Why do I keep focusing on things that don’t matter?

Taking a meditation or yoga class can help with letting the small things go. See if there’s a free class in your area to try it out. I’ve been practicing yoga on and off for 10-12 years (I took a break for a while but I’m back on the horse, and I took my first class 12 years ago), and it’s really helped me learn to go with the echat.date flow and not let the small issues ruin the azar.pro bigger picture.

I wouldn't  say I was happier as it was for work and meant I was spending longer on things than I needed to, but I can see from your point of view it'd be much more enjoyable! There were times I'd be sitting there and it'd gone dark and id be sitting in the dark and hadn't moved from the laptop for 3 hours.

I'd love to sit in a dark box with no input or thoughts coming in.

No, it's not easy!!

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this too out_of_step. It’s not easy is it? (massive understatement !).

That’s a great suggestion about the funeral - and you’re so right: I get in this panicky ‘go in or don’t go in’ grove of thinking and I do forget the compromises that are open to me. Thank you for pointing that out as I don’t see it in myself a lot of the time (especially when I’m really anxious). 
I’m also having that feeling in the morning when I wake up. It’s been really bad recently - I have this sense of dread in that split second just after I wake up and realise that I’ve got to face it all again. I need to break this cycle but am finding that difficult at the moment as I have some PTSD issues that I’m dealing with (and other issues that came up for my family over the last few months). 
i also (until recently) had that thing that when I was really involved on working on something I would get so involved in it that I would forget to eat and drink etc. for hours. Generally I was happier in that frame of mind though - I really miss that at the moment. 

Ladies i need to say I am feeling similar at the moment. I'm going though il helath and I don't know if it's physical or mental but it's probably both. I think we need to remind ourselves of impermanence. It might feel it now but it won't last forever. Kate, with regards to the funeral, you could compromise and make an apearance but not stay. I think we tend to be all or nothing kind of people and forget the bit in between. 

I can see how hyper focus has interfered detrimentally with my job as I can spend hours at the laptop planning lessons and making resources then before I know it, I haven't made tea and its after 7pm. I'm trying to get better at this though.

At the moment I'm so depleted that all my coping mechanisms have pretty much left me. I've realised they do take an enormous amount of effort and I just don't have it in me at the moment. Most days I wake up and think "here we go again".

I'm glad there are some people on here who do understand 

Thank you Ann - that really does mean a lot to me x 

I wholly agree with what you say here. Like you I feel I need time - but it is a worry that the longer we withdraw from life the harder it is to get back out there and be around people. I have to go to a family funeral next week and I feel incredibly nervous about it - obviously I’m upset about the loved one who has died - but I’m also hugely anxious about being around all the other people at the funeral and possibly talking to them. I feel genuinely scared by it - more than I would have been previously. I’m even wondering if I can actually go through with going to the funeral - the anxiety is that bad. 
I think your also (hopefully!) right that will eventually return to my work. I’ve never had a long break like this before and it’s really unsettling. It’s been a constant for me for so many years to have work as my most trusted, grounding activity. It feels wrong that I’m not working - but I can’t apply myself at all. I don’t want to force myself to work - as I know it wouldn’t work. And anyway - to be honest I don’t think I COULD force myself to work. My brain just won’t go there - if that makes sense? 
Like you say - if and when it does happen I think it will be a gentle, tentative  and gradual return. I hope so. Thank you for your thoughtful reply - you obviously really understand these feelings d can relate. It’s so good to feel less alone with these experiences - thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and others on here - it helps so much. You are not alone Ann. We may be in differenplaces and miles apart but I am here for you in word and in spirit. Autistic people are so often isolated and it is such a shame in many ways (even though I haven’t much wanted friends ‘in person’ aot of the time as I found it stressful). I think this Community is wonderful and I’m so glad I came on here. The sun is shining here - I hope it is where you are too (although as I hiker I imagine that (like me) you enjoy all weathers! 

Thank you so much!! I am returning a huge virtual hug. Your message is making me feel better. I really hope you and your son start feeling better soon. 

