Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone.
A wonderful friend of mine suggested posting here in the hopes that I can find some advice.
My thoughts are running so fast that I'm struggling to start. I'm struggling with everything right now, to the point living is just too overwhelming. I'm failing in my home life and failing in my work life. It feels too impossible to get through it, though I know there must be a way through, I'm just not able too see it.
I'm currently on the waiting list for talk therapy, for the 3rd time, this time to ascertain whether or not the pins and needles in my mouth and side of my face is due to anxiety. I can't talk to a GP anymore, I don't want medication it makes me feel really unwell. I don't want to be sent contact details of Samaritans, or any other groups, again. That's not helpful. I really don't like asking for help, I've been conditioned to believe that's wrong. And I'm falling down a black hole and can't see a way out.
I've lost myself, not that I've ever really understood myself. I'm only eating once a day, a small meal, and I think it's my way of gaining some sense of control.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I apologise for the very long and pointless post.
And if you can, please try to put yourself into this state of mind.......
Thank you Number. I love dogs.
My private diagnosis was done at the psychiatrists home due to covid and was done over zoom. He asked if I liked dogs and called his dog to jump up and put his front paws on the desk with the laptop. It was like a had a therapy dog with me.
I seem to understand them and they seem to understand me - we definitely don't always agree on things, and we don't always like each other nor necessarily get along......but the fact that we DEFINITELY give each other respect and time to get a respectful understanding of each other, seems to result in a mutually sustaining relationship. I wish more humans could be "more dog" !
You always make me smile Number, thank you as always. Enjoy your day and hopefully catch you again soon.
Hey - you've earned your stripes in this place. I've seen you be there for many.....I just want to offer a supportive shoulder to you when you need it too. Being a "right mess" is a proper ball-ache (you know what I mean!) - but we are both also old enough to remember that it does pass - the sun will come out again soon enough.
My last attempt to make you smile before I run off and do important stuff in the real world.......
Thank you so much for understanding. I'm a right mess at the moment, and you and everyone on the forum are very patient, and I'm most grateful.
I have noticed that you do apologise a lot, but I can never understand why you are apologising. You definitely had ABSOLUTELY no cause to apologise for the above?! Please do not respond to this by apologising for apologising......circularity drives me around the bend! [see what I did there?!]
I can't, nor wish to, ignore you. I'm not sure I can necessarily be of any material help to you either....but I do want you to know that your inexplicable woes are not unique. They might be dreadful, but others in these pages do understand. I am one of those.
I'm sorry Number.
Although age wise I'm definitely an adult, I'm in actual fact a very confused child that is too eager to share ideas as they come to me. I think in my own little weird way I'm asking for help without actually trying to ask for it. Again, just ignore me, I don't even know what I'm trying to do anymore
Maybe 6-8 weeks ago, I would have had an opinion on the wisdom or otherwise / gatekeeper requirement.........but now...honestly, no clue.
I enjoyed a virtually utopian "run" in this place for 4-5 months where I thought this might be an island of "dog-like" souls but now I know this not to be the case.
Many of the profound questions, struggles and challenges that I, personally, would like to discuss openly here are necessarily restricted to the back rooms these days - it makes me a little sad - but not as sad as I would be without the back rooms!!!! There are some brilliant, interesting, measured, helpful and supportive people who inhabit these pages and I would not ever wish to be without that.
I am resigned to needing to block the nonsense when it arises - I've done that for 50+ years in the real world, so no biggie to extend that masking wisdom to these pages I suppose.......but still renders me a little sad.