New issues in high school

Hi Suzie04

My son is in year 8 at secondary school, and has had numerous problems with bullying, fights, meltdowns at school, toxic relationships with peers etc. He's also been hospitalised twice for his own safety when he's been acting suicidal.

His biggest issue is the social element of school, anything to do with interacting with other kids.  He frustrates and annoys them, and they frustrate and annoy him...  resulting in meltdowns, accusations, fights, and recently a massive deterioration in his behaviour - becoming ever more violent and verbally abusive.

We've recently had a medication increased by CAMHS, and his school have written to them asking them to give him CBT sessions - as CAMHS have pretty much backed off and not offered any help since his diagnosis other than drugs.

The school is looking into ways they can introduce supervision not only in lessons but also in social time, but as ever - funding is the issue.  The school are currently separating him from his peers wherever possible, due to the level and intensity of conflicts.   Without knowing all the background - perhaps it sounds like the school need to do more to tackle the other kids - however unfortunately I know through first hand experience of his interraction with his siblbings that most scenarios will be of his own making - he just wants to be liked and involved which is the heartbreaking thing....  but every attempt he makes results in him being inappropriate and offensive...  We do our best to help him, to explain - and the school I know are doing their best... but it is a struggle every day. We never know what mood he'll return in from school, and I've come to dread 3pm and the inevitable phonecall which will be "what's he been involved with today...."

We've considered collecting from school now evenings are getting lighter and the temptation to socialise after school will increase, and a teacher will drive him home if he's become a danger to himself (suicidal tendancies) - however it is a constant battle to balance being fair to him and letting him grow up, and keeping him safe.

I'd imagine you will go through the same internal confusion and questions...... so you're not alone.  

All you can do is keep on communicating with his school, work with them to understand him and his triggers.

Fight for in school conselling, a parent liason adviser, CAF / TAC meetings - which I know some people criticise as being pointless but we found invaluable in building up our relationship with the pastoral manager and teachers.  Request CBT if he's not already getting support from CAMHS.  School should also hopefully provide some form of nurture facility, where he can go to if overwhelmed.  Schools will also sometimes run a timeout card arrangement so he can excuse himself from lessons if getting overwhelmed.

Above all - keep the communication going with the school... If they're good, they will want to work with you to help him.

We have also considered over the last 3 months whether mainstream is the right type of school for him.  The school itself has a non exclusion policy - but they are at the limit of what they can do.  It may well come to it that we will need to consider a specialised school - but we're not there yet. 

All you can do, is be there for your son - he needs to know that he can talk to you without judgement, and ask advice and guidance which we've found are best delivered in a factual non emotional way, as he gets his back up if he feels like we're criticising.  We're still trying to figure out how to dicipline.... punishments simply don't work, as he just accepts them as part of the routine - to such extent that when he does something wrong, he'll impose the agreed punishment on himself. (School were very surprised that he gave himself detention for something they weren't aware he'd done!!)

Good luck - you're not alone in this, and as long as you never give up trying, you will never be failing him.

Hi Suzie04

My son is in year 8 at secondary school, and has had numerous problems with bullying, fights, meltdowns at school, toxic relationships with peers etc. He's also been hospitalised twice for his own safety when he's been acting suicidal.

His biggest issue is the social element of school, anything to do with interacting with other kids.  He frustrates and annoys them, and they frustrate and annoy him...  resulting in meltdowns, accusations, fights, and recently a massive deterioration in his behaviour - becoming ever more violent and verbally abusive.

We've recently had a medication increased by CAMHS, and his school have written to them asking them to give him CBT sessions - as CAMHS have pretty much backed off and not offered any help since his diagnosis other than drugs.

The school is looking into ways they can introduce supervision not only in lessons but also in social time, but as ever - funding is the issue.  The school are currently separating him from his peers wherever possible, due to the level and intensity of conflicts.   Without knowing all the background - perhaps it sounds like the school need to do more to tackle the other kids - however unfortunately I know through first hand experience of his interraction with his siblbings that most scenarios will be of his own making - he just wants to be liked and involved which is the heartbreaking thing....  but every attempt he makes results in him being inappropriate and offensive...  We do our best to help him, to explain - and the school I know are doing their best... but it is a struggle every day. We never know what mood he'll return in from school, and I've come to dread 3pm and the inevitable phonecall which will be "what's he been involved with today...."

We've considered collecting from school now evenings are getting lighter and the temptation to socialise after school will increase, and a teacher will drive him home if he's become a danger to himself (suicidal tendancies) - however it is a constant battle to balance being fair to him and letting him grow up, and keeping him safe.

I'd imagine you will go through the same internal confusion and questions...... so you're not alone.  

All you can do is keep on communicating with his school, work with them to understand him and his triggers.

Fight for in school conselling, a parent liason adviser, CAF / TAC meetings - which I know some people criticise as being pointless but we found invaluable in building up our relationship with the pastoral manager and teachers.  Request CBT if he's not already getting support from CAMHS.  School should also hopefully provide some form of nurture facility, where he can go to if overwhelmed.  Schools will also sometimes run a timeout card arrangement so he can excuse himself from lessons if getting overwhelmed.

Above all - keep the communication going with the school... If they're good, they will want to work with you to help him.

We have also considered over the last 3 months whether mainstream is the right type of school for him.  The school itself has a non exclusion policy - but they are at the limit of what they can do.  It may well come to it that we will need to consider a specialised school - but we're not there yet. 

All you can do, is be there for your son - he needs to know that he can talk to you without judgement, and ask advice and guidance which we've found are best delivered in a factual non emotional way, as he gets his back up if he feels like we're criticising.  We're still trying to figure out how to dicipline.... punishments simply don't work, as he just accepts them as part of the routine - to such extent that when he does something wrong, he'll impose the agreed punishment on himself. (School were very surprised that he gave himself detention for something they weren't aware he'd done!!)

Good luck - you're not alone in this, and as long as you never give up trying, you will never be failing him.