Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello. I'm new here, so here's my story:
I've felt like an outsider my whole life, never really fit in socially. Only had one good friend from elementary school through college, but then we went different directions and now live in different parts of the world. Haven't had anyone I would call a real friend for very long since then.
I grew up in a home where communication skills were very poor, there was very little discusion of anything. But if somebody wanted something, then there was a debate and whoever shouted the longest and the loudest would win the debate. That's basically how it went.
Around college age, I had a major life change and moved to another country. I got married and now we have 5 kids, the oldest in his mid teens.
I find myself getting absorbed in work, intellectual pursuits, and just plain distractions (on yet another google search, or getting lost in a compulsive E-mail check). I also suffered from compulsive behaviors, which got me into 12-step groups for recovery. That has been very helpful and got me to shift focus from myself to others, but I think in a very limited way than it has for other people I have seen in the groups. Also, being in such a program where people are open and honest with each other, where you can feel "a part of" instead of "apart from," I still feel very much like an outsider.
Through all these years, I have read and re-read all sorts of self-help books on public speaking, interpersonal communication skills, and life management skills, as well as books on improv, but these never made much of a difference.
I started to think of ASD because we were having problems with one of our children. In short, she does a lot of time playing "mommy," talking to herself, and even if there are other kids around, she plays the same way not really relating to them. It reminded me of my mother, with lots of difficult dinner time discussions where she would talk all about her day, mentioning all the littlest of details, and boring everyone else. She talked AT us, not WITH us. I heard that Autism has a whole range, from the stereotype of someone sitting in a corner all day and not talking to anyone, to somewhere which is more of a difficulty communicating.
My wife has especially noticed that, in our family -- especially with our kids -- there isn't a whole lot of emotional connection or warm conversations and considerations that you might hope for, and she is very disappointed about that and terrified at the thought of having any more children who turn out to be so disapointing in that respect.
That has been our struggle for a few years already. It is only recently that I started to be open-minded and willing to admit that perhaps my own social difficulties are the symptoms of ASD. I feel uncomfortable around people and never know the right thing to say. I feel like there is some magic code or script or rulebook of how to socialize effectively which everyone else in the world has but somehow I didn't get a copy of, and I'm desparately searching for it.
I've read a book "Asperger's Syndrome and long-term relationships" which I very much related to, and I appreciated very much because it put the symptoms of ASD, and the issues that may arise in a relationship with someone who has ASD, into a positive light.
I really wish there were in-person support groups for adults with ASD, but in my area the only groups I have found so far are for parents whose kids have ASD. A second best would be a support phone conference group; I tried searching for one but didn't have any luck finding one.
I hope this forum will be helpful, although I am comfortable communicating in writing, and comfortable with computers, so I was hoping for an environment that would help me get beyond the comfort zone with other people who share the same difficulties.
I'd definitely appreciate your responses, especially to hear successes in dealing with these same issues.