I don't want to live anymore

Hi, really sorry you feel like this. I read your post and am obviously concerned about you. I'm just going to type some thoughts which your message provoked. None of them are meant to minimise what you have said. But the most important thing is to please reach out to someone - like the Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org (they will get back to you within 24 hours if you email them).

Anyway, here are my thoughts:

- Not minimising what you have said but I think it's very difficult to be objective about your own life / worth, especially when you are going through a depressive episode. So when you say that objectively you have nothing to live for, I completely believe that is how you feel, and that is really important, but I think it's a subjective view and objectively I am 100% certain there is a way back.

- Not having a girlfriend - it sucks, and it's difficult, there is really nothing wrong with being a virgin at 25. Far more people are than would ever admit to it. I was around that age when I lost my virginity. My advice is to try and focus less on getting a girlfriend and more on putting yourself in situations where that might naturally happen (I joined a charity which I cared about and that ended up with me meeting my wife).

- Friends: again, I think the same thing applies - rather than doing something which might feel phoney or forced to autistic people, again I would recommend joining an activity / society / club / course where friendships might develop through common interests.

- Family: obviously I don't know your family - but have you tried talking to your family about it? One of my sons (who I suspect is autistic, like me) is convinced that we favour his older brother. I know that's not true, I just couldn't ever have a favourite son but how he feels is important and so is talking about it.

- No job: I'm not sure how close you are to being able to work so its difficult to give specific advice, but perhaps think about what the right first step towards that might be - that might be as simple as leaving the house, or getting out of bed, or submitting an application or learning new skills. That depends where you are at, I think, but there are always steps towards getting a job.

- Dogs: are great, wonderful creatures that I completely love. But they don't half make you feel down when they die. It's a uniquely horrible feeling. Take time to grieve, in whatever way works for you, and recognise that you are experiencing grief.

Being depressed is horrible, and I have been in similar places to you. There is always a way back to a better, worthwhile, rewarding life.

Please let us know you are ok. 

Please pm me we are in similar places but im fighting. Please reach out

It makes my blood boil to see a young man feel helpless. We were tossed around like ragdolls; between indifferent females, various Professionals and Toxic Families.

But, there IS hope.

There is the Lord.

You are permanently the mouse in the corner, with the Activated Amygdala 

youtu.be/pIpXiVc1_Pw

Which also means you never enter deep sleep 

The only medication that deactivates the Amygdala is banned 

But *** the rules 

Find and take the medicine, 

you are autistic, 

The Ancients would say "away with the Faires"

Where do the fairies live?

In the field with the mushrooms 

How do I know a fairy when I see it

Every woman knows Fairys are tiny with pointed little caps 

And PLEASE disconnect from the screens 

How big is your Amygdala ?

Welcome to the club, most of us have had these feelings from time to time.

The one I’ll say is, you are normal, and you are struggling just like many others are. You are not alone. Those that haven’t suffered will tell you to be positive. They are only trying to help. You don’t feel positive, and you don’t want want to be positive, and if I’m honest, you probably feel better wallowing in your own misery. That’s allowed, and it’s a perfectly normal reaction. 
I hope you reach out to get some support. You are as worthy of it as anyone else.

NAS82963, read your post and felt I should offer a reply. I am not sure how much this will help - my prose is sometimes all over the place, my thinking a bit random, but know it comes from a) having been in similar positions in my life, and b) the best of intentions.

NAS82963 said:

I'm sick of my life, I've objectively got nothing to live for.

NAS82963, I hear you. Objectively, I have nothing to live for and I'm pretty tired of my life too,but I find discussing things with people often help. If you would like to, we can discuss what you would like to live for. (And you might help me and others find the same.)

