Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, my name is Gordon. I'm 44. Last Wednesday I stumbled across the discovery of something I've had my entire life without knowing it. I have Asbergers Syndrome. I've had so many little things that I thought were "just me" until I found out about Asbergers signs and symptoms. Each site I found similar info, worded in different ways. In each case I felt that maybe 80% applied to me. I did two online tests, and scored high on both. I've got a GP's appointment on Friday to get an official professional diagnosis. This will be a formality. I know it's right.
I have only been this certain about something once before. For years I was a smoker and tried various things to quit. I knew when I finally found the right question, and therefore the right answer, that I'd quit for good. I had that eureka moment over 10yrs ago (I've lost count long ago). Had a total of maybe 10 cravings in all that time, never given in to any of them.
This has been like looking in the mirror, and for the first time seeing a separate force there. Under certain stimuli it's taken over from my normal persona (technically it is part of it) to drive certain views, decisions, actions, reactions etc. At least the split personality thing is more clear cut, in terms of one persona doesn't remember the actions taken while being the other, I have always been the one persona, I've just had this other force taking command at times. Things that make sense to that force, don't make sense to the other part of me, leading to more confusion and frustration.
I rarely make eye contact. I can't do small talk. I avoid social situations. I talk in monologues if it's a subject I am interested in. I am obsessed with learning new stuff. When I approach a subject, I get really fixated on it. I get irritated by some distractions that others don't notice. I have a completest view of a new subject. I'm currently binge watching the West Wing, I'm on the last episode of series 6 of 7. It's just the current show. I've never been content stopping at series X when there's more available. Anything narrative driven I want to see in order too.
As I said, these things and more I just thought was part of being me. Yes it is, it's also a force I've been unaware of until now. I am still trying to process this. I've been replaying LOTS of incidents in my past where that force has clearly picked my path. It feels like my entire persona has been de-constructed in the space of about 30mins, and that I'm starting the process of reconstructing it. As far as I understand, there are no cures or medication for Asbergers. It's about being aware of the likely triggers within an environment, and trying to minimise them where possible, then having grounding techniques to do when you recognise you're heading into the red line zone, to hopefully step back, and therefore remain in control. Right now, I'm starting to intentionally break habits I know are related to this; ie things without any real consequence but have some symbolic value in fighting it. I deleted a LOT of unwatched documentaries from my planner, now knowing it's art of the completest thing. I resisted the urge to go find more too.
I don't see this as a bad thing. I notice things others don't. I am very smart. I see lots of potential in this. For me, the hardest thing I'm having is wondering why it's taken so long to discover this about myself. It's like finding out the explanation for your own superpowers, the downside being that it'll take a long time to adjust, and it'll be a lifestyle adjustment to control the negative parts. I'm not even sure "fighting it" is the right term either. Rebuilding myself to play to my strengths, while now being very focussed on where my weaknesses are is probably more accurate.
Stopping smoking is a piece of cake compared to this, At least that is only one obvious habit to break and rebuild. This is a LOT of overlapping habits.
I'm usually a very private person, specially online......but hey, that's also part of it. Joining this forum is one way of symbolically fighting it.
Hi Gordon
The way you have figured out dealing with triggers, recognising "heading into the red zone" etc certainly works for me. I'm female, aged 56 and only found out I was an Aspie around 18 months ago.
Like you I wondered why I had no clue before that "lightbulb moment". After much reading and self assessment, I think it's because my mind hid it from myself, if that makes sense? I think I spent so much time since early childhood studying and mirroring the behaviour of others and masking the real me, that even fooled myself. I was intelligent, had a good sense of humour including an understanding of irony, I could maintain eye contact, I had no learning difficulties (in fact I'm a fast learner), and no significant mental health problems. Wasn't I just like everyone else? Everyone has relationship problems, don't they? (Just look at the divorce rate and the number of punch ups on a Saturday night!) But autism is more nuanced than that, and for some of us it's possible to mask until we get overloaded.
I thought I had empathy too, until I took the EQ (empathy quotient) test and scored quite low. I now understand that I only have emotional empathy, whereas NTs excel at cognitive empathy. I won't go into it now, but you can find plenty of info on the internet about this and other aspects of autism.
Good luck with your journey of self discovery and look after yourself
Pixie
Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? For as long as I can remember, I "can" intentionally mishear or misread something and turn it into a joke. Friday.....not to be confused with a fried egg (granted that's the late Douglas Adams, not me but I struggled to find examples). Through this new lens, I'm now convinced that's my brain seeing or hearing the literal thing, but also knowing that's not right, and this is the way my brain has developed to deal with it. Turn it into a joke, move it aside, then move onto what's actually meant. I now wonder if I wasn't doing that, if I'd be fixated on literal meanings.
I'm also taking to fighting minor battles too, even if it's a psychological "I'm in control" dominance play. I LOVE documentaries. I had LOADS unwatched on my planner. It broke my heart, but I made the choice to delete them all unwatched. Added to that, I resisted the urge to go download more. I still like them. I still plan to watch them. I just want to have the feeling that I am in control of them. I know the completest part of me is drawn to the collection......hence the symbolic victory.
I reckon awareness is the largest thing here, not only in yourself around your own trigger points and how to step back and keep control, but in others who need to be able to know what helps you get back down. I now understand why it's called grounding.