Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I'm new to the forum...I've just got nowhere else to turn. My 9-year-old daughter was diagnosed on Tuesday by CAMHS. To say that I am devastated is an understatement. I feel embarrassed. I have tried over the years to encourage her to go to parties and be social, to take pride in her appearance and play nicely, but she crumbles in social situations, which has been very difficult for us as a family. I do not want her to be an autistic person. I just want my daughter to be like other children...the thought that she is different makes me shudder.
I'm sorry; I was planning to say far more but I just can't.
When you plan a baby this isn't what you expect, is it?
Hi CantBelieveIAmHere, I’m such a daughter too – my mum found out substantially later though and seems sort of glad now because lots of things suddenly make sense. After I told her about this diagnosis (and I only did so because she wanted to know what I had been in that town for) she came up with a whole list of things that were weird, embarrassing, annoying and generally offputting to her and others when I was a child but also now. This really hurts and I feel, just like IWouldRatherBeWriting, bad about having done all this to my parents. It’s not exactly a useful feeling… If you manage to prevent your daughter from getting it that would probably be much better for both of you.
Initially my mum also seemed to think that there should be some therapy now that would turn me into the daughter she always wanted and she seemed angry with me and the UK healthcare when I told her that this is not going to happen. Now, a couple of weeks later things have got better – she has probably still some hopes that I won’t be able to fulfil but she has come to the conclusion that I’m still the same person that is actually pretty good in quite a few things and got somewhere with this, and maybe not liking to go to parties and discos, not caring about looking “pretty” or fitting in and not playing nicely with barbies wasn’t such a bad thing after all. Perhaps with time you can see this diagnosis as a help to understand your daughter and why she is different from other kids (or grownups later). Things you have been struggling with so far may well become less of a problem for you and the rest of the family (and therefore also for your daughter) because you know now why it’s happening and that nobody is to be blamed for it. Constantly trying to change her with no success must be pretty frustrating for both of you – being forced to review your own expectations may actually lead to everyone getting more relaxed and happier as a result. You may also get some useful advice how to manage challenging situations where perhaps your reaction so far was doing the opposite because you simply didn’t know better. Please give it a bit of time, try to see it as an explanation rather than a verdict and as an asset in quite a few ways rather than a general handicap, and make sure your daughter knows that she is the most awesome little girl to you (keep in mind that other kids aren’t all that awesome all the time either, even if their mums can’t stop announcing exactly that on Facebook etc. and equally you are still an awesome mum if you sometimes struggle to cope with the way your daughter behaves).
Perhaps that’s just a language thing but I think you can’t “plan a baby”. You can plan having one but the rest is going to be a surprise. And it would be horrible if all people were the same, wouldn’t it? There will be challenges ahead for both your daughter and you but if you are proud of her (I’m sure there are things to be proud of), accept her the way she is and help her in an understanding way to deal with problems you’ll give her a very good chance to live a happy life.