Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I'm Jess and I'm 16. A few months ago I found out I have ASD, aspergers. It makes sense because I've always been worried about social things and preferred to be on my own and got very stressed over social rules. I was advised to slowly when I was ready to start to tell people. So I did. And my close friend took it well, and said she was there for me. But then she made me feel completely isolated and told me I kept harassing her and stalking her( I really didn't I didn't contact her at all out of school) and she laughed and me being autistic and called me an autistic mess and that I was a stalker. And I am devastate and don't know what to think. I don't think I can forgive her, is it ok not to forgive? And now I'm worried about what it will be like when we are in school and I can't enjoy my summer because I'm worried about who I will sit with for lunch. I know it sounds silly but this is a huge deal for me x
Hi Jess, no, it's not silly at all, it seems totally understandable that you are devastated by this. Guess some people may say someone who behaves like this wasn't worth having as a friend, but it doesn't really help, it will not even feel true given that you presumably had lots of good times with her before. And at 16 we don't change friends constantly in the way we may do at the age of 6, when people get older they often seem to forget about this and recommend not to worry about it as if it didn't really matter much. Think something like this would be very upsetting to many people, Aspie or not, all those that have a few close friends rather than lots not very close ones. No idea why she did this to you (maybe some boys thing and it came as a handy excuse when she didn't want to have you there or something of that sort?) and I think it is o.k. not to forgive her if that's how you keep feeling, but perhaps don't make a final decision about this for the time being. She may well realise over the summer that she really hurt you and that this was not what she wanted. If so, it's up to you of course, but we all make mistakes, at any age, but at 16 lots of people aren't exactly grown up, even if they often appear so, not just Aspies.
Did you plan to spend time with her over summer? If so, maybe try to find something proper to do, I mean rather than something you only do to kill the time on your own. Don't know what you like to do, guess I would try to volunteer in an animal shelter or something of that sort, or do some arty class they sometimes offer for not too much money. Something to think back later and see it as having done something good rather than forever remembering this as the summer when a friendship that was worth a lot to you fell apart and feeling the pain again every time.
Sorry, I can't really think of any solution that will sound like it's reasonably likely to work, as much as I wish I could, but I hope the two of you can either save your friendship or after summer you find someone else who is nice and likes spending some time with you, perhaps someone you did not really notice so far because you had that close friend. People that make good close friends are often not so obvious, so don't exclude that this may happen.
Take care!
Hello jess so sorry to hear what happened to you,I am an older male now but when I was about twelve I found a friend,we did everything together,shared each other's homes often having a meal at my house and then going round to his mums and having another,we were inseparable,many years later at the age of eighteen I went round his house as per usual one evening,after several hours of waiting for him his mum told me he might not be back until late! Apparently he had met a girl. It was a complete shock,no mention of what had happened, I didn't see him again for a few months,he was just not around any more.I tried hanging about with a few of our mates but turns out they weren't my friends at all. I decided to start my own life and met new people. I met a very nice girl who I married and had two beautiful kids with.still together and happy.
My point is I believe some of us expect total loyalty with no room for others from our friends. It could be she doesn't understand what your autism is to you,how it effects you? Maybe she is worried? Perhaps someone she knows has some misguided idea of autism and has told her to be wary of you.
It is perfectly ok not to forgive but as you have asked the question I sense you want to forgive but are hurting to much right now to do so. It really hurt me at the time that I could be dropped so easily. I would just like to give you a big fatherly hug,you sound like a very nice girl who deserves a friend who will support you and accept you for who you are.
Please take care and remember you are indeed a caring young lady who doesn't deserve this right now. Try and forget this and have a good holiday.