Published on 12, July, 2020
Recently I feel like I should kill myself every day, but I have no plans to do so. I have been in pain for so long and I feel worse now. I have suffered from kidney stones for the past 15+ years and mostly it hurts my back and my legs from shifting my weight, but last month I had surgery to remove them and since then I have had this pain in my left kidney that feels like someone is cutting into me with a scalpel. Doctors tell me it was from complications with the stents that were removed 2 and a half weeks ago and I still feel bad.
I feel like such a failure too. I got a master's this year, but I don't even know if I want to work in that field and I can't get a job anyway. Just get turned down constantly and it makes me feel like the stupidest person in the world. It's been so long since I had a decent job and I've done everything I can to get one and I still can't do it. I know I'm scared also from past experiences when I worked in the same area and always hide what I was from others and myself. I know I can't do that anymore and I feel ashamed of what I am and what I have done. I always felt ashamed of myself and my family and I am tired of feeling that way about myself.
I always suppressed myself and hide what I was and denied to myself even after my diagnosis 7 years ago. I also find my experiences to be different from most autistic people maybe because I grew up in a time with no understanding of it, but I think it is more to do with me always feeling like I was alone and no one wanted me and it feels like that is reinforced time and time again by the constant rejection in all areas of my life. I have nothing and feel there will always be nothing for me and nobody in my life.
I am in my mid 40s, time is running out and I think I'll always be a nobody and alone. Plus I can't even imagine living without pain anymore and not sure I can go through with it.
Blimey mate! That is a lot of depressing emotion to be carrying - and a lot to unpack for the reader. Thank you for reading out.
First things first.....mid forties does not equate to "time is running out" any more than it equates to a 23yr old, 60yr old etc. In your case, you have at least quarter of a century to get yourself to a place that you want to be. That is loads of time and loads of possibilities.
Secondly.....you got a Masters this year, so you are evidently functioning pretty well at some level.
Thirdly....stents and drains are very often the cause of some prolonged and profound pain and discomfort after surgery. It always lingers far longer than you suspect to be normal. The good news is - the pain does leave eventually.
I don't want to trip out the usual trite nonsense at this point in my response (do your hobbies etc) because I can see that you actually are looking for some sense of purpose and help.
Can you proffer some more information about yourself so that I (or more likely other people on these pages) can potentially drop a seed to help you? I think we already understand the essence of how you are feeling so try not to repeat more of the burden that you are carrying......give us something more to know.
I want to help you if I can. I've been in some very dark places. Don't give up! I'm slowly emerging back into the light now MUCH more prepared - you can too.
Keep writing - and I hope your Sunday is more pleasing for you than yesterday.
Thanks for the reply, not entirely sure what you want to know, but here goes.
I live alone, always been quite independent, left home at 16 and worked for many years as well as done college/university. Parents divorced when young, was never close to my father but was to my mother between the ages of 5 and 9 and then it felt like neither of them wanted me. I now realize they were just selfish and I can never forgive because I can never forget, which I kinda hate myself for too.
Always had social and emotional issues, large crowds would always give me sensory overload and I always "heard" too much but mostly I just got on with it until I was burned out and couldn't carry on. I also found it hard to turn off in my job and would think about it when I was even trying not to and this also caused burnout and why I quit 13 years ago and went to university for a couple of years instead.
Struggled with SSRI withdrawal which lead me on to opiate addiction for a while. Since getting off all them 10 years ago and a breakdown of a long term relationship at the same time I've been alone and too scared to talk or accept help from anyone. Haven't been able to get a decent job since either which makes me feel like a failure.
Got my diagnosis which annoyed me because I thought I could do anything if I put my mind to it, but then I was told no you're actually extremely limited and I still have trouble accepting that. It does feel like sounds hurt me more as I get older though and mostly it does just add to the pain I already feel.
I avoid everything social and interactions with people usually don't go well and I think the pain and noise have a lot to do with that. I was playing an online game for social interaction but it just became embarrassing with my age, people half my age don't even know what I'm saying most of the time. So now I don't even have anything to pass the time.
A few years ago I bought a van and started delivering parcels. My back and legs were sore all the time, but I just worked through it because I knew the alternative was sitting in my house staring out the window and I had done that for too long. I gave it up at the start of this year around the same time I finished my master's when the anxiety and pain had just got too much and I knew I needed to get rid of the kidney stones before I done anything else.
So here I am, 8 months later, got rid of the kidney stones and now more anxiety and pain than ever... I did feel optimistic about it and was even fine about 10 days after surgery for a week, then got an infection. Also this is the 2nd time I had surgery, last time was 5 years ago and there was complications, but not this pain for so long. I guess that's age, but I did feel healthier than last time which I thought would help.
Sorry about the length, wasn't sure what to write, so wrote everything.... Damn this perfectionism...
You are one of the more dynamic people on these pages mate !
You have had good jobs. You got yourself a Masters, you previously got yourself that van and that job. You got yourself an addiction - and then beat it. You got yourself a diagnosis. You got yourself gaming and then got yourself operated on for a medical problem.
But you are now sore and fed-up.
A diagnosis doesn't actually change anything (from what I can gather from most in this place) but a few do seem to achieve a lasting and restful sense of calm. It looks like you are not one of them - which is a pity, but not the end of the world. Your diagnosis 7 years ago is still a force for good - it confirms that there are things that you will have always struggled with - that's just a fact. You seem pretty annoyed with yourself and the world around you, but you seem to be taking care of business despite that dark energy. Perhaps you are frustrated by how hard everything proves to be - but you have been getting on with it. That's good news!
I reckon that you are going to crawl back into action soon, when you are feeling a little better and will then be capable of doing what you evidently have always done - survived in the world. Then you'll be back on your hind legs and moving with even more purpose - "necessity is the mother of all invention."
I also reckon that, if you allow yourself some time to reflect about the practicalities of your life that you hate or that cause you most distress (rather than just feeling resentful and frustrated by them,) you'll be able to re-craft your life to avoid them more effectively.
Rather than trying to think about "rebuilding your life from scratch" (this sounds pretty daunting to me) why don't you think of it as "restarting activity with better decisions guiding that activity." Your diagnosis is important for that.
You are evidently more than capable of thriving, rather than just surviving - so why not aim high? The only problem with that lofty statement is that you need to know the goal / target.
I'm still working on that knotty question myself.
I wish you well, and hope that others will proffer an opinion - stay sane mate.