I don't want to live anymore

I'm sick of my life, I've objectively got nothing to live for. No  girlfriend (I'm nearly 25 and still a virgin for God's sake), no friends (I used to have quite a few but I guess they didn't want to hang round with a depressed lunatic), no family (at least not a caring one, my "mother" hates me or at the very least couldn't care less about me, it's so obvious that my sister is the favourite that even a blind man could see it), no job, nothing. I've had two of my dogs who I loved very much die and I still struggle with it. I do have one more but my spiteful excuse of a mother will probably stop me from seeing him because we've fallen out. He won't miss me anyway, he doesn't seem bothered when I go home. And of course he won't be around forever and I don't know how I'll cope when it happens. My "mother" thinks that they're toys that can be replaced when others "break", she got him even though I didn't want another one at the time. She and my sister weren't too bothered when they died and now they don't care at all. Anyway, I'm just a worthless burden on society and I hate being mentally ill. Some people say be positive about it but I just can't, I find it disgusting, embarrassing and shameful. I'd do anything to be normal. There's a motorway bridge and a train station nearby, I'm honestly thinking of going to one of them and killing myself tonight. Jumping off a bridge or in front of a train seems like a far better idea than continuing this miserable existence for another 50 or so years. I know some people will say doing it publicly is selfish but I heard that they're instant ways to die and to be honest I feel like this selfish, cruel society should witness it. I've thought about tablets before but from what I've read, they're painful and usually don't work.

Parents
  • Hi, really sorry you feel like this. I read your post and am obviously concerned about you. I'm just going to type some thoughts which your message provoked. None of them are meant to minimise what you have said. But the most important thing is to please reach out to someone - like the Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org (they will get back to you within 24 hours if you email them).

    Anyway, here are my thoughts:

    - Not minimising what you have said but I think it's very difficult to be objective about your own life / worth, especially when you are going through a depressive episode. So when you say that objectively you have nothing to live for, I completely believe that is how you feel, and that is really important, but I think it's a subjective view and objectively I am 100% certain there is a way back.

    - Not having a girlfriend - it sucks, and it's difficult, there is really nothing wrong with being a virgin at 25. Far more people are than would ever admit to it. I was around that age when I lost my virginity. My advice is to try and focus less on getting a girlfriend and more on putting yourself in situations where that might naturally happen (I joined a charity which I cared about and that ended up with me meeting my wife).

    - Friends: again, I think the same thing applies - rather than doing something which might feel phoney or forced to autistic people, again I would recommend joining an activity / society / club / course where friendships might develop through common interests.

    - Family: obviously I don't know your family - but have you tried talking to your family about it? One of my sons (who I suspect is autistic, like me) is convinced that we favour his older brother. I know that's not true, I just couldn't ever have a favourite son but how he feels is important and so is talking about it.

    - No job: I'm not sure how close you are to being able to work so its difficult to give specific advice, but perhaps think about what the right first step towards that might be - that might be as simple as leaving the house, or getting out of bed, or submitting an application or learning new skills. That depends where you are at, I think, but there are always steps towards getting a job.

    - Dogs: are great, wonderful creatures that I completely love. But they don't half make you feel down when they die. It's a uniquely horrible feeling. Take time to grieve, in whatever way works for you, and recognise that you are experiencing grief.

    Being depressed is horrible, and I have been in similar places to you. There is always a way back to a better, worthwhile, rewarding life.

    Please let us know you are ok. 

Reply
  • Hi, really sorry you feel like this. I read your post and am obviously concerned about you. I'm just going to type some thoughts which your message provoked. None of them are meant to minimise what you have said. But the most important thing is to please reach out to someone - like the Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org (they will get back to you within 24 hours if you email them).

    Anyway, here are my thoughts:

    - Not minimising what you have said but I think it's very difficult to be objective about your own life / worth, especially when you are going through a depressive episode. So when you say that objectively you have nothing to live for, I completely believe that is how you feel, and that is really important, but I think it's a subjective view and objectively I am 100% certain there is a way back.

    - Not having a girlfriend - it sucks, and it's difficult, there is really nothing wrong with being a virgin at 25. Far more people are than would ever admit to it. I was around that age when I lost my virginity. My advice is to try and focus less on getting a girlfriend and more on putting yourself in situations where that might naturally happen (I joined a charity which I cared about and that ended up with me meeting my wife).

    - Friends: again, I think the same thing applies - rather than doing something which might feel phoney or forced to autistic people, again I would recommend joining an activity / society / club / course where friendships might develop through common interests.

    - Family: obviously I don't know your family - but have you tried talking to your family about it? One of my sons (who I suspect is autistic, like me) is convinced that we favour his older brother. I know that's not true, I just couldn't ever have a favourite son but how he feels is important and so is talking about it.

    - No job: I'm not sure how close you are to being able to work so its difficult to give specific advice, but perhaps think about what the right first step towards that might be - that might be as simple as leaving the house, or getting out of bed, or submitting an application or learning new skills. That depends where you are at, I think, but there are always steps towards getting a job.

    - Dogs: are great, wonderful creatures that I completely love. But they don't half make you feel down when they die. It's a uniquely horrible feeling. Take time to grieve, in whatever way works for you, and recognise that you are experiencing grief.

    Being depressed is horrible, and I have been in similar places to you. There is always a way back to a better, worthwhile, rewarding life.

    Please let us know you are ok. 

Children
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