I don't want to live anymore

NAS82963, read your post and felt I should offer a reply. I am not sure how much this will help - my prose is sometimes all over the place, my thinking a bit random, but know it comes from a) having been in similar positions in my life, and b) the best of intentions.

NAS82963 said:

I'm sick of my life, I've objectively got nothing to live for.

NAS82963, I hear you. Objectively, I have nothing to live for and I'm pretty tired of my life too,but I find discussing things with people often help. If you would like to, we can discuss what you would like to live for. (And you might help me and others find the same.)

NAS82963 said:

No  girlfriend (I'm nearly 25 and still a virgin for God's sake), no friends (I used to have quite a few but I guess they didn't want to hang round with a depressed lunatic), no family (at least not a caring one, my "mother" hates me or at the very least couldn't care less about me, it's so obvious that my sister is the favourite that even a blind man could see it), no job, nothing

These seem a lot of nos, but on relooking, they are items positioned as nos (e.g. a non-caring family is still a family). Everything seems like a no at the moment; but there can be a time when things are no longer nos. (And, it may sound strange to say, but some of those nos might be positives in disguise - they can be seen as freeing you up to focus on yourself.)

Have you talked to a professional about this?

NAS82963 said:

my "mother" hates me or at the very least couldn't care less about me, it's so obvious that my sister is the favourite that even a blind man could see it

This sounds a very painful situation to be in.Is this something that you would like to move away from (e.g. geographically, giving yourself space), something you would like to ignore, something you would like to improve?

How is your relationship with your sister?

NAS82963 said:

My "mother" thinks that they're toys that can be replaced when others "break", she got him even though I didn't want another one at the time. She and my sister weren't too bothered when they died and now they don't care at all. Anyway, I'm just a worthless burden on society and I hate being mentally ill. Some people say be positive about it but I just can't, I find it disgusting, embarrassing and shameful. I'd do anything to be normal.

That "anyway" is doing a lot of work, turning a personal issue with an external (your family) as proof of an internal (yourself). It may help knowing that these things do not have to be connected.

Not sure what 'disgusting, embarrasing and shameful' is referring to. If it is being mentally ill, there's nothing 'disgusting, embarrasing and shameful' about it - you wouldn't feel the same about a headache or a heart attack, so do the same with mental illness. If it refers to something else, perhaps think why you see it as this.

'I'll do anything to be normal' - normal in what sense?

Talk to someone, and untangled all this.

NAS82963 said:

Anyway, I'm just a worthless burden on society

If I may say so, your post has got others responding - and that shows me at least that society might not be the selfish and cruel place that I sometimes think it is. That's something.

And you've got me reflecting upon my own experiences, and thinking about how to address a situation that you are in at the moment. And that is something too.

People have impacts on others in numerous ways, measurable and immeasurable.

NAS82963 said:

I know some people will say doing it publicly is selfish but I heard that they're instant ways to die

Some people will say it is selfish, some people will be sad - and some others will never have the opportunity to meet the person, have them in their lives, their thoughts, their feelings. That would be a great loss.

NAS82963 said:

I feel like this selfish, cruel society should witness it.

I have thought this too - and sometimes still do. I recently spoke to an old colleague and asked why no one witnessed my depression; their reply was that they did, they just were not sure what to do. I had the idea they were selfish and cruel; the idea, in this instance, was merely that: an idea. They are still friends - maybe they didn't live up to the ideal friendship, knowing what to do and doing it - but they were not able at the time. Some had their own troubles (cancer, breakups, financial) that I did not see at the time. They are human, and we are human too.

You have a lot of pain at this moment, and you want it recognizing and acknowledged by others; that is understandable. But their hypothetical witnessing does not mean they will necessarily understand any such act. Near where I live, someone did something similar - but no one I have talked to understands it, and they, like time, just continues on. Do actions that add meaning.

NAS82963 said:

I've thought about tablets before but from what I've read, they're painful and usually don't work

I am reading this as medicine. Thought is that, a thought. Sometimes they work, sometimes they are painful. Help though can sometimes help. Sometimes I have found medication works, other times talking; but there is always something that works.

Apologies for the length.

Will try to be here if talking this through helps.

