Devastated by my daughter's diagnosis

Hi CantBelieveIAmHere,

Please try not to be so angry with what people say here, after all many (most in this discussion, I guess) can identify with your daughter to some extent – we were that sort of kids in one way or another. And it’s difficult not to feel somewhat sorry for your daughter who may well be trying hard to be the girl you want but just can’t do it. She’s not trying to wind you up by not being well-behaved. Maybe she is overwhelmed by some situation, maybe she just doesn’t really understand what is expected of her or can’t do it and then gets upset about this? This diagnosis has not changed her, it just tells you why she behaves the way she does.

It’s also difficult not to take it a bit personal because it hurts and it's heartbraking to read how you describe your daughter in such a negative way where the positive things you do mention seem to count rather little. Our parents probably all had expectations we can’t quite live up to but on the other hand we may also have exceeded some of their expectations. Having gone to a ballet class or not makes not that much difference in later life, I’d think, unless you want to do this as a job. If your daughter enjoys it then she should of course go there, but from what I’ve seen of ballet classes it involves a lot of discipline and parents are often very (maybe overly) ambitious. If your daughter struggles every lesson to fit in, does perhaps disturb the lessons and will be told off for that, and doesn’t want to go there, then perhaps this just isn’t the right thing for her. Have you asked her what she would like to do instead when you took her out of those classes? Obviously interests can change very quickly at that age but it may be worth to let her choose something she would at least like to try. She’s also not going to ruin her life by not wanting to wear fashionable clothes – lots of people don’t do this for all sorts of reasons and although they may not end up in the fashion industry they don’t experience any other disadvantages. It’s not all about the look! Your picture of a perfect daughter seems very narrow – perhaps you are rather trying to make her be the girl that you wanted to be yourself but were not? You won’t find people here that tell you how to successfully fight against the way your daughter is. Some will understand why you feel unable to accept it, some less so, but ultimately I think the vast majority will agree that this is the only way forward.

Not behaving the way it’s expected can be a problem, no doubt, but hopefully with having this diagnosis now both you and your daughter can get the support needed and will understand better what it difficult for her about certain situations and learn some strategies to deal with them. She needs someone who stands by her, someone who understands her difficulties, supports and encourages her and makes her feel good about the things she does well. And as her mum the most logical “someone” is you!   

Hi CantBelieveIAmHere,

Please try not to be so angry with what people say here, after all many (most in this discussion, I guess) can identify with your daughter to some extent – we were that sort of kids in one way or another. And it’s difficult not to feel somewhat sorry for your daughter who may well be trying hard to be the girl you want but just can’t do it. She’s not trying to wind you up by not being well-behaved. Maybe she is overwhelmed by some situation, maybe she just doesn’t really understand what is expected of her or can’t do it and then gets upset about this? This diagnosis has not changed her, it just tells you why she behaves the way she does.

It’s also difficult not to take it a bit personal because it hurts and it's heartbraking to read how you describe your daughter in such a negative way where the positive things you do mention seem to count rather little. Our parents probably all had expectations we can’t quite live up to but on the other hand we may also have exceeded some of their expectations. Having gone to a ballet class or not makes not that much difference in later life, I’d think, unless you want to do this as a job. If your daughter enjoys it then she should of course go there, but from what I’ve seen of ballet classes it involves a lot of discipline and parents are often very (maybe overly) ambitious. If your daughter struggles every lesson to fit in, does perhaps disturb the lessons and will be told off for that, and doesn’t want to go there, then perhaps this just isn’t the right thing for her. Have you asked her what she would like to do instead when you took her out of those classes? Obviously interests can change very quickly at that age but it may be worth to let her choose something she would at least like to try. She’s also not going to ruin her life by not wanting to wear fashionable clothes – lots of people don’t do this for all sorts of reasons and although they may not end up in the fashion industry they don’t experience any other disadvantages. It’s not all about the look! Your picture of a perfect daughter seems very narrow – perhaps you are rather trying to make her be the girl that you wanted to be yourself but were not? You won’t find people here that tell you how to successfully fight against the way your daughter is. Some will understand why you feel unable to accept it, some less so, but ultimately I think the vast majority will agree that this is the only way forward.

Not behaving the way it’s expected can be a problem, no doubt, but hopefully with having this diagnosis now both you and your daughter can get the support needed and will understand better what it difficult for her about certain situations and learn some strategies to deal with them. She needs someone who stands by her, someone who understands her difficulties, supports and encourages her and makes her feel good about the things she does well. And as her mum the most logical “someone” is you!