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Perfectionism

BassFace
over 2 years ago

I don't much like the term 'perfectionist' because it sounds like I think I'm perfect. (I don't.)

I have been in my job for about 2 months now and apparently everyone is impressed. They are training me up to do much more than I am 'supposed' to be doing.

I think they like me because I learn fast, I work hard and I have good attention to detail. Since I was a teenager I have felt like being a high achiever is my unique selling point and I pressure myself to keep it up at all times to make up for my lack of other skills (mainly 'people skills'). I've realised that I can't take it when I make mistakes or have an accident. Which has happened a couple of times in the past week at work. I feel an irrational level of guilt and shame and I break down crying as soon as I'm alone for lunch.

It is not that different from my uni experience where I was often so disgusted with myself for doing a bad job on a piece of work, that I couldn't bring myself to read the feedback and learn from it. 

I'm starting to realise that anxiety about getting stuff wrong holds me back in a lot of areas of life.

How can you keep high standards without hating yourself when you mess up?

(It would be nice if I never messed up ever again, but I am human so I definitely will.)

Parents
  • over 2 years ago

    Hi, I can relate to this- I am a perfectionist too and I always put a lot of pressure on myself to do well- At school and (in part) at uni, this intrinsic drive to always do better and to push myself made me do better- however it can take a huge toll in the long-term- for me the balance tipped at some point and I became paralysed by the stress and pressure. I think for a long time achieving on an academic level was what held my life together and gave me purpose as I felt so lost in many other aspects of life.

    I wish I could give you advice, but I haven't really figured it out yet myself. I think in some ways I have become more relaxed at making mistakes: sheer practice I think, as like you say, mistakes can't be avoided unless we stop doing anything at all... I also try to rationalise by asking myself if I will remember this mistake in say 1 month from now? 1 year from now? etc. Also keep reminding myself that I learnt from this mistake and now I will not make the same one again. I do work in a field where things not working are the norm (I'm a scientist and somehow in the lab stuff never works)... so I have built up some tolerance to things going wrong. My first assumption if something goes wrong is also that I am to blame and I immediately feel guilty.... but this is also not always true and there are often multiple factors many of which are out of your control. I do often find myself planning things to excess though as I want to avoid mistakes... 

    At the moment I struggle with low self confidence and burnout- I lost some of my motivation and drive, which is very confusing and sad. 

    I think you are already one step of the way to doing a better job at dealing with this as you have realised that too much perfectionism can be dangerous... For me too much perfectionism has actually in the end made me so much less efficient and productive and has had a negative impact on my mental health. I think self-awareness is the first step to making a change so you are already doing very well!!  :). Sorry to not be of more help. I hope you figure it out :) 

Reply
  • over 2 years ago

    Hi, I can relate to this- I am a perfectionist too and I always put a lot of pressure on myself to do well- At school and (in part) at uni, this intrinsic drive to always do better and to push myself made me do better- however it can take a huge toll in the long-term- for me the balance tipped at some point and I became paralysed by the stress and pressure. I think for a long time achieving on an academic level was what held my life together and gave me purpose as I felt so lost in many other aspects of life.

    I wish I could give you advice, but I haven't really figured it out yet myself. I think in some ways I have become more relaxed at making mistakes: sheer practice I think, as like you say, mistakes can't be avoided unless we stop doing anything at all... I also try to rationalise by asking myself if I will remember this mistake in say 1 month from now? 1 year from now? etc. Also keep reminding myself that I learnt from this mistake and now I will not make the same one again. I do work in a field where things not working are the norm (I'm a scientist and somehow in the lab stuff never works)... so I have built up some tolerance to things going wrong. My first assumption if something goes wrong is also that I am to blame and I immediately feel guilty.... but this is also not always true and there are often multiple factors many of which are out of your control. I do often find myself planning things to excess though as I want to avoid mistakes... 

    At the moment I struggle with low self confidence and burnout- I lost some of my motivation and drive, which is very confusing and sad. 

    I think you are already one step of the way to doing a better job at dealing with this as you have realised that too much perfectionism can be dangerous... For me too much perfectionism has actually in the end made me so much less efficient and productive and has had a negative impact on my mental health. I think self-awareness is the first step to making a change so you are already doing very well!!  :). Sorry to not be of more help. I hope you figure it out :) 

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