NAS82963, read your post and felt I should offer a reply. I am not sure how much this will help - my prose is sometimes all over the place, my thinking a bit random, but know it comes from a) having been in similar positions in my life, and b) the best of intentions.

NAS82963 said:

I'm sick of my life, I've objectively got nothing to live for.

NAS82963, I hear you. Objectively, I have nothing to live for and I'm pretty tired of my life too,but I find discussing things with people often help. If you would like to, we can discuss what you would like to live for. (And you might help me and others find the same.)

NAS82963 said:

No  girlfriend (I'm nearly 25 and still a virgin for God's sake), no friends (I used to have quite a few but I guess they didn't want to hang round with a depressed lunatic), no family (at least not a caring one, my "mother" hates me or at the very least couldn't care less about me, it's so obvious that my sister is the favourite that even a blind man could see it), no job, nothing

These seem a lot of nos, but on relooking, they are items positioned as nos (e.g. a non-caring family is still a family). Everything seems like a no at the moment; but there can be a time when things are no longer nos. (And, it may sound strange to say, but some of those nos might be positives in disguise - they can be seen as freeing you up to focus on yourself.)

Have you talked to a professional about this?

NAS82963 said:

my "mother" hates me or at the very least couldn't care less about me, it's so obvious that my sister is the favourite that even a blind man could see it

This sounds a very painful situation to be in.Is this something that you would like to move away from (e.g. geographically, giving yourself space), something you would like to ignore, something you would like to improve?

How is your relationship with your sister?

NAS82963 said:

My "mother" thinks that they're toys that can be replaced when others "break", she got him even though I didn't want another one at the time. She and my sister weren't too bothered when they died and now they don't care at all. Anyway, I'm just a worthless burden on society and I hate being mentally ill. Some people say be positive about it but I just can't, I find it disgusting, embarrassing and shameful. I'd do anything to be normal.

That "anyway" is doing a lot of work, turning a personal issue with an external (your family) as proof of an internal (yourself). It may help knowing that these things do not have to be connected.

Not sure what 'disgusting, embarrasing and shameful' is referring to. If it is being mentally ill, there's nothing 'disgusting, embarrasing and shameful' about it - you wouldn't feel the same about a headache or a heart attack, so do the same with mental illness. If it refers to something else, perhaps think why you see it as this.

'I'll do anything to be normal' - normal in what sense?

Talk to someone, and untangled all this.

NAS82963 said:

Anyway, I'm just a worthless burden on society

If I may say so, your post has got others responding - and that shows me at least that society might not be the selfish and cruel place that I sometimes think it is. That's something.

And you've got me reflecting upon my own experiences, and thinking about how to address a situation that you are in at the moment. And that is something too.

People have impacts on others in numerous ways, measurable and immeasurable.

NAS82963 said:

I know some people will say doing it publicly is selfish but I heard that they're instant ways to die

Some people will say it is selfish, some people will be sad - and some others will never have the opportunity to meet the person, have them in their lives, their thoughts, their feelings. That would be a great loss.

NAS82963 said:

I feel like this selfish, cruel society should witness it.

I have thought this too - and sometimes still do. I recently spoke to an old colleague and asked why no one witnessed my depression; their reply was that they did, they just were not sure what to do. I had the idea they were selfish and cruel; the idea, in this instance, was merely that: an idea. They are still friends - maybe they didn't live up to the ideal friendship, knowing what to do and doing it - but they were not able at the time. Some had their own troubles (cancer, breakups, financial) that I did not see at the time. They are human, and we are human too.

You have a lot of pain at this moment, and you want it recognizing and acknowledged by others; that is understandable. But their hypothetical witnessing does not mean they will necessarily understand any such act. Near where I live, someone did something similar - but no one I have talked to understands it, and they, like time, just continues on. Do actions that add meaning.

NAS82963 said:

I've thought about tablets before but from what I've read, they're painful and usually don't work

I am reading this as medicine. Thought is that, a thought. Sometimes they work, sometimes they are painful. Help though can sometimes help. Sometimes I have found medication works, other times talking; but there is always something that works.

Apologies for the length.

Will try to be here if talking this through helps.