What I find very hard is knowing to what extent I should let myself withdraw vs pushing myself to try and somehow face things again and get going. At this point I have gone with almost complete withdrawal- For practical reasons though (work etc), I probably cannot keep this up much longer. I feel like I have lost the capacity to deal with anything and the thought of having to face things again terrifies me. I do not feel ready. I think that with time, more energy and motivation might come, though I may need to push myself to get started... but I am scared that by letting myself withdraw I am becoming less and less able to cope with everything... (a downward spiral/ loss of tolerance? or a much needed time out to recharge batteries??)

I think if I could, I would just give myself more time and the desire to engage more again would probably come.

I'm really sorry you are struggling. Of course I have no way of knowing this, but I do think with time your desire to engage with painting will slowly come back. I have previously had minor episodes of what I am experiencing now and with time usually I slowly gained back the motivation- I would find myself getting bored, maybe taking a peak at my interest for a few minutes (though not engaging) or thinking back fondly of when I did engage with it- I let that desire grow though I did have to push myself to engage again once I felt more ready. I needed to overcome the fear of engaging again and get used to it again.

Fresh air is so good for me too- I am happy you and your son are managing to go out for walks and benefiting from it. I think it is good to do some kind of activity that is not related to the painting / work. In the past I also found being with animals very calming and positive. 

I am sending you and your son lots of best wishes too!! And a big virtual hug :) 

Ann - this is totally how I feel too. I used to obsessively concentrate on my work (my painting)  - I’d forget about everything else while I was doing it and completely lost track of time. I’d be completely absorbed in it 100%. However I had serious illness last year and since then I haven’t been able to work at all. I can’t concentrate on it. As a result all the obsessive, highly focused aspects of my thinking are focusing on the negative things - my fears and anxieties. I’ve lost all peace of mind as a result - and I’m not enjoying life at all at the moment. Like you I find myself unable to function and actually achieve anything. This message thing on here is mine of the few things I can concentrate on at the moment - because it’s such a relief to realise that other people are also feeling this way. Like you I want to withdraw. I’m finding it hard to motivate myself to go out. I have to make myself go out because I know that walking outside is one of the few things that helps at the moment. But it takes me and my son ages to motivate ourselves and organise ourselves to get out of the house. For my son even cleaning his teeth is something that he struggles to make himself do - he just feels a tremendous lethargy and lack of motivation at the moment.

Sending the spirit of solidarity to you  Ann - it’s really hard dealing with this and I am sending you all my best wishes (and a virtual hug if you are ok with virtual hugs) x 

I can relate to this- I have this "all or nothing" mindset, perfectionism and I tend to get hyper-focused on one goal/topic. In the past I was able to channel this into something useful- doing very well academically and especially in science. However then it started to turn against me and it has become self-destructive. I am currently in a phase where I feel capable of nothing really- even the smallest thing seems too much for me at present. I panic at everything and the idea to go back out into the 'real world' is terrifying. I just want to withdraw into my bubble at the moment. 

‘It’s important to bend like a reed rather than snap like a stick’ - yes. Yes. This is me - I’m ‘snapping like a stick’ at the moment. I’ve never been able to be flexible and moderate  in my approach to life - I’ve always had a sort of ‘all or nothing’ mindset that’s actually turned out to be really destructive for me. It’s just too intense, everything feels so intense for me all the time. I wish I could be less obsessive and intense in my experience of the world.

Great answer: thank you for this 

I’m like this. I overthink everything to the point where I get massively stressed and tired. I get stuck on one topic and obsess over it. 
I’ve been really struggling with my mental health recently and as a result have been reading about things like mindfulness, meditation, Bon and Buddhist religion etc. Many of the things I’m reading about I think might help with my frantic mind - so I need to try them. I’m in my fifties now and I wish I’d tried to get help earlier with the way I think and how anxious I get. I’d recommend anyone to try and find good strategies when they’re younger - because frankly after years and years of struggling with my autistic related anxiety, inflexibility and overthinking etc I'm exhausted. It takes it’s toll on you after many decades. It’s no way to live. 

