Published on 12, July, 2020
I am currently experiencing burnout and I have been off from my work in a research lab (where I wanted to do a PhD) for 5 weeks now. One of the main factors in my burnout was that I got hyper-focused on my research to the exclusion of all else including my health so that I ended up severely underweight. Being unable to say no and getting overburdened at work also contributed as did being around people all day possibly.
I have since 'banned myself' from science. Science has been my special interest since age 13 and it has held my life together ever since. I was at first so exhausted that I don't think I had the capacity to engage with science. Now I feel that I am not ready to go back to the lab (and not even sure I can stay in this particular lab as I am not sure it is an environment where I can stay safe) as I am scared I would fall back in the same pattern again as I have not learnt any new coping strategies and still feel so burnt out. I have been so depressed and even more so the past days and find myself crying abundantly and I realised that I am mourning the loss of my special interest (and just generally in utter despair that I simply cannot cope with life)- Has anyone else experienced this?
I thought today, maybe I should let myself/ push myself to read a paper as a low key way of engaging - but it feels too triggering, like it will make me too sad to have a glimpse of the science world I love so much. Also I am not sure it I am still feeling too burnt out for it.
At this point I am just sad, and confused about whether I will ever be able to cope with life and if I need to stay away from science for ever. I am even more confused as i have only recently come to suspect I am autistic and I keep doubting everything including this suspicion- It would make so much sense and would change how I manage the next steps in life... but I cannot access a formal assessment any time soon. I am just so sad that my special interest and main source of comfort, stability and motivation has turned against me, that I have had to ban myself from it and from that world. I am grieving and unsure if I should push myself to engage with it again? but it just feels too painful right now.
I'm in my sixties. Got my diagnosis two years ago.
I'm tired of feeling like dogpoo, tired of being "at the end of every queue", so I've decided to just do what works for me, and those closest to me.
If an activity doesn't make me happy and content, and particularly if it makes me struggle, then as far as I am concerned, it's someone else's task.
Firstly I found that I was very idle & seemingly poor... As I restructured my life to do without the latest mobile phone, (don't worry, someone will always give you their discard, so you do at least have a phone, and someone will always pay giff gaffs 6 quid a month to keep you available f you can't pay it yourself.) Yes, I don't drive my (lovely) car any longer, as after a while without paying for an insurance policy, they start reducing your no-claims bonus and it gets prohibitively expensive, but guess what, once all those regular outgoings fell away and my life simplified, (my partner needs me to drive, so I'm on her policy as a named driver) the sense of loss was gradually replaced by a sense of freedom, and confidence in my ability to decide what is truly worth while in life..
Working hard to be able to afford to meet the expenses incurred in maintaining the lifestyle required to go to work, got all a bit to circular for me. Add a healthy dose of normie oppression, and suddenly my normally achievable hourly rate suggested that my career path enviable though it might seem to others, is not the route to happiness..
YMMV!