Published on 12, July, 2020
hi all I'm a 37 ur old wife and mother. I have a 10 year old son diagnosed as high functioning autistic with challenging behaviour! he lashes out daily and can be violent and run out the house up the street. he has low self esteem and always thinks negative of himself. I have a 38 year old husband. we have been together for 16 and half years and married for 14 years. he is just going through diognosis of high functioning autism.
the long and short of it my family is falling apart! several times during our relationship I have caught Gareth out chatting inappropriately to women online, some we know and know us as a couple. he's even lied about.being late home from work but been in the pub with another woman until I found out through his massive phone bill. we have no loving relationship at all! and haven't all our relationship! it's got worse and worse the longer were together. we don't even have anything nice to say to each other anymore! he's shut down. to top it off his health has declined to the point he has poor lung function and his airway has partly shut down! he's been retired from work and is now on long term disability. I've had to give up work to care for him. apart from I don't want to anymore. I'm struggling feeling emotionally crushed. the latest time I've found him online was the 8th February this year. I wanted him gone but he agreed he needed help and called relate he's. been going to several sessions but as of the last one I've stopped going! he's not working at anything our councilor is trying to help with. he's also started cbt and that's not helping either! I just don't know what to do? I've had a hard childhood. abused by a family frienday, pushed away from hugs and cuddles by my parents ! bullied for being fat all my life. no self esteem even tried to take my life at 19! I thought I had found a man who.loved.me! we had gone to secondary school together but never looked or talked to each other. a friend told me at 18 he liked me and had done for years. we become quite good friends! he was caring! understanding! he was affectionate! many times held me while I cried over trying to deal with my life. as soon as he moved in he pulled away and has done ever since! at first I thought it was because we were young and needed to grow together and become a bit less shy but he's not even able to be in the same room with me with out being on his phone or asleep. or son is in bits! trying to deal with them both and my long term depression is overwhelming! I'm just so.lost! all I see is the.only way is divorce!! he just doesn't budge to find away!? won't work with me! he growls at me! gets cross and angry. I have no one to talk to as friends don't want to know anymore they don't understand why I'm still fighting. all he wants to do is play on the playstation computer or on his phone! ask him to put it down he gets aggressive. I don't know how much longer I can hold all this mess together? but can't bring myself to walk and break my heart and my sons
In terms of your son's future health is it appropriate to have him seeing his father treating you poorly?
As for you, it sounds like you know you could be happier if there weren't the issues of him being inappropriate with women.
My SO is half way through his ASD diagnosis screening. He's already got a diagnosis of ADHD. His eldest daughter age 20 got a diagnosis of ADHD this year age 20 and younger daughter age 16 has just got a diagnosis of ASD.
My SO was financially, emotionally and physically abused in his marriage. He finally realized it wasn't "just him" when Eldest was 12. Separation and divorce along with co-parenting has been absolute hell as she's continued to create chaos and problems at every turn. Next week SD16 is with us for school holidays and to do routine healthcare. His ex has tried to obstruct this visit despite the fact she's unwilling to take SD16 for routine healthcare herself!
Thing is he's happier, been better able to make good decisions for himself and he's got a great relationship with both girls despite efforts by his ex to alienate them from him and to paint him as an unfit parent in the court.
This is despite having struggled with employment and having lived through major earthquakes (Christchurch, NZ) and the economic consequences of a city badly damaged. We got together in the same city and country only 18 months ago so I know he had to learn to care for himself.
No choice is easy and it's made more difficult when your husband has significant physical health issues as well as a diagnosis. But you got to think of life like an airline depressurisation: put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.