NAS82963 said:

No  girlfriend (I'm nearly 25 and still a virgin for God's sake), no friends (I used to have quite a few but I guess they didn't want to hang round with a depressed lunatic), no family (at least not a caring one, my "mother" hates me or at the very least couldn't care less about me, it's so obvious that my sister is the favourite that even a blind man could see it), no job, nothing

These seem a lot of nos, but on relooking, they are items positioned as nos (e.g. a non-caring family is still a family). Everything seems like a no at the moment; but there can be a time when things are no longer nos. (And, it may sound strange to say, but some of those nos might be positives in disguise - they can be seen as freeing you up to focus on yourself.)

Have you talked to a professional about this?

NAS82963 said:

my "mother" hates me or at the very least couldn't care less about me, it's so obvious that my sister is the favourite that even a blind man could see it

This sounds a very painful situation to be in.Is this something that you would like to move away from (e.g. geographically, giving yourself space), something you would like to ignore, something you would like to improve?

How is your relationship with your sister?

NAS82963 said:

My "mother" thinks that they're toys that can be replaced when others "break", she got him even though I didn't want another one at the time. She and my sister weren't too bothered when they died and now they don't care at all. Anyway, I'm just a worthless burden on society and I hate being mentally ill. Some people say be positive about it but I just can't, I find it disgusting, embarrassing and shameful. I'd do anything to be normal.

That "anyway" is doing a lot of work, turning a personal issue with an external (your family) as proof of an internal (yourself). It may help knowing that these things do not have to be connected.

Not sure what 'disgusting, embarrasing and shameful' is referring to. If it is being mentally ill, there's nothing 'disgusting, embarrasing and shameful' about it - you wouldn't feel the same about a headache or a heart attack, so do the same with mental illness. If it refers to something else, perhaps think why you see it as this.

'I'll do anything to be normal' - normal in what sense?

Talk to someone, and untangled all this.

NAS82963 said:

Anyway, I'm just a worthless burden on society

If I may say so, your post has got others responding - and that shows me at least that society might not be the selfish and cruel place that I sometimes think it is. That's something.

And you've got me reflecting upon my own experiences, and thinking about how to address a situation that you are in at the moment. And that is something too.

People have impacts on others in numerous ways, measurable and immeasurable.

NAS82963 said:

I know some people will say doing it publicly is selfish but I heard that they're instant ways to die

Some people will say it is selfish, some people will be sad - and some others will never have the opportunity to meet the person, have them in their lives, their thoughts, their feelings. That would be a great loss.

NAS82963 said:

I feel like this selfish, cruel society should witness it.

I have thought this too - and sometimes still do. I recently spoke to an old colleague and asked why no one witnessed my depression; their reply was that they did, they just were not sure what to do. I had the idea they were selfish and cruel; the idea, in this instance, was merely that: an idea. They are still friends - maybe they didn't live up to the ideal friendship, knowing what to do and doing it - but they were not able at the time. Some had their own troubles (cancer, breakups, financial) that I did not see at the time. They are human, and we are human too.

You have a lot of pain at this moment, and you want it recognizing and acknowledged by others; that is understandable. But their hypothetical witnessing does not mean they will necessarily understand any such act. Near where I live, someone did something similar - but no one I have talked to understands it, and they, like time, just continues on. Do actions that add meaning.

NAS82963 said:

I've thought about tablets before but from what I've read, they're painful and usually don't work

I am reading this as medicine. Thought is that, a thought. Sometimes they work, sometimes they are painful. Help though can sometimes help. Sometimes I have found medication works, other times talking; but there is always something that works.

Apologies for the length.

Will try to be here if talking this through helps.

Hey, 

If you ever want to talk I'm always here. Mental illness sucks but I know personally things do get better 

Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling this way man. Depression is hard and though I know you're feeling it won't ever get better I'm here to tell you it can, it will and it does ... I speak from experience.

Whilst you're feeling like this you need to reach out, posting here is a good start but there's also Samaritans who you can call, email or do online chat with.

Number is here: 116 123

If you're feeling you can't keep yourself safe then please call 999, 111 or go to your local A&E department so you can receive the help, care and support you need.

Take care man. 

Keep strong and remember it doesn't rain forever.

M.