Published on 12, July, 2020
Well here goes, I've never posted on a forum before but am curious to know what people think on this subject ....
I am a 46 year old woman, I guess most people would say functioning quite well in life (decent job, nice partner) but I have a lot of oddities that I have never really put together and it was only really my mum saying "I reckon your grandad was probably autistic" and " you're a lot like him" that made me start thinking .... then some research online and well, there's a lot
- as a kid, didn't like playing with other kids and found being sent to go and play with the other (unknown) children excruciating
- as a kid, obsessive interests, about which I had to know everything. Age 5 it was dinosaurs, age 7 volcanoes. Could have told you the name and location of every active one on the planet
- 2 friends throughout school and not much interest in adding to that, very happy with my own company
- teenage on, feeling like I didn't know how to be a girl properly (still don't). I can copy what others do but my heart is not in it. Always thought it was a gender thing, not being a girly girl, but wonder if it's more than that. My worst nightmare would be having to go on a hen night with 12 giggling girls and try to pretend I knew how to behave.
- I work in IT, I am a coder and a good one. Due to my choice of work, I have worked with several autistic people. Some of them make more sense to me than the other people. Other people don't seem to get them but I do
- And I will rush through the rest, as I am rambling on ..... pathological fear of using the telephone (can't see the person, how am I supposed to know what is going on, resulting in very disjointed and uncomfortable calls), sensitive to loud noise, terrible problems with face blindness (if I saw my neighbour out of context, there's less than 50% chance I would recognise, and if clothing or hair style has changed, less than that), I struggle in large groups, can't focus when everyone is talking at once, prefer to not be around people much, I am a pattern-spotter, photographic memory for numbers, often told I am tactless and say the wrong thing .... then on the other hand I hold down a demanding job, have a good relationship with my lovely man and have still 2 very dear friends
The more I read the more I think my mum might be on to something, but on the other hand I don't know what having that confirmed (or not!) would achieve. Have any of you felt any benefit from having a diagnosis?
There are things that I struggle with, public transport being a big one. The train causes me an enormous amount of stress (too many people, noises, contact with people I don't know) taht I usually arrive at work freaked out/angry. I have had to get off a plane before it took off, because it all became too much and I completely freaked out. Part of me wonders if I could explain (to myself and my boss) why that is, at least people would understand. Maybe?
It would be really interesting to hear others views on this. Have you bothered with a diagnosis? And if you did, did it make any difference?
thanks all
Hello all and thanks so much for the many different answers and perspectives. I still haven't made up my mind about formal diagnosis, but I am thinking that for my own peace of mind, I may well do it. I think it would help me to make some sense of stuff .... although you could say that is happening anyway since I worked this out for myself.
To the folks who replied who are contemplating self-employment, I'd say go for it! I've been a freelance contractor for 20 years and never looked back. It absolves you from a lot of the uncomfortable stuff of permanent employment. No need to struggle to fit in, you'll only be there 6 months. No more having people frowning at your CV and asking awkward questions about why you're always changing jobs. Goodbye to the painful annual exercise in making you feel like a freak that is the "performance review". And best of all, you turn up and someone tells you exactly what they need you to achieve, then leaves you to get on with it. If you do it nicely, they are very happy, because that's all they wanted. It doesn't matter if you're "not a team player" or "awkward", all they care about is can you do that piece of work, and do it well :-)
I had an interesting weekend, attempting to fish for info about how I was as a child. My mother saw straight through this and said she knew why I was asking! My father has told me that I didn't like kids even when I was one; my mother said this is an understatement. She took me to playschool because you are supposed to "socialise" children (like dogs ha ha) and apparently I howled when left there. Every day, from the first to the last. She said I was actually terrified of the other kids, especially the loud ones who ran about screaming. The only time I was calm was when I managed to hide myself in the corner of the room behind a painting easel or some such.
Oddly I was fine with school, she thinks "because there was order and rules and you knew what you were supposed to be doing and when". I didn't apparently ever talk about playing with the other kids at school, because I didn't. I was teachers pet and became an unofficial voluntary classroom assistant in primary school (I could read a small paperback by the time I started school). Play at home she said I didn't really seem to know what to do with some toys and just abandoned them. The only thing I really liked was lego.
I asked her whether anyone ever thought there was anything not quite right at school, and she said no, they just thought you were very bright and any trouble interacting was due to being ahead of my peers. She said she would describe me as a "mathematical" child - her words - and that I would decide on something, then do whatever it was with a great deal of precision. Other kids she'd seen seemed to just bobble around picking up stuff as they went along. All interesting stuff. She would come with me if I go for a diagnosis, because she thinks it would help me.
Thanks again everyone. And thanks for being kind, and non-judgemental. I do take to heart what you've said and maybe I won't tell anyone else, like my boss, in case they treat me differently. Maybe talking to you guys is a better bet!