Recent diagnosis, separating anxiety and autism

Have you tried Neuro Linguistic Programming? I found it ver helpful

NAS83975 said:

is there a successful way of dealing with a past unresolved issue

I think there are several different *Healthy* options for dealing with unresolved issues. 

1. Perspective. Time and self-growth can aid our ability to see a thing from a different angle. For instance, if someone I dated in my early 20's was cruel and hurtful, and now I'm 45 with a son who's about the same age, I might have the ability to look back and see this other as a young adult in need of a bit of education - careless and shouldn't have been trusted but then I didn't know that either. And just viewing that past situation with this new variable can change the whole equation, which can change the outcome. 

By equation and outcome, I'm thinking of a Formula. X was hurtful toward me and I can't forgive him. This makes me feel resentful. But add a new variable to this formula and I can now say: X was 21 and didn't really know what he was doing, capable of the same responsibility I might afford an 11 year old, I remember feeling hurt, but we were both young and thank goodness he ended it because I wouldn't have been able to break it off and look how much better my life turned out! 

1a. All new perspective require some education and understanding into my role and responsibilities and the context. A lot of situations in society are littered with Unreasonable Expectations we either take on or others put on us. This can be good to look into. All relationships have a context to them. A Parent-Child relationship is different than a partner is different than an acquaintance. 

2. Problem-Solving human relationships - this can take some time to learn how to accomplish. How to say something or present a problem, how to identify what the unresolved issue is and how to work out the priority to sufficiently tidy up the issue. After 20 years of feeling like I'm banging my head against a wall of neuro-typical nonsense, I'd discovered the psychology of how they operate and it makes matters worse. When dealing with them, one has to understand they've been - literally encoded like software - to misrepresent and misdirect a problem. For the most part almost all of my past relationships have been mostly resolved except with my mother who I believe is undiagnosed ADHD and doesn't have a good understanding of what her role is, has a phantasy of who I am and what my life is like and is a bit greedy about all of this. I tolerated her for a long time until the expectations became so unreasonable I had had enough.

2a. The first and only port of call for trouble shooting a problem with a NT is to find the appropriate way to convey information so that it doesn't sound like you are trying to dominate - sort of an ego check. Once this can be accomplished and they're open to discussion, then hopefully you've had sufficient time to be able to deduce the fundamental issue to present.

Note: Sometimes just writing it all out while you wait for the other to sort themselves out is the best option. But write it down. It will help you find the core issue. I've had several individuals angry at me for their own misconception or lack of education on an issue. I defended myself as best I could in the moment, trying to address the Problem and not the Person. A few times I had to wait a few years (no joke) for them to send an apologetic email. 

2b. Control issues. We all have them, better to be able to laugh at mine. What is my responsibility? What is not mine to control.

3. Problem-Solving environmental issues. This is a much easier task. Sometimes aided by yoga or judo - some kind of kinetic sport which helps with interception. Then take a year or 6 months to craft a sensory skill: Blind scent test identifying between French and English lavender or even just pure essential oils. Spend time thinking about each element spend time with two together. Engage other senses in a safe environment, see if you can eventually feel the difference between a halogen and LED, for instance. WHY this matters? Sometimes the problem is a complex collection of problems and learning to eliminate the Sensory overload can actually make something else more manageable. 

4. Basic Conscious Mindfulness: Also good to be aware of when dealing with others. For instance, things I can't fix: songs which loop in my head. I can try putting another song on or taking something to help with GABA inhibitors. 

I also just need awareness of how easy it can be when I'm tired for my thoughts to accelerate out of control. So no work after midnight. The alarm goes off, I've pre-planned this and wrap up where I'm at, will resume tomorrow. Another work around is to do One Thing At A Time. "Rome wasn't built in a day" chip away at tasks. Allot a time frame for competition. 

Sorry- it's not a small matter. There are a ton of great books out there on how to become a safe person others want to work through problems with. How to think about how another might receive the information you're conveying. How to do your best because there's 2 people. As a parent, however, it's always my responsibility to fix, to mentor, to be the adult. That's the only relationship that one should never expect anything from, but to become someone they want to return investment to.

Thank you I can relate to all of what you have said, this in particular is a repeated thing that bothers me regularly and I can't seem to handle things being unresolved.  

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

A past unresolved issue. Or many. Something beyond my control that happened in the past which I cannot reconcile and haunts me.

In your experience, is there a successful way of dealing with a past unresolved issue (not the issue it self, but more the communication and handling of the issue) as in, does removing all connections of that past issue help (like if it's a person blocking all contact) or do you just try to accept and minise your obsessive thinking? Sorry I realised that could be a discussion itself! 

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

Autistics don't filter as easily as our NT peers, collecting too much information and aren't able to consciously keep up with what our brain is trying to process, all of it will cause anxiety. 

I think we are wired for a different lifestyle.

This helps thankyou 

:) 

🐝 Bees 🐝 (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs said:

(Sorry to go on a bit but it's too important a subject so rather than leave it open to misunderstanding I wanted to further clarify the point.)

Don't need to apologize, I fully understand you needed to say the clarification and detail for context. 

I think I still have a long way to go to learn what's going on or at least learn to let some things be but you have given me a deal to think about as a starting discussion thank you. 

And thank you for the breathing tips - after years of panic attack I thankfully don't have them regularly anymore; but whether this is because I avoid causes now I'm not sure.

Thankyou 

Dawn said:

identifying how the interaction of your autism with the environment is causing you anxiety and trying to communicate that to others and eliminate as many of the stressors as possible.

