looking for a ray of hope

By the sounds of it you really, really, need to think about your own health here, & the health of your child.

Your will undoubtedly be picking up on the behaviour he is seeing in the house, & it will affect his future relationships etc. 

As for your husband, is it possible that he is also experiencing severe depression? From what you describe it sounds as though he's shutting himself off from anything & everything around him. He's using things like video games as a form of escapism, but from what? Could it be sensory issues? Mental health issues?

I was diagnosed early this year, & many many years ago, before the ASD was discovered, I was diagnosed with severe depression. Since then through the years I would tend to 'flip flop' with depression, having suicidal thoughts etc, seemingly at random times through the year (especially in stressful times too). I always put it down to me 'relapsing' back into depression... But then after a while (few days, maybe a week or so later) I would feel absolutely fine again.
Turns out, these are just some of my extreme meltdowns, it screws with my mental health something chronic, & I tend to have what is known as 'inward meltdowns'.
You know how some autistic children will have their outbursts, lash out, screech etc when they have a meltdown? It's that, but on the inside. I basically just completely shut down, & damn I can also get incredibly angry during those times. 

Have you talked to your husband & son about these things? What their triggers could be, how it makes them feel, what they could do to help themselves in those situations & how the people around them could help etc. 
I've also got a reputation as being a 'dragon', or even a 'demon' with my kids, due to my stoic & sometimes angry nature (they say it lovingly of course, we're a family that's into horror, the dark & macabre, so to me those are some pretty awesome nicknames haha). I read once that people on the spectrum tend to be known as 'always angry' in some cases, I think this is due to sensory problems or information overload on their part (which really can be non stop in some cases), so they tend to get snappy.

Also; one way to get me wound up, is to interupt my train of thought. When I think about stuff; I think about them hard & put a lot of effort into keeping up with my rapid train of thought, even if I'm planning out my routine in my head... Or planning how I'm going to go about cleaning the house, what order, what I need to use etc. Even if I'm playing computer games... 
I've had to explain to my family when they've interupted me to just give me a minute (I'll admit; sometimes in a bit of a snappy way, I don't do it deliberately, sometimes it's just an impulse), or sometimes I will just physically remove myself from the room if I know I need to really concentrate on something, such as work related things or if I need to talk to someone on the phone etc. Maybe this is why your husband gets angry when you interupt his gaming.

Let me just say; I am not excusing your husbands behaviour here. It's clearly obvious that something is terribly wrong, & he is not bothering to take the initiative to sort it out! The fact that his actions are having such a negative impact on you & your son is more than enough reason for him to get off his backside & work towards understanding himself, his actions, your needs etc & to try to get them fixed! So I do understand your plight & why you're so terribly fed up with your situation, I'm just trying to think from all sides here & trying to think of what could possibly be causing it, & how it could possibly be helped.

The not being outwardly affectionate thing. That tends to come part & parcel of being on the spectrum. Some can be overly affectionate, some not at all.

Despite being female; I am definitely the latter. I hate hugs, I actually find them to be rather 'suffocating'. Also a good way to get yourself threatened with a punch in the teeth is to touch me; in ANY way without my permission (accidental is fine of course, I'm not that much of a thug haha... although many years ago I did burn a mans palm with his own cigarette because he thought it would be funny to slap my backside).
Although I'm not one for showing outward affection, I do actually make a concious effort to hug my kids & partner, tell them I love them etc. I do love them with all my heart & I work my butt of for them, but I'm not one to do all that outward affection stuff, it's more like just a motor control thing, doing it because I know they need it for reassurance etc. Of course, I do enjoy hugging my family & on the rare occassion I do need a cuddle (I may be on the spectrum, but I am still human), but I don't need to do it all the time for my own benefit, most of the time it's mainly for my families benefit & for their feelings. 
Many years ago my partner even complained that I didn't show him enough physical attention, so I made sure to deliberately start doing this to make sure he was happy.... But I didn't know how much was too much/too little, so he eventually whined that I was doing it too much haha, I was just kinda standing there like 'I don't know how to do this stuff!' like some emotionally constipated twit, you just can't win.

Either way; this is what your husband needs to start doing. HE may not NEED hugs etc to show affection, but you do, so he should be making a compromise in those situations.
Saying that; there are also times where I do have to tell my partner/ kids that I really just, can't, hug or kiss or anything at that moment, because of sensory problems, so that does need to be taken into consideration from time to time.

You mention your husband games a lot. So do I, been gaming since I was 5. A great way to get someone on the spectrums attention? Show an interest in their interest. Seriously. Nothing gets me giddy more than someone who actually engages in conversation with a subject I'm fascinated with... & it's also a good way to get me to never shut up about it for a good few hours, so you may have to prepare yourself for that haha.

Maybe test the waters by asking him questions about the games he likes; you can involve your son too, all kids enjoy video games. Maybe try & play some co-op games with him, try engaging deeply with his interests & see where that gets you. 
Try talking to him & tell him you're worried because he seems really depressed & you want to help him feel better, for his sake as well as the sake of the family.

As far as him seeking attention from other women; that definitely needs to be addressed.

Have you tried seeking help from a councellor who specialises in autistic behaviour? Or maybe gone to the GP about getting your husband referred to an autism specialist to see if they can pin point exactly what is going on?


Either way, I'll be keeping my fingers & everything else crossed for you guys. I sincerely hope things work out for you guys & you find happiness, regardless of what the outcome may be. Keep your chin up. You're a great & loving mum & partner, don't you dare ever feel bad about yourself, you're doing an awesome job, & make sure you look after yourself as much as you can! :)

By the sounds of it you really, really, need to think about your own health here, & the health of your child.

