Malojian's general purpose chat thread (perhaps people can post here if they are feeling lonely?)

I need a lot of solitude but can still have moments of loneliness. When anxiety and hopelessness/heartbreak is at its highest, I know that my two or three ‘IRL’ friends aren’t going want me to discomfort them in their busy lives by straying outside the margins of established conventionality. Not do I keep their hours - one of them goes to bed at 10 pm every day of the year. ‘Banter’ is our chief currency, and I play my part wel and not inauthentically as the 5% of the iceberg that is my inner life that wants the lifeline of mere ‘goings on’ and jokes is an important fraction to maintain. 

I have this place, and one other (a Doctor Who discord server) where I can flag up my most intense feelings with a bit more honesty, but even in such spaces I know it’s a lottery of who themselves has stayed up late, is not themselves burned out or dysregulated etc etc. and so sometimes there’s a moment where nobody is available when I’d most want to be taking the edge off ‘the fear’. Resilience is re-learned in those moments. It’s unpleasant, but survivable. 

I think I exhaust people too. I can sense it coming, and when it does people fade like ghosts. I don’t blame them. I have to put up with me 24/7, (except for the welcome oblivion of sleep), other people have the option to ration exposure to my onslaught of words. So those kind enough to keep in touch with me keep contact light and sporadic at times. And I’m glad that they look after their tolerance levels like that. It means that those connections are more likely to sustain- paced by a truthful ebb and flow largely healthily uncompromised by some doomed NT-attuned attempt at ‘correct’ ratios and mechanics of conversation. We do what we can, when we can, and we are honest when ‘only’ the lightest engagement with any of this online connection -or hibernation from it- is the very best we can do. I’ve rambled here, sorry. Thinking ‘aloud’ and  alone in the dark.  

You havnt rambled at all. What youve said makes a lot of sense.  I know what you mean about the moment where nobody is available. Sometimes I am on here at 3am just commenting back on stuff and desperate for someone to talk to but no one else is up so I really get that

I dont know whether you exhaust people but I can understand what you mean about exhausting yourself, I feel like my brain exhausts me too. I dont think you exhaust anyone on here at all though, you are always a very interesting person to speak to 

I must confess that shortly after I posted the above  I saw you starting a thread of two, but I’d just passed that point where my eyes were closing and didn’t want to quickly throw on some low quality response due to tiredness and then vanish. But that ‘0 replies’ looked lonely for you too. I may have felt worse about it than you did! 

Thats so lovely! I know what you mean though, I sometimes feel worse for people than they do themselves too

Shardovan said:

I may have felt worse about it than you did! 

I do know what you mean.  I get that too, quite a bit.  Empathy gland is too big for comfort!

Shardovan said:

I may have felt worse about it than you did! 

I do know what you mean.  I get that too, quite a bit.  Empathy gland is too big for comfort!