Perfectionism

Hi there! I read your post by accident althhough I'm on this website to learn how to help my child, but I couldnt pass your story, as it's so much like my own

im about 20 years older than you, I'm guessing. I got my first ever B in 9th grade and it felt like a complete catastrophe. I finished school with 4 Bs out of 34 courses, including advanced ones, - in Physics, Algebra, PhysEd and Graphics.   I ignored all the As, just remembered the Bs and they burned my conscience like hot iron. Man I finished school back in the 90s and I still remember this

While studying at University full time, I worked select nights at a hospital to support myself, and then part time at a PR agency. I sometimes left home in the morning to go to school and came back only two nights after because I went uni - job 1 - job 2 - repeat - home in two days.

And to me, it was normal. Nothing extraordinary, nothing to be proud of, just do what I'm supposed to do.

Work - that also went really well. I immediately found a job, proved myself, got promoted many times and by 30 I already was upper middle management. For years, I worked 12hr days including Saturdays and the world was my oyster.

All was going well until I started drinking. The pressure on me was so high, and the person putting it on myself was me, I had a big job, people I was responsible for, my staff, our revenue, I had little kids, my marriage was not the best, economy etc. At first, a shot or three of tequila helped, and mostly not to unwind because I couldn't afford any unwinding, but it gave me energy and calmness to cook and clean and take care of the kids after a full work day. Let me cut a story by ten years and tell you that I lost alost everything - my career, my home, my marriage, and barely was able to keep my kids and my life. All of that happened because I was a perfectionist.

i honestly thought that anything coming from me, had to be perfect and that's it. At first it wasn't too hard, but eventually when I was moving up, the tasks were getting harder and at some point I felt I was in for too much, but it was too late to show that this is too thought for me, I was trying to make myself be always and forever perfect. And none of us are.

Perfectionism mostly comes from our desire to control everything, as in not to let anything bad happen.  We are working hard, making the perfect setting to "always be closing" - to have a good career, safe life, nice home etc. and we think the way to get this is not to make ANY mistakes at all. When we think that we control everything, we also think that when something doesn't work out, then it happened because I made a mistake.  It rained today specifically because I didn't have an umbrella with me.

The first step in reducing the stress level is to learn about Radical Acceptance - and accept the hardest thing possibly ever, that we cannot control everything. Take me - I had an exemplary, outstanding career that ended after 16 brilliant successful years. And then one of my children got a serious health condition which I also somehow thought was my fault.  And then I got diagnosed with a debilitating health condition. And my ex-husband decided it was all too much for him and left, so I was left alone, with very young children, in a foreign country, without a job, with an active addiction, with a disabled child and sick myself. I'm still not fully accepting that I can’t control everything, as it's extremely hard (I bet that your parents also had a lot to do with instilling that perfectionism into you, it's not you who came up with this) but I'm working on it.  

My humble suggestion based on observations of my own life - work on radically accepting the things you cannot change. Repeat to yourself daily or hourly that you are a very smart, driven, ambitious person who is valued, appreciated and will have a great future.  But, you are not Odin, or Thor, or Freja - you are not a god, you do make mistakes, because it's NORMAL to make mistakes. Even these gods, as far as I remember, made a lot of mistakes, so us mere mortals most certainly can make some. Don't judge yourself too harshly - in reality, your bosses judge you maybe ten times lighter than you jurge yourself. They see your mistakes, but they made them too at your age, and now what they mostly see is your potential, which is huge and that's why they invest their time in you, because you are showing promise.  Your mistakes are tiny specs of dust on a shiny marble fox statue, barely noticeable and easily wiped off.

ok it's late and I already wrote too much :))

I believe in you. You are doing great. And if you ever need a pep talk, let me know ;) 

Thank you that was really helpful. I am only 22 so I think I have time to figure it out. 

I wrote that during a small set back. I have in general been getting a lot better about this sort of thing.

To cut a very long story short, I was at a prestigious uni trying to balance post-grad maths with high level sports whilst going through horrible family stuff and trying to process my autism diagnosis, and I cracked under the pressure. Twice. Anxiety quite often made me really disengaged from reality I felt like I was dreaming and I would get lost ending up cycling long distances at night around in circles, and I was still trying to understand abstract maths but absolutely none of it would go in. So I'd spend even longer on it.  I was working out about 3 hours a day on about 5 hours sleep average, sometimes as little as 2 hours. Not because of insomnia, just because I couldn't afford to stop working for that long and I didn't want to give up on my academic and sports ambitions.

A few months ago I dropped out on mental health grounds and I am so much happier and more grounded now it's amazing. 

Thank you that was really helpful. I am only 22 so I think I have time to figure it out. 

I wrote that during a small set back. I have in general been getting a lot better about this sort of thing.

To cut a very long story short, I was at a prestigious uni trying to balance post-grad maths with high level sports whilst going through horrible family stuff and trying to process my autism diagnosis, and I cracked under the pressure. Twice. Anxiety quite often made me really disengaged from reality I felt like I was dreaming and I would get lost ending up cycling long distances at night around in circles, and I was still trying to understand abstract maths but absolutely none of it would go in. So I'd spend even longer on it.  I was working out about 3 hours a day on about 5 hours sleep average, sometimes as little as 2 hours. Not because of insomnia, just because I couldn't afford to stop working for that long and I didn't want to give up on my academic and sports ambitions.

A few months ago I dropped out on mental health grounds and I am so much happier and more grounded now it's amazing.