Help with feelings of panic when I wake up in the morning

I had CBT at the beginning of the pandemic. This included speaking to a person on the phone then using Silver Cloud during the week. It was helpful to speak to someone without having to go anywhere. I waited a while but there was a phone number to call, so I remember contacting to see how long the wait would be. Not sure if that would be an option so you can say things have got worse.

I have the problem of thinking about negative things during the night. I either get up and listen to music or with headphones or try to think of a pleasant memory, like watching waves on a beach or anything else to distract me. I have found instrumental music with pictures of beaches or nature which can help. 

Hope you are able to get help soon.

Blessings to you Kate (everyone on this forum is in my prayers)

Hello Cullpepper - thank you very much for sharing this. I really relate to much of what you’ve written. I’m so sorry you had that experience in hospital. Gosh - I also felt very hopeless when I was there. I think hospital - especially if it’s for something serious and for a long time - is extremely difficult for autistic people. Everything about hospital distressed me - the lights, the sounds, the lack of privacy and control, the people, the treatments and the restriction of being unable to get out of bed. It was a nightmare for me and it’s had a terrible impact on my mental health. So I really relate to what you say - and I’m sorry you went through that. I sometimes wonder too if the drugs we are given have an impact on mental health. 
like you I felt very alone in hospital as visitors were not allowed because of coronavirus. I cried in hospital as well and it felt so lonely to be doing that. The staff were not good at dealing with the emotional side of things - and they didn’t seem to understand my needs as an autistic person at all. It was really distressing and lonely. 
I totally understand you not wanting people coming to the house - I hate people coming to the house! Just to put an alternative point of view (for the sake of balance) - my aunt also hated people coming to the house, but when her husband died last year she was very lonely. She also didn’t like the idea of Carers coming in but eventually accepted the idea. She was surprised to find (having dreaded it) that it turned out she really enjoyed her carer coming every day - she enjoyed the company and felt less lonely. As time went on she viewed her carer as a real friend more than anything else, and it helped her so much with her feelings of loneliness.  So it’s worth considering that it might not be the way you expect - just a thought. 
I’m sorry that you are feeling low at the moment - I am too as you know. You’re not alone. Don’t give up hope of things improving - I feel so dreadful at the moment and sometimes feel that i will never get back to feeling happy again. But I’m trying my best to keep going and not give up. Hearing from people like you makes me realise that I’m not alone, and that lots of people go through this. You and I have been through a lot and as we are autistic it’s been even more magnified. We need to rest and recover - and hopefully they’ll soon be some light on the horizon. Take care and and I hope the clouds clear a bit for you soon. x 

Hi Kate,

I've always been a morning person, up early and standing on the steps outside the gym to do an hour working out before work. Then working long hours. But i'm not now, how things change. I still wake up early, but lay there thinking, what is there to get up for. I was in hospital for a few weeks last year and had a pacemaker fitted. When i first went in, i had tubes & wires attached to me,  couldn't even get out of bed to go for a wee, so they had a sort of nappy on me. It was so uncomfortable i couldn't sleep despite being so tired. And i'd lay there in the dark, in a ward by myself, listening to the hospital noises in the distance, thinking.......... Why am i here ? Not why am i here in hospital. But why am i here. I couldn't think of a single person who'd miss me, or would be that bothered if i'd gone to sleep and not woke up. I woke up a couple of mornings when the nurse came around, i was in tears, and i'm 68yrs old. I told the nurse, i feel like i'm taking this bed off someone who really needs it, someone who'd be missed a lot more than me. When they let me out of hospital they told me i needed to contact Social Services, i need a Carer, but 'cos of the autism, i don't want someone, especially a stranger, coming to my house.

I remember years ago, my Gp suddenly asking if i ever had suicidal thoughts, i was shocked, don't know why he asked, but said No never. I think the answer is still No, but i'd have to think about.  There are times, mostly of a night sitting here alone wishing i'd done things differently in my life, when i was younger, and now had a family i could talk to.

Thank you Don. I’m not religious in any conventional sense but I did pray when I was in hospital. I didn’t really know what I was doing - or really even who or what I was praying to - but it did help me a bit. I haven’t done it since though. I have a lot of respect for religion and how helpful it  is for many people and how it does have an important place in so many people’s lives. It can bring comfort and bring people together  - which is invaluable. 
In many ways I envy people who have a strong faith - I wish I had that. I’m glad that you have that and that you get much comfort from it. We need comfort in this very challenging world don’t we? Thank you for your reply x

Thank you. Everyone is so kind on here and so helpful. It means a lot to me. I’m at my wits end and the nhs is not there for me in any meaningful sense right now. I even had to wait 2 weeks for a phone call with my GP. People on here have helped me more and have better ideas than my GP. I hadn’t thought about EMDR - that’s really interesting. 
I think you’re right that going somewhere face to face would be more difficult for me in reality. I have health anxiety and I’m really worried about Covid - especially as cases are so high right now. So it’s true that really online is better for me at the moment. 
Thank yo7 for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me - I’m so grateful x 

I just wondered because the link you sent was Australian! I’m in the U.K. to. 

