Published on 12, July, 2020
My son from a previous marriage (Drew) has Aspergers. He is high functioning. And I am a registered nurse. Drew is now 11 and I have busted my butt to have him overcome his "differences" and overall he is thriving. He still has issues with organization, staying focused, and his common sense is still a weakness....but overall his school grades are in the top percentages, he plays sports, and learned to make friends. Now comes the tricky part ....my new husband (Brad) has a daughter named Layne who was diagnosed at birth with Chromosomal 2 deletion, which is directly related to autism. Our current list of problems with Layne are the following:
-she is not adjusting to having me and my two kids in her life at all
-her birth mother is now dating a new man and has basically thrown Layne to us because she is more interested in her life at the moment.
-Layne is so angry and cannot express feelings at all. She cries, hits, yells, and then withdraws and won't talk
-she is peeing and stooling on herself when she doesn't get her way
-her anxiety levels and fears are out the roof! Screams and hits in the shower, scared of everyone ....even people she knows, she won't go outside....nothing
-she wants to be the center of the house. Wants all attention on her and when not given she blocks doors from us going in and out of, she lays on the couch in the middle of the family and demands her tv and everyone to comply, she states she hates us. She will push me away if I try to stand next to her dad.
-at night she roams the house and turns on lights all night long
-in the past my new mother in law and brad's ex babied Layne ....they treated her as if she is a baby. Putting on her clothes for her, feeding her, helping her in the bathroom, sleeping next to her at night, they make her the center of attention at all times. Her mother had her in diapers till last year when I potty trained Layne.
(I also have worked on making Layne less dependent because they are crippling her! And Layne is 7 years old. I have gotten her to now take turns in conversations, eat with a fork, go to the restroom alone and wipe, put on her seatbelt in the car, order things at restaurants for herself, she now dresses herself and picks out what she wants to wear, she cleans up after herself now, and she washes herself as well now.)
-brad and I are workers. We make the entire family as one and we do not allow any one person to rule the house. We are all equal and we all matter is our top priority.
-brad and I have a very good team effort on life. Support for each other is 100% right on
With my son I never labeled him as aspergers....I labeled my kid as he was gunna be a smart one but lack socially. Him and I worked on his "differences" from the norm as he grew up and he overcame....I did not baby him. Never made him the center. Life outside our home is not easy and I am preparing him to survive it!
So how do Brad and I do this with Layne?
It sounds to me as though you actually know what you are doing and you have done a lot of the right things with your own son. Your comment about L's mum being more interested in her own life is "interesting". Her self interest may be normal or it may suggest that she is also on the spectrum - you may have to deal with her as though she is also affected and that may change how you deal with her.
You may not be aware that the NAS is a British organisation. We may therefore not be able to help as much as an american forum.
thanks for the compliment on drew....just figured to raise him as any other kiddo but I had to add a few different things and ques for him along the way so he stayed steady.
As for Layne....we are at a loss. We are meeting with a neurologist next week and then asking to get a referral for a behavioralist. Her overall health and personality is almost 100% different from last year. She went from happy, eating, laughing, controlled, yeh she had moments but she was controlled....today we have a child that is scared of everything! Water, people, food....she won't hardly eat, she cries all the time, wants to be alone always, there are times she won't even talk to you. And the worst part she is angry and there are times she plans and acts on bad behavior knowing it will upset us. I know kids do that when they are angry bc they want you angry too. But we try hard to not give attention to the bad behavior bc she does it more. And man....hard. Hard to know a child wants to upset you. And yet you are trying to help her but we right now don't know how really.
This is why I reached to an online support group.
A sudden behaviour change in a child may be due to
a) abuse or conflict or a change in the way that she is treated. Has someone had a quiet word with her to ask if someone (or something) has upset her or is mis-treating her?
b) change of diet or medication. Food intolerances are very common in people with autism. There are elimination diets that can be used to identify food intolerances that may be upsetting her. Basic questions here are whether she is regular or constipated? Is she a fussy eater - sometimes there is a real reason behind the fussiness. Does she have a sensible diet? - some autistic children have dangerous diets such as just drinking coke.
c) the accumulation of stress due to not being able to communicate well. If one is continually unable to make oneself understood then this can lead to all sorts of mental health issues.
Thanks for all of your responses. It's appreciated. Brad and I are going to see what the neurologist and behavioralist will have to say. You are right....it's a lot of change and things that all happened to Layne in one year. Brad and I wish we could just have Layne to raise.
its nice to be able to talk to this group. Maybe after the appts we can have more of a root of her change.
With so many things going on it is difficult to identify what the cause of her current issues are. I guess that a neurologist of psychiatrist may have views. The upheaval with her mother and new bf, the changes in living arrangements may be enough to actually traumatise a child. An autistic child will be even more sensitive to this sort of change so I would think that is likely that she might be pathologically traumatised. So, I wonder if PTSD might be something to look into - this is a treatable condition rather than a permanent injury. Equally going onto meds and then coming off them might disturb someone in a significant way. I don't know if there are drugs that have a persistent affect after they have not been used for a while. Then there are secondary effects. If her diet has changed because of the trauma then her body may be upset by lack of food or by having different foods. I don't know how this sort of complex situation can be unpicked. I wonder if she would be better off just walking away from her mother if the mother is not bothered and good for her.
This sort of story makes one's heart go out to the poor soul who is simply on the receiving end of what, for her, will be enough to ruin her life forever if it isn't dealt with correctly now.