Published on 12, July, 2020
I've come to this realisation today sat in the library of my old university that the trajectory of my life is that I will be forgotten and die alone. This is where inertia seems to be taking me. Around me I see students making friends, sharing drinks, laughing. I am forgotten. connectionless. My few friends are either distant, busy or suicidal. My family is restless and leaving me behind. I have no wife, girlfriend or children. No one shares my interests, no one gets me. No one who is available, connectable that is. All I have is my science. It's the only thing I've been able to hang on to and even that has been a huge struggle.
Even if I am successful by normal career metrics I will most likely die alone and friendless, a lonely old university 'don.' The people I thought I would grow old with when I was younger will forget me, many will not even hear of my passing when it comes. They have their wives, husbands, serious others, a few of them have 'besties' of 'bffs.' Platonic friends they seemed joined at the hip to. Evidently, they all decided that shouldn't be me. Many have just disappeared. Even their Facebook pages deleted, almost nothing to show they were ever a part of my life.
I am tired of trying to be strong. I’m tired of trying to be good and take the moral high ground. But I don’t know how to be bad and even if I did it’s too late to do me any good. Lives of selfish and destructive indulgence are a young mans game and every day my body seems to betray me a little more. For years I tried to just pretend I wasn’t getting old. That nothing had changed since I was 18 or so. I probably still will as well as I can.
No councillor can help me. No program of inner healing or self-reflection can fix this mess. I need my circumstances to change. And no body cares. How could they, they barely know I exists and when I remind them of my existence the usual reaction is to try to sideline or exclude me as quickly as possible.
I need to do something radical. To pick the nuclear option, other wise my life will spiral down the plug hole unless a deus ex machina intervenes. But I’ve no idea what the nuclear option is.
Ideas?
Good morning Peter.
Wow - your writing above portrays you in uncharacteristically low mood, with key messaging of loneliness, hopelessness and "please help me if you can." If you can grant me the latitude, I will lump these and report your mood as a lack of human connectedness.
You are a man who evidently hates platitudes (fair enough = me too) and only really seems comfortable/able to hang your hat on the scientific method and matters that can be presented, defended and maintained as certainties.
Accordingly, you are pretty-much asking for the impossible in your writing above.....and of course, you already know that.
However, as a science man, you will be cognisant of the "Impossible Number" and I boldly assert that I am he (for you, now) because I THINK I know what your "nuclear option" might look like.
So I expect you might now be feeling a bit precipitously nauseous over fear of me spouting some slightly hippy-dippy sounding stuff in your direction....so just take a deep breath, and maybe give the following some thought;
A wise, wise soul once told me something very flipping obvious = If what you are thinking, believing and feeling is making you miserable, change some-or-all of those things because they are COMPLETELY under your control.
That, dear Peter, is undeniably sound advice - and wholly non-platitudinous.
When you fiddle with these three dials (that are COMPLETELY under your control)
THINKING
BELIEVING
FEELING
....you will find that other humans will start to interact with you in a different way (oh, and don't even start me on animals in this regard!!!) I don't think you need to "blow the fooking doors off" for it to be a nuclear option......simply unlocking a door (even if you don't open it) can be absolutely life changing. Twiddle your kn obs sir !!!!
I have always noted that you are very generous and giving of your advice and expertise to others in this place. If you think you would like some more meat on the bones of what I have written above, then please PM me. I don't like rinsing my undies in public...so talking about improving one's mental health via human connectedness...between two grown men.....is defo something of a back room discussion from my perspective.
Anyhow.....that's enough from me, trying to help and support you (oh look = human connectedness already?!)
Kindest, warmest and most sincere regards
Number.
sigh.
Number said:....you will find that other humans will start to interact with you in a different way (oh, and don't even start me on animals in this regard!!!)
As I've said I'm an extrovert. My mood tends to improve in a conducive social enviroment; for me not to be as much of a 'debby downer' as I am online. I wish people would stop telling me posative thinking will help me 'make friends' when I know its the other way around. I need meaningful human contact to boost my mood, enable posative thinking, what ever you want to call it. It's like some one saying 'if you want to unlock the door all you need to do is open it to find the key inside.'
I need a pea shooter penfold youtu.be/WMqivuJGGKI