1. I can related and hope you get the right kind of help soon. I have been through this on and off (my mind is buzzing especially first thing in the morning). I have found listening to relaxing sounds with headphones on a good way to smooth my mind. The biggest thing I have discovered that really works for me in this respect is praying (it depends if you are a religious person of course, but this has helped me the most).

If it's online therapy then in some ways that might be preferable (no travelling or waiting in unfamiliar environments and more comfortable in your own home) but if it's via the NHS it's probably IAPT and might not be very well tailored to what you need.

I believe, though, that in some areas they're now offering EMDR.  A few years ago I did manage to get a couple of sessions of this from a high intensity IAPT therapist, but she was doing it unofficially and after a short while stopped and told me that I couldn't be treated under IAPT because my depression/anxiety was reactive rather then endogenous.  I'm sure this cut down their workload because I think most of the issues they see will be reactive and it's bound to be if it's trauma-related.

Maybe see how the online therapy goes but be prepared to push it from low intensity (Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner level) to high intensity, face to face therapy, plus explain that it would be trauma related.  

In the meantime, yes, break the pattern as far as possible by getting up quickly to avoid rumination whilst in bed plus maybe investigate the possibility of private therapy - there are getting to be more neurodivergent practitioners around now and there are a couple of Facebook groups for them (Yes, my other home is FB :) ).  The Autistic Counsellors and Psychotherapists group is building up a directory but I'm not sure when this will become generally available. 

I hope you get there. I know how exhausting it can be. No, I'm in North west England.  What about you?

Thank you - I appreciate all you say here so much. Yes - my baseline anxiety is higher too because I have GAD. Years ago after the anti-depressants were such a disaster for me my parents paid for me to have one session with a psychiatrist and he explained this to me. My health crisis last year has hit me like a train. I’m sorry that you have had health problems too - and I’m glad you have a supportive partner. My husband does his best to support me and has been so patient - but I feel guilty sometimes that I ask so much of him. He’s so tired too. We’re all totally worn out in our family - that’s the truth of it.

I hope things improve for you soon as well - thank you again for all your help, solidarity and support. The resources you posted the link to look really good - thank you. Are you in Australia? 

The last thing I'll say...if you do the online support and feel it isn't helping, you must tell someone, either the person who you are in regular contact with or the organisation which is providing this for you.

Avoidance doesn't work, it just pushes things down and they'll surface eventually. We have to learn to better tolerate it and know it won't harm us. I feel I'm wasting my life feeling like this and that really only if my life is at risk should I be feeling this way as that is what fight or flight was made for....not because of anything to do with work. People are undergoing immense traumatic stress in other parts of the world at the moment. ..they aren't worrying about getting people through their exams!! However we need to remember to be kind to ourselves. I've always said our primitive brains are not equipped for the modern world.  Society has evolved quicker than humans have.

Also I didn't realise this till starting therapy that having GAD (and subsequently AS diagnosis) has meant that a)I wasn't dealing with anxiety in the best way, and probably more importantly,  b)my base levels are already starting off higher than other people. So that when something big happens it just sends me off the scale. I think difficulty understanding our internal workings, difficulty regulating emotions and thoughts all adds to the mix. My partner is a very rational level headed person, totally opposite to myself. I did make some progress towards this myself last year, but I needed to bring the initial peak down in order to see this was even possible. It's since all gone to pot because of ill health.

Mental health provision in this country is shocking but then I don't know how it compares to other places. The professionals absolutely do their best but there needs to be more investment. My cbt therapist said many people only contact their service when they are at breaking point, rather than before.  

