Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I’m new to the forum. I'm a 20-year-old girl who was diagnosed with Asperger’s nearly five years ago. I'll get straight to the point if that's okay: I'm here because I'm hoping for some help and support. I can't stop reliving the things I went through at school. I would call it bullying; it's the word most other people use, but I don't class it as bullying because I know I deserved it. I have flashbacks which bring me to physical pain, to the point where I exclaim out loud, and sometimes feel checked out from reality. I am often very tearful. I have an eating disorder and I don't want to upset anybody but I have to say I self-harm, too, and that has got quite serious at times, if you know what I mean. I’m on anti-psychotic medication as I have mental health problems associated with the Asperger’s but apart from that and seeing my community psychiatric nurse (CPN) I get very little help. They gave me some group therapy but now that's over there's nothing more they can offer me. They keep telling me to use the skills I learned in the group and though they are good skills which do often help me at times, when the bad memories take over there's not much I can do and I become very lost.
A particular thing that I keep remembering is being shut in a quiet room where I was allowed to go and be by myself (and the reason I was given that room was because I couldn't escape the constant physical and verbal attacks that I got around school, just in corridors going from lesson to lesson or at lunch, and so the staff gave me the room) and a group of boys were waiting at the door and they shut me in and I had no way of running and they threatened me with all sorts of things which I won't go into here in case people find it upsetting. There were times when I was hit, kicked, had my things thrown away and I was threatened a lot, in person and sometimes online. A boy once forced me to do something as a joke and I know it sounds silly because it was a very insignificant thing but that has never left my mind, I keep thinking about it and crying, or getting angry. The other day I found an old photo in a frame of me as a little girl and I kept throwing it at the wall and now it's smashed to bits. Every day from starting school in Reception when I was 4 to when I finished school, I experienced some kind of problem, someone always said or did something. So many things happened I couldn't even begin to really go into it here. There must be something very wrong with me to have had all this things happen. I keep thinking about what a useless person I am and how I don't feel loved and how everyone else has friends who care about them, even people who to be honest aren't very nice people, they still have people on their side, and apart from my family (and even then I know would prefer me neurotypical) everybody hates me and has always hated me. It's making me cry now, thinking about it.
The worst thing is knowing I brought it all on myself. If I'd been better at acting normal, it would never have happened and I'd be happy and living life. I'm kind of despairing and unsure of what to do. Whenever I try to talk about it to my CPN or anyone, they say that I will be fine and I just need to keep "looking after myself" and using the skills I've learned and distracting myself, and that we have all been through bad things but we just need to try and keep our minds off them as much as we can, but I can't seem to take my mind off these memories. It's got worse since leaving Sixth Form two years ago and it's taking over my life. Does anybody know of any place I could turn? To be honest, it would be a comfort just to know I'm not alone.
Hi AngelCake, hope you feel perhaps a little better this morning, and didn't have nightmares or so (I know it's not going away, but the same thing can feel quite different from day to day, and sometimes a little more bearable than on others). Just a thought about that last paragraph. When they say that you'll be alright and you should just look after yourself without anyone actually helping you to do this, try not to interpret into this response that they think it is your fault, or that nothing can be done about it. Maybe they don't quite realise how bad it was and is and how much damage it has caused, maybe they don't know what to suggest and think they are saying something nice and reassuring by saying this, and don't notice that it makes you only more desperate. And ASD does also not help with either of those, both ways really. You may misunderstand the intention behind their comments and they may misunderstand you, perhaps your appearance doesn't quite show to them how you feel, or they may think you are just having an aspie moment. I really hope you can find someone who listens to you properly, to start with just to give you a little more confidence that you deserve help in dealing with this, but eventually to get that help. If Spotty is right (pretty likely, I guess) then that's something most people will need help with and many are ashamed of that fact - please try not to be, or if you are and can't get this feeling out of your head, try keeping in mind that it's also a result of being treated badly and the fact that you have that feeling doesn't mean it's a justified one.