Published on 12, July, 2020
Has anybody else ever felt this way? All my life, ever since I can remember, I have felt like there was something missing in me. People around me seemed to connect/meet each other and form friendships so quickly and easily, and despite me wanting that more than ANYTHING in the world, it was extremely difficult. I still don't quite know how to describe it, but it's almost like this invisible wall... This vague barrier prevents you from ever feeling 'the spark' when you strike up a conversation with someone. I have watched people meeting each other for the first time in almost every social situation, and see how their faces light up and they seem to flow naturally in a conversation with one another like they'd known each other for years. And yet, I have never had that experience. People's faces don't light up when they talk with me. The most I get is an unimpressed half-smile, a blank stare, or sometimes just ignored :( I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I am a kind person! I have made extra sure that I don't come off as rude or selfish, and I engage in constant self-reflection and internal growth to make sure I'm not getting entitled or pushy (which I have never felt). I start off all my conversations with a smile and friendly greeting, and I am sincere every single time I say "pleased to meet you", because I am! I am, in a sad irony, a very sociable person. I thrive when I'm around my family, and some of my acquaintances even! I love getting to know people! But it just seems like no one is interested in getting to know me. I know that's not true, that logically there must be people out there who I would connect with... But after 20 years of failing over and over again to find those people, it gets pretty defeating I don't know how to effectively communicate this to my neurotypical parents and therapist, they can't understand this 'wall' so to speak. Does anyone out here know what I am talking about?
It has been a mixed bag for me too but I did, for a while, manage to make friends. They were mostly other autistic people.
Where I went wrong is that I was too mechanical and overthought it. I should have listened to myself and what feels right to me above everything else. I was too concerned with putting people into boxes.
If there's any advice I can give you: don't do that. I thought being analytical like that was going to help me but it did the opposite.