It might be how to deal with uncertainty. Before I moved house I was constantly looking at the route to work and traffic levels, timings etc. It wasn't so much a worry but I think it was a way to try and control something which was uncertain. 

I think that is helpful at the moment with so much going on last couple of years it becomes exhausting.

I project, too. 

However, I'm learning to focus on the here and now. 

I love the image of the Ant. 

This is part of the autistic brain. It is something one has to learn to get a handle on. It doesn't mean we stop hyper-focusing on a detail and being driven by it. But in order to mature with what's called "Monotropism" https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-32/august-2019/me-and-monotropism-unified-theory-autism we have to learn to adjust our Priorities.

Once you have a vision about a thing happening, it can become a Locked Future. This is great for building a system and it's excellent for a natural Work Ethic. I must finish what I've started to full completion, no detail left unmet. But this capacity has a blind side. Have I thought through all the details? What am I missing? Being a mere muggle, what wizardry have I not yet mastered, encountered, etc. 

Once I'm aware that a thing NEEDS to be in my future - a guitar, a sofa, a style, a book, a location, I need to learn to be flexible with how and when it's acquired. It is important to bend like a Reed rather than snap like a Stick. If I cannot have the exact thing, what am I willing to negotiate on? It's OK for life to not play out exactly when others are involved. I have a working list of things I'd like and things I need for work - that list is then ordered by importance and afforded the room to wait until I'm financially capable.

Sometimes, we need to dream bigger. What if getting this tattoo means working a job you might not be good at (which creates further frustration) and has such an effect on school that it impacts all of your 20s further complicating life. 

I learned to write down 5 things I'd like to see happen this year - nothing out of reach, all reasonable very small goals or achievements. And 10 things I'd like to see happen in the next 10 years. Then fold this up, put it away until a year from now. Open it then and reassess. Do it again. For me, it's a good NYE exercise.  

One last thought: act like an Ant. We can only do so much, just do a little at a time, a few grains of sand per day and eventually you'll have built a mountain. 

I can relate to this too. I worry and obsess about a lot of things... including things in the future that right now I am still lacking information on. I also obsess/worry about things that like you say it "at the moment do not matter".  Whilst sometimes it is good to have a plan, this kind of thinking can create a lot of stress and is often also not very useful or efficient as key information is lacking. I have not really found a solution to this yet. Sometimes I try to rationalise and tell myself that it makes no sense to obsess about it now as I am lacking the appropriate information... I cannot possibly anticipate every possible scenario so it makes more sense to deal with it closer to the time, when I actually do have the information I need to make a decision. This sometimes helps as I know that I have done a preliminary assessment of the situation (ie I have started obsessing), I have recognised that at this point I have gone as far as I can in terms of useful planning so that it is best to put it to rest for a bit. - I like trying to rationalise things even though the anxieties and fears are often irrational. 

But like I said, I haven't really figured out how to stop this kind of worrying. I think for me it is a mixture of anxiety, fear of change/ disruption of routine and wanting to be prepared for all scenarios that leads to this thinking. And once I start, I get more and more into it, coming up with worst case scenarios etc... 

I really like the saying of someone I know and I wish I could live by her motto: She always says "to worry means you suffer twice". 

I think the fact that you are realising that you are worrying/obsessing about things that you might not have to worry so much about now, is already very good and the first step to stopping it. For a long time I was oblivious I was doing this. 

I am with you with planning too far ahead. Others will say don't think about it yet, but I find that very hard. I think it is a way of coping knowing I am prepared so nothing can go wrong I can't cope with.

In the end it has a negative effect as I feel stressed and tired because I am planning instead of going to sleep.  

I have started to try to block out things in the really distant future, but sometimes I write them down or draw them just so I can stop going over and over them.

So I think your idea of drawing them could be helpful if you can leave them there to come back to.