Published on 12, July, 2020
I am currently experiencing burnout and I have been off from my work in a research lab (where I wanted to do a PhD) for 5 weeks now. One of the main factors in my burnout was that I got hyper-focused on my research to the exclusion of all else including my health so that I ended up severely underweight. Being unable to say no and getting overburdened at work also contributed as did being around people all day possibly.
I have since 'banned myself' from science. Science has been my special interest since age 13 and it has held my life together ever since. I was at first so exhausted that I don't think I had the capacity to engage with science. Now I feel that I am not ready to go back to the lab (and not even sure I can stay in this particular lab as I am not sure it is an environment where I can stay safe) as I am scared I would fall back in the same pattern again as I have not learnt any new coping strategies and still feel so burnt out. I have been so depressed and even more so the past days and find myself crying abundantly and I realised that I am mourning the loss of my special interest (and just generally in utter despair that I simply cannot cope with life)- Has anyone else experienced this?
I thought today, maybe I should let myself/ push myself to read a paper as a low key way of engaging - but it feels too triggering, like it will make me too sad to have a glimpse of the science world I love so much. Also I am not sure it I am still feeling too burnt out for it.
At this point I am just sad, and confused about whether I will ever be able to cope with life and if I need to stay away from science for ever. I am even more confused as i have only recently come to suspect I am autistic and I keep doubting everything including this suspicion- It would make so much sense and would change how I manage the next steps in life... but I cannot access a formal assessment any time soon. I am just so sad that my special interest and main source of comfort, stability and motivation has turned against me, that I have had to ban myself from it and from that world. I am grieving and unsure if I should push myself to engage with it again? but it just feels too painful right now.
Hi. If you have burnout then its best to rest and not engage in any thinking or activity that is triggering or likely to swap you again. I had to switch off from some personal interests for burnout and other reasons, its not nice to do that but it wouldn't help to carry on. Best thing is not to get emotional about it, rather than feeling sad about the loss feel hopeful that you can return to it/them when you feel better. Burnout means we haven't managed our mind well in the past, and probably need to learn to from now on. Focus on the present, not past or future. Things to try are mindfulness and activities that get us away from our thoughts and feelings, like walking or just listening to calm music.
Its unlikely you can just battle your way out of burnout, its better to stop and take care, and then slowly take steps to where you want to be be - or decide to venture elsewhere.
Thanks, I am trying to see if I can have some more time to recover. I think in the past I tried to battle my way out of burnout by finding a new goal/target to obsess and focus on, but it hasn't really worked and this time the burnout is worse than ever. My instinct is to withdraw. I had one surprise social interaction (a surprise pre-birthday gathering which was a kind gesture but a disaster for me...) on Saturday and I am still recovering from that... It's just concerning that I still feel so low... I then also worry that I am wrong in my suspicion that I am autistic (thoughts like "what if I am simply depressed and should be trying to do more instead of less" etc). It would make a lot of sense if I was autistic (for various reasons. it resonates with me), but I need that clarity to put to rest that part of me that always questions everything (no matter how convinced I am). I am on the waiting list to be assessed, it will just take time.
Hopefully I can have some more time off and I hope the desire to engage with my interests will rekindle. That's what happened in the past. I love science too much - so far I have always wanted to come back to it.
I've known it for decades, probably since childhood as I remember reading but thoughts would distract me.Most of the time it wasn't intense, but sometimes I would get locked into the thinking over and over about the same thing, usually worries but also obsessions. Its not really an autism specific thing, but autistic people can find it difficult to regulate thoughts and feelings.
Most people have thoughts coming and going, you can't stop them coming, but latching on to them and getting stuck/obsessed is not healthy for the mind or body.
The main thing that works for me is mindfulness, if you focus on your senses then you can't react to thoughts/feelings - they will still come to you but in the background, but you won't get locked into them. Our brains will refocus back on thoughts after a few seconds, so you have to keep doing it. 15 minutes a day really helps. I recommend the book 'A mindfulness guide for the frazzled' by Ruby Wax, she explains about how the brain works and why mindfulness works, and how to do it. It worked better for me than focusing on breathing, which is a common method.
Another thing that can help is to just shout "stop!" in your mind, it needs to be powerful so its a shock.
You can also try things like 'these thoughts are not helping' or 'i don't want to think about that right now'.
If you can picture a favourite place/view in your mind, but keep explore the view and zoom in/out, so you are focusing on it.
Its really about becoming in control of your mind, choose what you think/feel. Its not about stopping thoughts, just letting them come and go if you don't need to think about whatever they are about.
It takes time to get better at it, so just try to take control now and then throughout your day.
Do you have any tips/ strategies on how to manage thoughts? I am constantly thinking/obsessing about something... it just never stops and until recently I didn't even realise it wasn't like that for everyone. It only hit me when a psychologist asked me how many hours a day I am occupied with these thoughts... and I didn't understand the question at first as to me it was like she was asking "how many hours a day do you breathe?" (I guess I also didn't realise as my mum is like me and also had no idea that not everyone had to deal with this...). I just wish my brain would shut up sometimes ... I have tried audiobooks but I have become used to them so that the audiobook gets shut out and the thinking just continues... At least now I know though that I can work on how I manage thoughts so that maybe I can get some peace...
Try not to engage with negative thoughts/worries likes doubts, I'm having to remember to do this after just finishing a course and lost focus and stopped managing my thoughts properly a while. Its steps forward, not leaps. Unlikely you could lose interest in science, even if you tried, its just best to get back there in a healthy way, and try and keep it healthy. Managing thoughts/feelings better can help do that.