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What can I do? I can't go on. I don't want to be autistic any more

Untoward

I have tried so hard. I have tried so hard to fit in. To behave how I'm supposed to behave. Whatever I do, I just am not normal. I don't know how to talk to people. I don't understand people. I don't understand why they like the things they do. I don't know what to say to people. I want to be friends but I don't know how.  I see other people doing what I want to be able to do, but despite my best analytical efforts, it is a mystery that I can't emulate.

I've spent my whole life trying, and I have nothing to show for it. I'm so alone.

I've built up barriers, to protect myself: from other people, and from my own feelings, which I do not understand. I'm so alone, but I don't know how to connect with anyone. I have never managed it ever in my life, not even to my own family.

Today the levee broke. I came home and cried, and once I started I couldn't stop. I'm done. I can't keep on doing this. Is it burnout again? I curled up in a ball crying, unable to stop. That shouldn't happen to an adult. What can you do when you can't cope.

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  • Hello, Untoward.

    I have just read your post.  I see that a few members have already posted supportive comments and practical advice. On a personal note, I have always enjoyed reading your comments and perspectives in this forum. You've brought comfort to me whether you are aware of it or not. That's definitely someone I would choose to be around (compared to some others). 

    I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that all of us who post on this forum feel lonely to some degree, which is why we are reaching out on the internet for a connection. By reading so many of the introductory posts, I think it's also fair to say that so many of us also feel as if we have spent our whole lives trying to fit in, and then feel as if it has never worked. I suppose Im trying to say that while you are lonely, you are not alone in feeling the way you do. 

    I'll finish by echoing what others have said, it could be that trying to fit in (which is seeking approval from others) is the very thing that is causing you so much distress. Whenever we try to change who we are to suit who we think other people want us to be, we damage our mental health, diminish our self-esteem, and harm our overall well-being. The journey is life is the journey towards learning to be okay with yourself. Eventually, and hopefully before your time expires on earth, you can come to accept that all your perceived faults and all the things you believe you lack are only faults in your thinking about those things. 

    The curriculum here in Earth School is preparing us all to take the test of true love. The test of true love measures how much love we feel towards our own being, which in turn is a measure of how much true love we emanate outwards for all beings. As within, so without. 

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  • Hello, Untoward.

    I have just read your post.  I see that a few members have already posted supportive comments and practical advice. On a personal note, I have always enjoyed reading your comments and perspectives in this forum. You've brought comfort to me whether you are aware of it or not. That's definitely someone I would choose to be around (compared to some others). 

    I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that all of us who post on this forum feel lonely to some degree, which is why we are reaching out on the internet for a connection. By reading so many of the introductory posts, I think it's also fair to say that so many of us also feel as if we have spent our whole lives trying to fit in, and then feel as if it has never worked. I suppose Im trying to say that while you are lonely, you are not alone in feeling the way you do. 

    I'll finish by echoing what others have said, it could be that trying to fit in (which is seeking approval from others) is the very thing that is causing you so much distress. Whenever we try to change who we are to suit who we think other people want us to be, we damage our mental health, diminish our self-esteem, and harm our overall well-being. The journey is life is the journey towards learning to be okay with yourself. Eventually, and hopefully before your time expires on earth, you can come to accept that all your perceived faults and all the things you believe you lack are only faults in your thinking about those things. 

    The curriculum here in Earth School is preparing us all to take the test of true love. The test of true love measures how much love we feel towards our own being, which in turn is a measure of how much true love we emanate outwards for all beings. As within, so without. 

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