Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, this is my first post but I really need help. My daughter is 14 and we've always believed that she was on the spectrum but as she was high functioning and just a little 'quirky' we never realised any benefits to getting a diagnosis. The in June 2016 life started getting really tricky for her. It's a long story and it has been awful. She remains wonderful, gentle and kind a truly gorgeous person but she has suffered terrible problems since entering High School, bullying, loneliness, she was encouraged to kill herself by a 'friend' in messages. We've had police involvement, arguments with school, CAHMS and the education psychologist. They said I had a problem and needed anger management but people were still refusing to do anything because her grades were too high and she hides it so well in public but at home the anxiety was slowly killing her. My baby has now had a breakdown, she's not been in school since June, she can't dress or feed herself, she's completely crippled by anxiety and terrified by even her own sneeze. She's now medicated and not responding on a cocktail of Sertraline, Loraxepam and Resperidone. She has always suffered terrible separation anxiety when away from me and home sickness when we're away together. We've stuck to the same holiday destination for 8 years because she's comfortable there. We've always adapted to her and she's best when she's with me. There is now a lot of pressure to admit her to a specialist unit where they can be more experimental with drugs and offer intensive counselling (she's never responded to counselling in the past). I'm refusing to let her go, I'll do whatever it takes to look after her, I'll take her to day patient appointments, I'll nurse her I'll chop my arm off if it helps but they want her in for an initial 6-8 weeks assessment period when they'll then tell me how long they want to keep her. My gut tells me it would kill her and be the worse thing for her. How would she ever forgive me or me myself. My husband is starting to come round to their way of thinking. School is the issue and I'd happily home school but he doesn't agree. I need some honest advice, am I being unreasonable? Would the best thing to be to let her go? She's not responding to drugs so far. She barely speaks and simply answers 'don't know' to everything. CAHMS says she has strong autistic traits but they're not able to diagnose so they're just treating the anxiety.
Any advice?
Thank you
Well, you've had some comprehensive advice and support from others on this site.
My main concern is why is she on so much chemical medication. Could it be making her worse.
I think you are very protective of her and I admire that. But the professionals dealing with her will have her well being as the priority, not your opinions.
As for sending her to an specialist unit, try to find out more about this unit before making a decision. Where is it? Can you visit her during the assessment period? Can you legally bring her home against the unit wishes?
Whatever happens. Keep us informed.
Thank you, I do appreciate that they have her best interest at heart, that’s why I asked for honest advice because I recognise I’m too close to her to be objective and my devastation at the thought of letting her go away might be stopping me from doing the right thing. Asking for advice and being prepared to take it on board is the hardest thing I’ve done so far. It’s hard following professions blindly sometimes, when their advice is against your instincts. I’ve never been one to follow the crowd or hand over responsibility for my actions to others but I hope I am always logical and reasonable even when it’s such an emotive subject. One day I’m going to have to look her in the eye and justify my decisions, because either way there’s no easy route. I am going to visit the unit. Visiting would be limited. The only words she says repeatedly is ‘I love you my mummy’. I have asked the question about my rights as a parent once admitted but no-one seems to be able to give me a straight answer.
i will keep in touch, everyone has been very kind with their time and advice. Thank you
Personally I would send her to this special unit. However, I keep thinking of the film 'what kind of mother are you?'. Where a mother agrees that her daughter spends the night in a unit. One thing leads to another and she spends weeks trying to get her daughter out of the system and home.
If your daughter isn't a danger to herself or others and CAMHS are offering a certain level of support then I am surprised they are offering inpatient care (we don't tend to get that in our area unless there is a real safety issue). They won't be able to say what parental rights you will have as she will no doubt be admitted as 'informal' but if she doesn't comply by taking the medication/her presentation becomes more serious (in a safety sense) then they have the option of sectioning her. If she is sectioned then they have the ability to keep her for treatment against her wishes. Have a good look at the size of the unit, whether it is single sex or mixed, the age range of children, how they present (hard to tell in the short time you are there but you'll get a feeling for it). Ask if children are allowed to use the phone when they want, what can they bring from home for their rooms, can they go to their rooms when they want or are they locked out until a certain time, who will help her with her hygiene (when it gets too bad). Names of her team (psychiatrist, psychologist, etc), how often can you meet for updates, do they have monthly CPA meetings. Sorry, lots of questions to ask but you really can't ask too many. Don't be pushed into things because people tell you you're not being objective because you are too close to your daughter - you are your daughters advocate because she can't speak for herself at the moment - you can't 'do the wrong thing' because you have her best interests at heart - keep strong and believe in yourself, don't worry about the 'what if's', do what you feel is right for your baby girl. Sending hugs x