Thank you Dawn that's very helpful way to approach it, I appreciate your reply 

Anxiety impacts Autists with more intensity and for seemingly different reasons. 

Genuine life complexities. Learning to recognise and identify / understand a seemingly invisible system. From symbiotic plant-life and fungi or an exchange between 2 humans, both require some research. Sometimes, once we understand the details of what is happening in the exchange at a core fundamental level, the anxiety eases.

Excitement spiralling into Anxiety. It's midnight and I've worked out this massive conundrum. It's epic and my whole brain is lit up. My circuitry is also extraordinarily exhausted - a mismatch for the moment. I make a point of writing it all down or I just won't sleep. Even if it's colder on the other side of my duvet. 

A song won't stop looping. This is the worst for me - they will keep me awake until 5/6 am or even longer. Pure torture. I will take anti-anxiety meds now I'm nearly 50 if if it's midnight and playing another album till I fall asleep doesn't help.

A past unresolved issue. Or many. Something beyond my control that happened in the past which I cannot reconcile and haunts me. These need time and a great deal of wisdom, understanding psychology, learning about my values, the differences between boundaries and abuse. Many things I can look back on now and have worked out myself, whether thankful I don't have someone who was incredibly toxic in my life (regardless of my ability to handle it at the time) or look back and recognise the immaturity. There have been those who apologised after a few years and I just had to wait and others who reaped what they'd sow. Autistics will have experienced a great deal more rejection and conflict than a person should. And the frustrating part is our inability to forget because we are Driven To Resolve (as opposed to being driven to Dominate).

Everything-all-at-once. My brain might resemble: a puddle of messy cables or an unhinged library with literally books everywhere. Monotropism helps understand how we're capable of making hyper-connexions, I think something to do with what some research has found regarding our Gamma waves has something to do with this. These are the only ones which are full-brain apparently. There's also research showing how we might utilise a sort of full-brain equally balanced thinking rather than asymmetrical focused in the lobes responsible for language and symbols. 

Unidentified impact from sensory elements. A different Salience Network. I personally think the autistic design of 'human' is a bit akin to the health and safety department of the tribe. We cannot filter out unwanted sensory elements like our neuronormative peers. Psychoanalysis would suggest this is due to a different use of vocabulary and that words / language helps shape filtering which also shapes how NTs mature. Regardless, the ability to sense-perceive the world as too real can have an advantage but also needs shielding. autcollab.org/.../

Anxiety is an appropriate response to being thrown into Survival Mode. All of these things can be overwhelming. Turing off the lights and lighting a candle might fix hyper sensory stimuli from an unnatural light source. Taking off a polyester blend shirt and changing into 100% cotton may fix it. Walking outside of a loud shop may have an immediate effect. The lights and bad acoustics cause a low-grade anxiety that effects my breathing. Sometimes I don't notice it till I step outside. Anxiety comes from being under pressure. And since Autistics don't filter as easily as our NT peers, collecting too much information and aren't able to consciously keep up with what our brain is trying to process, all of it will cause anxiety. 

I think we are wired for a different lifestyle.

(Sorry to go on a bit but it's too important a subject so rather than leave it open to misunderstanding I wanted to further clarify the point.) I'm not disagreeing with Dawn's point above:

Dawn said:

We often have these anxieties because we are autistic yet trying to live in a world not built for us.

But it is a fact that my mother didn't abuse me because I have autism, my mother abused me because she was* abusive.

*still is, I cut contact with her and now without her fave punchbag my brother gets it in the neck instead whenever he visits her.

I appologise that was a very emotionally heavy reply, I just felt I couldn't be entirely honest without the context.

Dawn said:

But you know they aren't something you can "seperate".

This. A great point.

Dawn said:

It's a question of identifying how the interaction of your autism with the environment is causing you anxiety and trying to communicate that to others and eliminate as many of the stressors as possible.

And this!

I'm hyper aware through noting anxiety triggers that were always there vs ones that developed over time and having specific non-autism related triggers that I have BOTH anxiety from trying and failing to fit into allist/neurotypical normative society as an autistic person AND anxiety that arose from abuse in childhood trauma, which an allist would also develop if they went through it. But the anxiety of those two separate categories do interact and exacerbate eachother.

I feel uncomfortable when people say the two are innately or more specifically causally linked because that implies that allists shouldn't get anxiety or ptsd, or worse that I "only have cptsd because of the autism" (as if my mother didn't regularly beat me black and blue or call me worthless on a regular basis) (I've seen it even outright claimed before too, never mind implied) and that is unhelpful because it doesn't accept that being different is just different, not more or less than, and also it dismisses the abuse I had to endure for decades. So yh I have autistic trauma (+autism anxiety), but I also have autism and trauma (+anxiety) separate.

As for helping strategies, I dunno if you get panic attacks but I've applied breathing exercises to both panic attacks and start-up meltdowns with some success. If you have asthma or long covid I also recomend the shorter versions eg. breathe in for count of 3 through nose, hold for count of one, then out through the mouth for the count of 4, and repeat for 30-60 seconds until youstart to feel calmer.
Hope that helps.

Well, I can certainly empathise with the health anxiety... phew! Where would I even start with that one?

But you know they aren't something you can "seperate". We often have these anxieties because we are autistic yet trying to live in a world not built for us. If only I could have been born with: "Autistic synesthete with mega SPD. Medics handle with extreme caution and compassion" tattooed on my backside, maybe I wouldn't have half the health anxieties that I do.

It's a question of identifying how the interaction of your autism with the environment is causing you anxiety and trying to communicate that to others and eliminate as many of the stressors as possible.

The two are intertwined.