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What can I do? I can't go on. I don't want to be autistic any more

Untoward

I have tried so hard. I have tried so hard to fit in. To behave how I'm supposed to behave. Whatever I do, I just am not normal. I don't know how to talk to people. I don't understand people. I don't understand why they like the things they do. I don't know what to say to people. I want to be friends but I don't know how.  I see other people doing what I want to be able to do, but despite my best analytical efforts, it is a mystery that I can't emulate.

I've spent my whole life trying, and I have nothing to show for it. I'm so alone.

I've built up barriers, to protect myself: from other people, and from my own feelings, which I do not understand. I'm so alone, but I don't know how to connect with anyone. I have never managed it ever in my life, not even to my own family.

Today the levee broke. I came home and cried, and once I started I couldn't stop. I'm done. I can't keep on doing this. Is it burnout again? I curled up in a ball crying, unable to stop. That shouldn't happen to an adult. What can you do when you can't cope.

Parents
  • Untoward said:
    I have tried so hard. I have tried so hard to fit in. To behave how I'm supposed to behave.

    Have you tried not trying? Consider the possibility that there may be people, maybe less than 0.1% of people. Who’d accept the real you if he was on display. But as you are you’re not attracting their attention because you just blend in.

    you know they did some studies of online dating and found being rated a 7 by most people didn’t get people many messages. But being rated 9 or 10 by just a few people got you lots of messages. People are only willing to expend effort to get to know the 9s and 10s so the question is not how you can appear normal. The question is how can you appear awesome even if to just a few people.

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  • Untoward said:
    I have tried so hard. I have tried so hard to fit in. To behave how I'm supposed to behave.

    Have you tried not trying? Consider the possibility that there may be people, maybe less than 0.1% of people. Who’d accept the real you if he was on display. But as you are you’re not attracting their attention because you just blend in.

    you know they did some studies of online dating and found being rated a 7 by most people didn’t get people many messages. But being rated 9 or 10 by just a few people got you lots of messages. People are only willing to expend effort to get to know the 9s and 10s so the question is not how you can appear normal. The question is how can you appear awesome even if to just a few people.

Children
  • in reply to Peter

    I've inadvertantly manged to appear "Awesome" on occasion, I am going to admit. becuase it feels great!

    If somewhat a transitory experience, people often soon learn otherwise. The thing is I've used the awesome&awful power of Autism (tm) to analyse those fleeting moments, and come up with a working hypothesis. At the time I was being "Awesome" I was just being myself and running on Autopilot and making decisions based on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ, and not trying to "be my best self". It's a bit sick perhaps that only when trying to emulate someone else can I get validation as a human being, but it works for me. I like that aspect of myself. Women and some men react very positively to that "do something useful and good" aspect of me, and in the case of women, that's also positive in a sexual way.

    Once I'd realised that my very upbringing and environment had made me essentially unpleasant around the age of six, I just picked what was at the time the universal embodiment of goodness to try and copy. Although I will reject criticism at my progress in that particular endeavour, inside, I am still unhappy with my progress...

    It depends, of course, on how you define "Awesome"!