Unable to cope with adult life

I don't want to repeat what others have said, but just to say that I think most people (if not all) can find themselves dwelling on what the future may be like after the death of a parent. Therefore, I don't think you should feel guilty for thinking about it... It's not like you're wishing your mum's life away.

I was the same, until I realised that the World wasn't going to wait for me. 

I had no choice but to cope on my own; after my Mum developed Parkinson's and Motor Neurone Disease simultaneously. Many times my Nan tried to control my brother and I. But we learned life skills; as we went along.

My cleaner was a huge help, but I still have to cope throughout the week. Being an Adult does suck, at times. But the rewards are there. 

Learn online. YouTube has plenty of tutorials for certain things. Sometimes we have to grab the Bull by the Horns. School is no longer the primary educator. 

I relate so much to your situation. I am in my 50s and have relied a lot on my mum throughout my adult life. It has been a partnership that worked well. She has helped me with things I find hard, such as phone calls or anything requiring verbal interaction with others. In turn I have helped her with things she cannot do physically, due to her long term health conditions.

The problem is that now she is in her 80s and increasingly frail. She is no longer able to help me with things like phone calls as she would have done in the past. In addition she now completely relies on me for almost everything that she previously would have been able to deal with herself in managing her own life.

Life is difficult. Everything is difficult. Every day is a constant struggle. I don't have anyone else who can help. I have no friends or any other relatives. I live in constant fear of something going wrong in the house or car or with my mum's health. If something like that happens it puts me into complete panic mode and I become extremely overwhelmed. I try to deal with things myself as much as I can, but then something will inevitably not go to plan and it becomes too much.

I too have given up on mental health or any other services being able to provide any meaningful support. I think they'd already given up on me. I agree they just treat you as if you're depressed and there is little or no understanding of the ongoing difficulties an autistic person has. 

I understand the feeling that life has passed you by. I feel like that sometimes too. It is hard to see a future for myself, being completely alone all the time. At the same time, like you, I find any in person verbal interaction too demanding and overwhelming. I am thankful that there are online communities like this, where there is much more understanding than out in the 'real world'.

That's a lot of negativity I've just written and I'm conscious that it probably isn't helping. However I hope there is some comfort from knowing that you are not alone in the challenges you are facing.

Violet said:

I should be able to do these basic things and yet it's like the words to deal with these kind of situations just aren't in my brain.

This is an area where you can change the way you think about the situation. Since you're posting here I assume you're autistic. Many autistic people have difficulties with verbal communication and phone calls in particular. I know I certainly do. My brain struggles to process what has been said to me and the words to reply either aren't there or don't appear quickly enough. Thinking that you should be able to do these things is unnecessarily hard on yourself and is simply not true. Acknowledging and being more open about your autism and difficulties communicating should help you to stop feeling so like a failure.

One thing that does help is to try to make communication happen in the way that works best for you. Email or online chat are far better than trying to talk on the phone, as you can take as much time as you need to think about what you need to say.  If necessary you can ask for reasonable adjustments when dealing with any kind of business or service.

Thank you so much for the lovely replies. It's nice to be able to admit my flaws without being bashed for not being good enough. I've learned over the years to keep my mouth shut around 90% of the people I cross paths with as I seem to come across as ungrateful of the help my mum gives me. It couldn't be further from the truth. 

I feel like the world moves too fast for me to keep up. I can't help but think that things seemed so much easier back in the eighties in that respect. But then, I was just a kid back then with zero responsibilities. 

I know most people learn and grow in their twenties and thirties, but I spent a good 15 years being a total recluse that didn't leave the house. By the time I rejoined the world, it had changed so much. I found myself not knowing how to function in a very different world to the one I had left behind. I still feel very cut off from everything years later. 

I'd donated loads of card making things to a charity shop. Still make them, not as much. Wanted someone else to have a chance. 

Feel better after tidying and decluttering. Also amazing what I've found.

You mean do a declutter right?  I did a big declutter this year.  I tried to sell some things but that didn't succeed, so then I gave it all to charity.  And I sorted out my paperwork, inspired by a book I had read.  Decluttering and organising can be a very good activity to help when you're feeling down.  

Violet I don't know if it's of any comfort but you're an eloquent person and you can write properly!!  A lot of people have lost that skill these days, especially on the internet.

I don't feel like a grown up either, and I have kids!!!  I rely on my hubby for certain things but he's not exactly grown up.  We just have to muddle through somehow.  I bet you are probably capable of a bit more than you realise - because your mum is the safety net, even thought she grumbles about it.  Somehow I stopped driving a few years ago (when we got a bigger car) but it annoys my hubby when he has to drive me places.  I'm hoping to buy a small car for myself down the track.  So I need to grow up a little too.  

And so many of us are having trouble connecting - even some of the neurotypicals are.  I'm reading a book called 'Find Your People.'  Will try to remember to tell you if I gain any useful insights.  I'm pretty isolated but I'm trying to reach out to just a few friends and build myself a little community.

My family members are in there 70s. When eventually I get the house, plan to get help (from a local charity who knows me); to do a stock take on everything, auction things off and donate food drink. Also wont get any inference about telling me what to do. During the outbreak I'd stock take anything I've got. Hope this helps you.