Published on 12, July, 2020
I've come to this realisation today sat in the library of my old university that the trajectory of my life is that I will be forgotten and die alone. This is where inertia seems to be taking me. Around me I see students making friends, sharing drinks, laughing. I am forgotten. connectionless. My few friends are either distant, busy or suicidal. My family is restless and leaving me behind. I have no wife, girlfriend or children. No one shares my interests, no one gets me. No one who is available, connectable that is. All I have is my science. It's the only thing I've been able to hang on to and even that has been a huge struggle.
Even if I am successful by normal career metrics I will most likely die alone and friendless, a lonely old university 'don.' The people I thought I would grow old with when I was younger will forget me, many will not even hear of my passing when it comes. They have their wives, husbands, serious others, a few of them have 'besties' of 'bffs.' Platonic friends they seemed joined at the hip to. Evidently, they all decided that shouldn't be me. Many have just disappeared. Even their Facebook pages deleted, almost nothing to show they were ever a part of my life.
I am tired of trying to be strong. I’m tired of trying to be good and take the moral high ground. But I don’t know how to be bad and even if I did it’s too late to do me any good. Lives of selfish and destructive indulgence are a young mans game and every day my body seems to betray me a little more. For years I tried to just pretend I wasn’t getting old. That nothing had changed since I was 18 or so. I probably still will as well as I can.
No councillor can help me. No program of inner healing or self-reflection can fix this mess. I need my circumstances to change. And no body cares. How could they, they barely know I exists and when I remind them of my existence the usual reaction is to try to sideline or exclude me as quickly as possible.
I need to do something radical. To pick the nuclear option, other wise my life will spiral down the plug hole unless a deus ex machina intervenes. But I’ve no idea what the nuclear option is.
Ideas?
well sadly, you are not vladmir putin or kim jong un so you dont have nukes.the only real thing you can do is be more successful than them, in being better off than them they perceive that also as happier and more successful, they become jealous of you. they dont see the bad parts, no one ever does.if your concern is perception of your life from them, then all you need to do is simply carry on, be good in career, have a afluent life... they will be jealous of you, your singleness will also be to their envy as they will feel enslaved by their family they made and feel they will never have the freedom and ability you have as a single.i think a part is people will always desire what they dont have, life is a mixed bag, you will have things but also not have things.... a thing someone will want is alone time and being single and free... but also, people want family and so on... but these wants they clash. cant have both, but theres times you want one and times you want the other.i wouldnt worry how others perceive you, they are probably jealous of things they percieve you have advantage of but yet they wont see your struggles anyway. they will likely view you as a rich well off free single person enjoying life if you wonder how theyd percieve it, theyd be jealous of that theyd want what you have, thats what they are usually like.... they will be sad in their family... they will hate their partner and feel their partner is oppressive to their life and their freedom. if you want to make them more jealous, take up martial arts and fitness, become a immortal badass that seems immune to the effects of ageing and only get more flexible and stronger and active as you age, that one makes alot of people jealous and feel bad when they compare themselves to you. i personally know a former bully who cant look at me anymore and crosses the street in shame because hes gone fat and old looking while ive gone greek god phsyique like lol but yeah dont dwell on the opinions of sheep.... be the alpha, or the omega, either one, be the badass, the best badass you can be. dont worry about others they will only be jealous anyway. i highly always recommend taking up martial arts. it sets you above and beyond your peers and makes you the leader in reality, even if people dont socially pick you the leader. natural order of life in men by nature, most physically capable badass is the one with control, the one everyone knows is the move maker, the important one.
I’m far more concerned with being forgotten than how I am remembered. People seem to have got it into their heads that I’m concerned about my reputation. I’m concerned about being abandoned and alone.
being successful career wise won’t give me a good social life. Having a great physique might be fun and in fact I have started working out because my doctor strongly advise me to do something about my health, but I doubt it’s going to make my old friends want to spend time with me or help me make new friends for that matter.
of course if I actually could look younger that would probably help. If we ever figure out the scientific secrets to rejuvenation I will be one of the first in line for the experimental therapies.
now that is amusing as a thought, I could always sue the government to change my legal date of birth. It would be completely useless unless I actually looked younger, if you don’t look the part it doesn’t matter what it says on your documents people aren’t going to treat you that way. But if I did that might help and would be an interesting thing to do. And unlike people like ratelBand if you take a lot of body altering synthetic chemicals in order to try and look younger I would suggest that trying to change your legal date of birth would carry a lot more moral weight.
Now that certainly would be the nuclear option. unfortunately there is no pill ready to make me look younger and I don’t feel like getting into a bitter battle with the government over a piece of paper if it’s not actually going to change my life in any helpful way.