Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, my name is Gordon. I'm 44. Last Wednesday I stumbled across the discovery of something I've had my entire life without knowing it. I have Asbergers Syndrome. I've had so many little things that I thought were "just me" until I found out about Asbergers signs and symptoms. Each site I found similar info, worded in different ways. In each case I felt that maybe 80% applied to me. I did two online tests, and scored high on both. I've got a GP's appointment on Friday to get an official professional diagnosis. This will be a formality. I know it's right.
I have only been this certain about something once before. For years I was a smoker and tried various things to quit. I knew when I finally found the right question, and therefore the right answer, that I'd quit for good. I had that eureka moment over 10yrs ago (I've lost count long ago). Had a total of maybe 10 cravings in all that time, never given in to any of them.
This has been like looking in the mirror, and for the first time seeing a separate force there. Under certain stimuli it's taken over from my normal persona (technically it is part of it) to drive certain views, decisions, actions, reactions etc. At least the split personality thing is more clear cut, in terms of one persona doesn't remember the actions taken while being the other, I have always been the one persona, I've just had this other force taking command at times. Things that make sense to that force, don't make sense to the other part of me, leading to more confusion and frustration.
I rarely make eye contact. I can't do small talk. I avoid social situations. I talk in monologues if it's a subject I am interested in. I am obsessed with learning new stuff. When I approach a subject, I get really fixated on it. I get irritated by some distractions that others don't notice. I have a completest view of a new subject. I'm currently binge watching the West Wing, I'm on the last episode of series 6 of 7. It's just the current show. I've never been content stopping at series X when there's more available. Anything narrative driven I want to see in order too.
As I said, these things and more I just thought was part of being me. Yes it is, it's also a force I've been unaware of until now. I am still trying to process this. I've been replaying LOTS of incidents in my past where that force has clearly picked my path. It feels like my entire persona has been de-constructed in the space of about 30mins, and that I'm starting the process of reconstructing it. As far as I understand, there are no cures or medication for Asbergers. It's about being aware of the likely triggers within an environment, and trying to minimise them where possible, then having grounding techniques to do when you recognise you're heading into the red line zone, to hopefully step back, and therefore remain in control. Right now, I'm starting to intentionally break habits I know are related to this; ie things without any real consequence but have some symbolic value in fighting it. I deleted a LOT of unwatched documentaries from my planner, now knowing it's art of the completest thing. I resisted the urge to go find more too.
I don't see this as a bad thing. I notice things others don't. I am very smart. I see lots of potential in this. For me, the hardest thing I'm having is wondering why it's taken so long to discover this about myself. It's like finding out the explanation for your own superpowers, the downside being that it'll take a long time to adjust, and it'll be a lifestyle adjustment to control the negative parts. I'm not even sure "fighting it" is the right term either. Rebuilding myself to play to my strengths, while now being very focussed on where my weaknesses are is probably more accurate.
Stopping smoking is a piece of cake compared to this, At least that is only one obvious habit to break and rebuild. This is a LOT of overlapping habits.
I'm usually a very private person, specially online......but hey, that's also part of it. Joining this forum is one way of symbolically fighting it.
Hi Gordon
i was diagnosed in May. I'm 46 and I knew for a long time that I was at odds with the world where others seemed to glide through with ease. Being officially diagnosed has not, at the moment, brought any relief or comfort from when I suspected it for myself. I've gone, or still going through, some kind of grieving or bereavement process while my head tries to get to grips with a life time of self criticism for thinking I was thick or stupid. It turns out I have an above average IQ and I'm not thick or stupid I just process information differently. But being told that hasn't really helped me at the moment.
There isn't any support groups in my area and I was officially discharged from the clinic today. I've just got to fend for myself. But there are some good books available and this forum for help. Sorry if this isn't the positive reply you were hoping for, but I suppose we all cope differently to news about our mental state. Hope you do get the positive outcome you'd like. I expect in time things will get better once I've accepted my new identity of being autistic.
Regards, Lee
I think everyone is different. Intellectually I understand the range of reactions people have. For me, an official diagnosis doesn't change anything in how I think of myself. What it does do, is provide evidence to my employer, and in turn being in a stronger position to tweak my work environment. This in turn reduces the red line points at work. It makes that part of my day more pleasant. It let's me concentrate on what I can control in terms of the environment. Grief is a whole other area on top of this. It's also a temporary state that wears off in it's own time. I think of this discovery as a better understanding of how my brain works, which lets me find a path forward that I wouldn't have found before.