Depression?

I’ve got some questions, maybe someone’s got the answers.

I’ve tried to improve my mood. First by taking st.john’s wort and when it didn’t work I tried 5-htp. It didn’t work. Maybe the dose was too low, maybe I should double/triple it. 

I have generally low mood (but some days better, some days worse) and I have an anxiety. Anxiety is ruining my life.

It’s not a new issue and I’ve tried CBT and counselling which didn’t help. 

NHS CBT was completely useless.

Recently I’ve talked to someone about suicide and they said that it would be worth if I talk to GP and take some medication. 

But I’m not sure. 

I’m not at imminent risk. I know I might kill myself in the future but I’m not going to do it yet. It’s just an option if the life is too much. 

I’ve chosen the method and the thought is comforting. 

The thought that I’ve got the way out and that I’m prepared.

But I’m not going to kill myself yet. 

I have small children and I’m not going to cause trauma to my children. They are not ready to deal with that.

I’ve been having recurring suicidal thoughts for years.

I’ve never mentioned them in therapy because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and I was afraid how they might react.

And now to my questions.

Should I go to GP? 

Will they tell anyone? 

Are they going to make a big deal out of it? 

Or maybe ignore me? 

Maybe it’s not worth mentioning at all? 

Will I be sent to CBT again? 

Offered medication? 

Can I choose medication or therapy? 

What about side effects of medication?

I’m worried about side effects.