I understand how hard it is when you feel you can't cope and dont know where to turn. Good luck. X

Oh you are so kind - thank you so much for trying to help  I can’t tell you just how much I appreciate it. All you say here makes sense to me. The exposure therapy sounds like a good idea - I find that I try not to think about my distressing memories but it just doesn’t work. They are always there in the background. I re-live the feelings  that were so horrendous. You are right that I do need help. I can’t really afford to pay privately - we have such a small amount of savings and I’d be very anxious not to keep that little bit of ‘cushion’ that we have. It’s wrong that people can’t get help like this on the NHS. I feel like you can only get help quickly if you say you’re imminently going to kill yourself - they basically wait until people get to that stage before helping - which is appalling. 
I took SSRIs about 15 years ago and they were a disaster for me - I’d never dare take them again. I had a terrible racing mind and they made me have thoughts I’d never had before - about planning to end my life in the strangest,  most determined and organised way. I’d never felt that before or since, I’d never risk that again. 
thank you so much for your encouraging words of hope  - they really do mean an enormous amount to me. At the moment it feels like I’ll never feel happy again - but I know that’s the ‘trick’ that mental illness plays on you. It overwhelms you and you feel there’s no hope. Thank you for reminding me that it’s not true, and that most people do get past these dark times in our lives. 
Your kindness and thoughtfulness means a huge amount to me - thank you. I’m sorry that you have obviously had so many struggles too - I’m glad that you have found help and that it has really made a difference to you. You’ve obviously worked hard to get to a better place. I’m so glad that you have. x 

Kate, you need professional help. Can you go private at all? Is there any employee assistance support with your husbands work where they may be able to offer help to family members? (They can offer therapy).  

I don't know if exposure therapy is the right treatment for ptsd but I did it for anxiety by exposing myself to a "trigger", repeatedly until it no longer bothered me.  I could see how my anxiety peaked then each time it started off at a lower base rate. This tells me that feelings of anxiety will always come down. I don't actually know how much I believe it anymore as ive been in  a perpetual state of anxiety since September really. But it helped massively at the time getting me out of a hole. I've been doing online where I send messages to a counsellor. It's as much use to me as a chocolate fireguard. Before I knew I was autistic these generic sorts of therapies (same content but with actual people) wasn't supportive at all and still isn't but I always have to keep an open mind and try to advocate for myself which is hard at times. Pleaee don't let what I've said put you off but don't feel like a failure if it doesn't work for you.

These are resources I used in my CBT and for myself www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/.../Looking-After-Yourself

However, you really need to be able to talk to someone I think. Have you been to your doctor? It sounds awful what you have been and are going through. You must be a very strong person...more than you realise. You don't have to do it on your own and keep fighting through each day.  When I was in a bad way a few years ago, no amount of tablets, meditation or yoga helped.  It was uncontrollable until I had talking therapy. There will come a time, believe me, when you have the space of time and you can look back and see what you had gone through and had come out the other side.

I didn't want to take SSRI tablets but I had no choice in the end. Altho they didn't help overall, they are not for everyone but you might find they help.  Search on BACP for an autism counsellor.  It might seem like an expense but you are investing in your future of yourself to get better. This is how I am approaching it. 

Yes - break the chain - I’m sure you’re right. The thing is I was hospitalised last year and it was very traumatic and I was very close to dying and ever since I just feel haunted by what I’ve been through. I don’t feel safe anymore, I feel frightened all the time of getting ill again. And just frightened of so much, so many aspects of life now feel so overwhelming. What is exposure therapy? How does that work? I don’t really know how my online thing will be - she said it was typing online to a real person who will respond - that’s all I know. I had a phone call for a basic assessment the other week but I haven’t heard anything back since. In the meantime though I’m just desperately unhappy because I just spend everyday feeling massively anxious all the time. It’s hell to be honest. I  feel strongly that I need more help than I’m getting - because I’m not getting any help at the moment! Just ‘self help’ and frankly I am all out of ideas. I think I have PTSD of some kind. Whatever it is I’m not coping. 
Thanks for your response - I really appreciate you trying to help. X

For me, I did exposure therapy in CBT (ideally with an actual person to talk through it rather than online), so I know the feelings will always come down. You might need to work on your anxiety as a whole rather than specifically this situation. You have been through an awful lot by the sounds of things. I get anxiety about more getting potentially more anxious. You might be in a high state of fight or flight. Anxiety feeds itself and if you can break the chain somehow that's a step. May I ask what online therapy you will have? I've been using Silvercloud and I haven't really found it helpful. It's like a one size fits all but I understand services are so stretched there aren't any other options at the moment.

Having said that most days I have low rumbling morning anxiety...even today on a Sunday. I don't know how to deal with this. I think I've learned the physical feelings are there before the thoughts and my thoughts latch on to the physical. 

I struggle the same on/off. I immediately get up & distract myself by making a cup of tea,have a cig & take my doggies out in the garden. By then those feelings have passed.