Your will undoubtedly be picking up on the behaviour he is seeing in the house, & it will affect his future relationships etc. 

As for your husband, is it possible that he is also experiencing severe depression? From what you describe it sounds as though he's shutting himself off from anything & everything around him. He's using things like video games as a form of escapism, but from what? Could it be sensory issues? Mental health issues?

I was diagnosed early this year, & many many years ago, before the ASD was discovered, I was diagnosed with severe depression. Since then through the years I would tend to 'flip flop' with depression, having suicidal thoughts etc, seemingly at random times through the year (especially in stressful times too). I always put it down to me 'relapsing' back into depression... But then after a while (few days, maybe a week or so later) I would feel absolutely fine again.
Turns out, these are just some of my extreme meltdowns, it screws with my mental health something chronic, & I tend to have what is known as 'inward meltdowns'.
You know how some autistic children will have their outbursts, lash out, screech etc when they have a meltdown? It's that, but on the inside. I basically just completely shut down, & damn I can also get incredibly angry during those times. 

Have you talked to your husband & son about these things? What their triggers could be, how it makes them feel, what they could do to help themselves in those situations & how the people around them could help etc. 
I've also got a reputation as being a 'dragon', or even a 'demon' with my kids, due to my stoic & sometimes angry nature (they say it lovingly of course, we're a family that's into horror, the dark & macabre, so to me those are some pretty awesome nicknames haha). I read once that people on the spectrum tend to be known as 'always angry' in some cases, I think this is due to sensory problems or information overload on their part (which really can be non stop in some cases), so they tend to get snappy.

Also; one way to get me wound up, is to interupt my train of thought. When I think about stuff; I think about them hard & put a lot of effort into keeping up with my rapid train of thought, even if I'm planning out my routine in my head... Or planning how I'm going to go about cleaning the house, what order, what I need to use etc. Even if I'm playing computer games... 
I've had to explain to my family when they've interupted me to just give me a minute (I'll admit; sometimes in a bit of a snappy way, I don't do it deliberately, sometimes it's just an impulse), or sometimes I will just physically remove myself from the room if I know I need to really concentrate on something, such as work related things or if I need to talk to someone on the phone etc. Maybe this is why your husband gets angry when you interupt his gaming.

Let me just say; I am not excusing your husbands behaviour here. It's clearly obvious that something is terribly wrong, & he is not bothering to take the initiative to sort it out! The fact that his actions are having such a negative impact on you & your son is more than enough reason for him to get off his backside & work towards understanding himself, his actions, your needs etc & to try to get them fixed! So I do understand your plight & why you're so terribly fed up with your situation, I'm just trying to think from all sides here & trying to think of what could possibly be causing it, & how it could possibly be helped.

The not being outwardly affectionate thing. That tends to come part & parcel of being on the spectrum. Some can be overly affectionate, some not at all.

Despite being female; I am definitely the latter. I hate hugs, I actually find them to be rather 'suffocating'. Also a good way to get yourself threatened with a punch in the teeth is to touch me; in ANY way without my permission (accidental is fine of course, I'm not that much of a thug haha... although many years ago I did burn a mans palm with his own cigarette because he thought it would be funny to slap my backside).
Although I'm not one for showing outward affection, I do actually make a concious effort to hug my kids & partner, tell them I love them etc. I do love them with all my heart & I work my butt of for them, but I'm not one to do all that outward affection stuff, it's more like just a motor control thing, doing it because I know they need it for reassurance etc. Of course, I do enjoy hugging my family & on the rare occassion I do need a cuddle (I may be on the spectrum, but I am still human), but I don't need to do it all the time for my own benefit, most of the time it's mainly for my families benefit & for their feelings. 
Many years ago my partner even complained that I didn't show him enough physical attention, so I made sure to deliberately start doing this to make sure he was happy.... But I didn't know how much was too much/too little, so he eventually whined that I was doing it too much haha, I was just kinda standing there like 'I don't know how to do this stuff!' like some emotionally constipated twit, you just can't win.

Either way; this is what your husband needs to start doing. HE may not NEED hugs etc to show affection, but you do, so he should be making a compromise in those situations.
Saying that; there are also times where I do have to tell my partner/ kids that I really just, can't, hug or kiss or anything at that moment, because of sensory problems, so that does need to be taken into consideration from time to time.

You mention your husband games a lot. So do I, been gaming since I was 5. A great way to get someone on the spectrums attention? Show an interest in their interest. Seriously. Nothing gets me giddy more than someone who actually engages in conversation with a subject I'm fascinated with... & it's also a good way to get me to never shut up about it for a good few hours, so you may have to prepare yourself for that haha.

Maybe test the waters by asking him questions about the games he likes; you can involve your son too, all kids enjoy video games. Maybe try & play some co-op games with him, try engaging deeply with his interests & see where that gets you. 
Try talking to him & tell him you're worried because he seems really depressed & you want to help him feel better, for his sake as well as the sake of the family.

As far as him seeking attention from other women; that definitely needs to be addressed.

Have you tried seeking help from a councellor who specialises in autistic behaviour? Or maybe gone to the GP about getting your husband referred to an autism specialist to see if they can pin point exactly what is going on?


Either way, I'll be keeping my fingers & everything else crossed for you guys. I sincerely hope things work out for you guys & you find happiness, regardless of what the outcome may be. Keep your chin up. You're a great & loving mum & partner, don't you dare ever feel bad about yourself, you're doing an awesome job, & make sure you look after yourself as much as you can! :)