What can I do? I can't go on. I don't want to be autistic any more

Sorry to jump in on this exchange but just wanted to say that I will be 34 this month and am also really struggling with issues associated with autism. I feel alone much of the time. So I guess in a sense you aren't alone in your suffering because I share the same sense of loneliness, of not being able to cope and of going through these issues for what seems like such a long time.

Hope you are feeling a little better today.

Hello, Untoward.

I have just read your post.  I see that a few members have already posted supportive comments and practical advice. On a personal note, I have always enjoyed reading your comments and perspectives in this forum. You've brought comfort to me whether you are aware of it or not. That's definitely someone I would choose to be around (compared to some others). 

I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that all of us who post on this forum feel lonely to some degree, which is why we are reaching out on the internet for a connection. By reading so many of the introductory posts, I think it's also fair to say that so many of us also feel as if we have spent our whole lives trying to fit in, and then feel as if it has never worked. I suppose Im trying to say that while you are lonely, you are not alone in feeling the way you do. 

I'll finish by echoing what others have said, it could be that trying to fit in (which is seeking approval from others) is the very thing that is causing you so much distress. Whenever we try to change who we are to suit who we think other people want us to be, we damage our mental health, diminish our self-esteem, and harm our overall well-being. The journey is life is the journey towards learning to be okay with yourself. Eventually, and hopefully before your time expires on earth, you can come to accept that all your perceived faults and all the things you believe you lack are only faults in your thinking about those things. 

The curriculum here in Earth School is preparing us all to take the test of true love. The test of true love measures how much love we feel towards our own being, which in turn is a measure of how much true love we emanate outwards for all beings. As within, so without. 

It's because of evolution. Something similar to a rooster but not quite a rooster mated with something similar to a chicken but not quite a chicken, and then that thing laid an egg which contained a chicken.

I am in my mid-thirties.

I don't think I have made a positive impact on anybody. People use me for my intellectual abilities (such as work) but I am just a tool that they exploit. They don't care about me.

I do want a dog but I worry I won't be able to take care of it. I sometimes struggle to take care of myself.

You need to stop ruminating on the the fact your different and let your body recover from the burnout because your going to add to the burnout and the time for you to recover from it is going to increase. 

You do understand that neuro typical go through burnout just less often, your human and we all experience this. what's important is to remember that its not your fault. its not because you on the spectrum that this is happening to you. Its happening because the entire of humanity is not designed to follow society broken rules. We not suppose to work as much as we are expected, we not suppose to live in tiny homes, we not suppose to be operating the way we have the last several decades. Being autistic we are in tune to this fact and that's why we burnout so much quicker. 

if you are really struggling. take the time to recover from the burnout do not push your self until you have fully recovered and outreach to close family or friends that will not judge and ask them for help, they may not be able to help you themselves but they can help in finding solutions to your problems.

Arae Aryrha it means do not compare yourself with others, Do what only you can do. 

It has now been logically and satisfactorily proven which came first. I can't remember all the deatails of the proof I read, (the question never really bothered me) but the answer is "the egg"!

That was my guess..

I've inadvertantly manged to appear "Awesome" on occasion, I am going to admit. becuase it feels great!

If somewhat a transitory experience, people often soon learn otherwise. The thing is I've used the awesome&awful power of Autism (tm) to analyse those fleeting moments, and come up with a working hypothesis. At the time I was being "Awesome" I was just being myself and running on Autopilot and making decisions based on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ, and not trying to "be my best self". It's a bit sick perhaps that only when trying to emulate someone else can I get validation as a human being, but it works for me. I like that aspect of myself. Women and some men react very positively to that "do something useful and good" aspect of me, and in the case of women, that's also positive in a sexual way.

Once I'd realised that my very upbringing and environment had made me essentially unpleasant around the age of six, I just picked what was at the time the universal embodiment of goodness to try and copy. Although I will reject criticism at my progress in that particular endeavour, inside, I am still unhappy with my progress...

It depends, of course, on how you define "Awesome"! 

Life is the way it is. Some things are unexplainable.

Stop worrying about Chicken-and-Egg issues; which may never resolve. Be the best you there is.

Maybe it was accidental?

Your vote says otherwise... :c)

Untoward said:

I have tried so hard. I have tried so hard to fit in. To behave how I'm supposed to behave.

Have you tried not trying? Consider the possibility that there may be people, maybe less than 0.1% of people. Who’d accept the real you if he was on display. But as you are you’re not attracting their attention because you just blend in.

you know they did some studies of online dating and found being rated a 7 by most people didn’t get people many messages. But being rated 9 or 10 by just a few people got you lots of messages. People are only willing to expend effort to get to know the 9s and 10s so the question is not how you can appear normal. The question is how can you appear awesome even if to just a few people.

Can I ask how old you are untoward?

Can I ask how old you are untoward?

Can’t agree more

You are an autist. I'll bet if you tihink hard, you've saved someone or pulled their fat out of the fire, simply by being yourself.

I'll bet that in amongst the mockery and lack of respect, there are sparks where soemone has noticed your awesomeness and commented on it.

Autism has gifts as well as aggravations, if you look for them.

hey hey

i hope you will be better soon. This is unprecedented time right now. Everybody acts crazy. It takes you out of your comfort zone. And maybe is good thing. Maybe you will find out you are stronger then you think? I hope you do

If you have a cat or dog, talk to them, they will understand you better than people.