Published on 12, July, 2020
I am often alone or feeling lonely. So i thought i'd make a thread that people can update by saying what they want at any time.
I need a lot of solitude but can still have moments of loneliness. When anxiety and hopelessness/heartbreak is at its highest, I know that my two or three ‘IRL’ friends aren’t going want me to discomfort them in their busy lives by straying outside the margins of established conventionality. Not do I keep their hours - one of them goes to bed at 10 pm every day of the year. ‘Banter’ is our chief currency, and I play my part wel and not inauthentically as the 5% of the iceberg that is my inner life that wants the lifeline of mere ‘goings on’ and jokes is an important fraction to maintain.
I have this place, and one other (a Doctor Who discord server) where I can flag up my most intense feelings with a bit more honesty, but even in such spaces I know it’s a lottery of who themselves has stayed up late, is not themselves burned out or dysregulated etc etc. and so sometimes there’s a moment where nobody is available when I’d most want to be taking the edge off ‘the fear’. Resilience is re-learned in those moments. It’s unpleasant, but survivable.
I think I exhaust people too. I can sense it coming, and when it does people fade like ghosts. I don’t blame them. I have to put up with me 24/7, (except for the welcome oblivion of sleep), other people have the option to ration exposure to my onslaught of words. So those kind enough to keep in touch with me keep contact light and sporadic at times. And I’m glad that they look after their tolerance levels like that. It means that those connections are more likely to sustain- paced by a truthful ebb and flow largely healthily uncompromised by some doomed NT-attuned attempt at ‘correct’ ratios and mechanics of conversation. We do what we can, when we can, and we are honest when ‘only’ the lightest engagement with any of this online connection -or hibernation from it- is the very best we can do. I’ve rambled here, sorry. Thinking ‘aloud’ and alone in the dark.
I feel similar I lost friends bc of my anxiety and depression. I have a few good friends now but am going through a lot now with my daughter being diagnosed with PDA and my marriage breaking down because of that and other reasons. I struggle to concentrate, keep on top of the house and I'm doing badly at my new job. I feel hopeless a lot. One of my friends has mental health issues and I think I'm making her worse. Another has her own problems and again I feel like I'm too much for her. I just want something positive in my life but there is very little