Depressed beyond belief

I have come to realise that autism and depression are linked. Not because they’re one in the same, but because the experience and response of the ‘world’ to one (autism) can lead us to the other (depression).

In my case this manifested as a result of a number of factors:

• The unpredictable and negatively explosive reactions by volatile neurotypicals to my interaction with them in any given situation. Though the work environment is the most damaging. It always seems unprovoked, so there is no predictable way to avoid this. No reactive coping mechanism. No shield you can be armed with. This is debilitating and thus depressing (or at least it used to be)
• A difficulty coping with my sense of being over whelmed by the many requirements of day to day life that many neurotypicals seem to take in their stride. It just feels like there is more to do than I can ever have time to achieve, and life seems to dump an unequal amount of crap on me at once.
• An intolerance by those around me for my differences. People who, more often than not, are the first to pride themselves on lecturing others on the importance of tolerance, empathy and morality. This sends the message that you are not on that list and are in fact an inferior to them.
• The sense that there is no outside help or understanding for our differences. Only intolerance and anger. We are to be cured, pitied or shouted at for being different/inferior.

All of these things would inevitably lead anyone to feel depressed, and for a long time I was. This was pre-diagnosis so I didn’t even have an understanding of why.

Autistics process everything, in detail. We do not have the ‘luxury’ of being oblivious to the crap piling up on our lives as neurotypicals do. This, I believe, is another reason why we are more prone to bouts of depression.

But, autistic people are logical, smart and focussed. All the tools you need to solve any problem, and that’s what depression is.

The first thing I did was assess my life for any true adversity. Things that were truly worth being depressed over.

Was I sick?

Was I poor/unemployed?

Was I unsafe?

Was I hungry/thirsty?

Was I homeless?

They were all a solid ’no!’

So things weren’t that bad.

The bottom line is that others didn’t understand me, didn’t care for me and were openly unpleasant and unaccommodating.

So I stopped caring, stopped worrying about what they thought, said or did. I stopped acting like a victim and started acting like a scholar. Adverse events became learning opportunities and I found myself deliberately triggering them sometimes in order to learn more.

I decided what I wanted to achieve in life and though I have to do it mostly alone, I realise I prefer it that way.

This change in narrative (victim to scholar. Inferior to equal) has removed most of the depression and made me stronger and more able.

We all get a small amount of depression, when life piles up the crap on top of us, but we are smart enough to prioritise and work our way out of it.

I hope my experiences help in some small way.

You are stronger than you think and more valuable than they are.

I have come to realise that autism and depression are linked. Not because they’re one in the same, but because the experience and response of the ‘world’ to one (autism) can lead us to the other (depression).

In my case this manifested as a result of a number of factors:

• The unpredictable and negatively explosive reactions by volatile neurotypicals to my interaction with them in any given situation. Though the work environment is the most damaging. It always seems unprovoked, so there is no predictable way to avoid this. No reactive coping mechanism. No shield you can be armed with. This is debilitating and thus depressing (or at least it used to be)
• A difficulty coping with my sense of being over whelmed by the many requirements of day to day life that many neurotypicals seem to take in their stride. It just feels like there is more to do than I can ever have time to achieve, and life seems to dump an unequal amount of crap on me at once.
• An intolerance by those around me for my differences. People who, more often than not, are the first to pride themselves on lecturing others on the importance of tolerance, empathy and morality. This sends the message that you are not on that list and are in fact an inferior to them.
• The sense that there is no outside help or understanding for our differences. Only intolerance and anger. We are to be cured, pitied or shouted at for being different/inferior.

All of these things would inevitably lead anyone to feel depressed, and for a long time I was. This was pre-diagnosis so I didn’t even have an understanding of why.

Autistics process everything, in detail. We do not have the ‘luxury’ of being oblivious to the crap piling up on our lives as neurotypicals do. This, I believe, is another reason why we are more prone to bouts of depression.

But, autistic people are logical, smart and focussed. All the tools you need to solve any problem, and that’s what depression is.

The first thing I did was assess my life for any true adversity. Things that were truly worth being depressed over.

Was I sick?

Was I poor/unemployed?

Was I unsafe?

Was I hungry/thirsty?

Was I homeless?

They were all a solid ’no!’

So things weren’t that bad.

The bottom line is that others didn’t understand me, didn’t care for me and were openly unpleasant and unaccommodating.

So I stopped caring, stopped worrying about what they thought, said or did. I stopped acting like a victim and started acting like a scholar. Adverse events became learning opportunities and I found myself deliberately triggering them sometimes in order to learn more.

I decided what I wanted to achieve in life and though I have to do it mostly alone, I realise I prefer it that way.

This change in narrative (victim to scholar. Inferior to equal) has removed most of the depression and made me stronger and more able.

We all get a small amount of depression, when life piles up the crap on top of us, but we are smart enough to prioritise and work our way out of it.

I hope my experiences help in some small way.

You are stronger than you think and more valuable than they are.