Flunked!

I have always been aware of my need to maintain distance from others - fearful of allowing intimacy because of the imagined complications that might ensue. I have been married for over 40 years - we are still together - just.

My wife has been through all the ravages of my anxiety driven, irrational and avoidant behaviour that have arisen when I am taken out of my comfort zone. I have always used extreme means to try and manage living in a world where I feel alien and am constantly trying to appear that I do belong. I functioned by dependent substance misuse for twenty five years before remaining completely abstinent for the last twenty something years. 

I finally had an assessment about 18 months ago - after two years on a waiting list. This was for my wife's sake - hoping to allow her to feell that she is quite normal and I am in fact the problem that has burdened her for so long. We both know I meet so many of the criteria - I had refused to own this for a long time but I began to hope that a diagnosis would bring relief to us both. 

I believe that I engaged honestly with the assessment process - but I had a nagging fear that my long years of presenting as okay to the world would somehow camouflage the indicators of ASD. Finally after a few weeks of waiting I was deemed  "to have a range of traits consistent but not exclusive to those experienced by people on the autistic spectrum, which clearly impact on you and cause a degree of anxiety for you. However we do not feel that you displayed the breadth of traits expected for a clinical diagnosis of an autism spectrum condition"

I have no sense of relief - rather I feel abandoned - my wife believes that I am so practised in the art of deception that I managed to avoid a diagnosis. I am left without anything that would allow me to feel validated and understood. I know that it is only the opinion of others but I had put so much hope into the notion that somehow having confirmation of ASD would bring an end to the distress and despair that I bring to my wife. 

Is there anyone else in this situation - is there anywhere to go from here?