Help with feelings of panic when I wake up in the morning

1. I can related and hope you get the right kind of help soon. I have been through this on and off (my mind is buzzing especially first thing in the morning). I have found listening to relaxing sounds with headphones on a good way to smooth my mind. The biggest thing I have discovered that really works for me in this respect is praying (it depends if you are a religious person of course, but this has helped me the most).

Hi Kate,

I've always been a morning person, up early and standing on the steps outside the gym to do an hour working out before work. Then working long hours. But i'm not now, how things change. I still wake up early, but lay there thinking, what is there to get up for. I was in hospital for a few weeks last year and had a pacemaker fitted. When i first went in, i had tubes & wires attached to me,  couldn't even get out of bed to go for a wee, so they had a sort of nappy on me. It was so uncomfortable i couldn't sleep despite being so tired. And i'd lay there in the dark, in a ward by myself, listening to the hospital noises in the distance, thinking.......... Why am i here ? Not why am i here in hospital. But why am i here. I couldn't think of a single person who'd miss me, or would be that bothered if i'd gone to sleep and not woke up. I woke up a couple of mornings when the nurse came around, i was in tears, and i'm 68yrs old. I told the nurse, i feel like i'm taking this bed off someone who really needs it, someone who'd be missed a lot more than me. When they let me out of hospital they told me i needed to contact Social Services, i need a Carer, but 'cos of the autism, i don't want someone, especially a stranger, coming to my house.

I remember years ago, my Gp suddenly asking if i ever had suicidal thoughts, i was shocked, don't know why he asked, but said No never. I think the answer is still No, but i'd have to think about.  There are times, mostly of a night sitting here alone wishing i'd done things differently in my life, when i was younger, and now had a family i could talk to.

Hi Kate,

I've always been a morning person, up early and standing on the steps outside the gym to do an hour working out before work. Then working long hours. But i'm not now, how things change. I still wake up early, but lay there thinking, what is there to get up for. I was in hospital for a few weeks last year and had a pacemaker fitted. When i first went in, i had tubes & wires attached to me,  couldn't even get out of bed to go for a wee, so they had a sort of nappy on me. It was so uncomfortable i couldn't sleep despite being so tired. And i'd lay there in the dark, in a ward by myself, listening to the hospital noises in the distance, thinking.......... Why am i here ? Not why am i here in hospital. But why am i here. I couldn't think of a single person who'd miss me, or would be that bothered if i'd gone to sleep and not woke up. I woke up a couple of mornings when the nurse came around, i was in tears, and i'm 68yrs old. I told the nurse, i feel like i'm taking this bed off someone who really needs it, someone who'd be missed a lot more than me. When they let me out of hospital they told me i needed to contact Social Services, i need a Carer, but 'cos of the autism, i don't want someone, especially a stranger, coming to my house.

I remember years ago, my Gp suddenly asking if i ever had suicidal thoughts, i was shocked, don't know why he asked, but said No never. I think the answer is still No, but i'd have to think about.  There are times, mostly of a night sitting here alone wishing i'd done things differently in my life, when i was younger, and now had a family i could talk to.

Hello Cullpepper - thank you very much for sharing this. I really relate to much of what you’ve written. I’m so sorry you had that experience in hospital. Gosh - I also felt very hopeless when I was there. I think hospital - especially if it’s for something serious and for a long time - is extremely difficult for autistic people. Everything about hospital distressed me - the lights, the sounds, the lack of privacy and control, the people, the treatments and the restriction of being unable to get out of bed. It was a nightmare for me and it’s had a terrible impact on my mental health. So I really relate to what you say - and I’m sorry you went through that. I sometimes wonder too if the drugs we are given have an impact on mental health. 
like you I felt very alone in hospital as visitors were not allowed because of coronavirus. I cried in hospital as well and it felt so lonely to be doing that. The staff were not good at dealing with the emotional side of things - and they didn’t seem to understand my needs as an autistic person at all. It was really distressing and lonely. 
I totally understand you not wanting people coming to the house - I hate people coming to the house! Just to put an alternative point of view (for the sake of balance) - my aunt also hated people coming to the house, but when her husband died last year she was very lonely. She also didn’t like the idea of Carers coming in but eventually accepted the idea. She was surprised to find (having dreaded it) that it turned out she really enjoyed her carer coming every day - she enjoyed the company and felt less lonely. As time went on she viewed her carer as a real friend more than anything else, and it helped her so much with her feelings of loneliness.  So it’s worth considering that it might not be the way you expect - just a thought. 
I’m sorry that you are feeling low at the moment - I am too as you know. You’re not alone. Don’t give up hope of things improving - I feel so dreadful at the moment and sometimes feel that i will never get back to feeling happy again. But I’m trying my best to keep going and not give up. Hearing from people like you makes me realise that I’m not alone, and that lots of people go through this. You and I have been through a lot and as we are autistic it’s been even more magnified. We need to rest and recover - and hopefully they’ll soon be some light on the horizon. Take care and and I hope the clouds clear a bit for you soon. x