Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm a 22 year old female that is waiting for her assessment. I was tested for learning difficulties as a child quite extensively, though upon starting school it became apparent I was relatively bright, and my parents (due to the stigma) didn't push any further. I do not yet have an official diagnosis. However, after years of thinking it, I will be shocked if an assessment says otherwise. Because I know there are things not right with me, I've always known that things I do, see or think are not normal. I just kept hoping I'd outgrow these things if I tried hard enough to be like other people.
I know it must be presumptive of me to be joining when I don't have an official diagnosis. But I've always felt separated from the rest of the world despite my best efforts to fit in. It was amazing that my GP took me seriously and is being very supportive. If I do get diagnosed, I think I'll feel a little cheated of how things could have been if I'd received a diagnosis as a child. Because I was seeing psychologists, hearing tests, speech therapy and noted coordination/motor skill issues from the ages of 3-5. They knew something wasn't right with me.
I started regressing at about 15, barely made it through the end of high school, though I left with 4 Highers and secured a place in university. I perked up during the first year, then I started returning to the same destructive cycle, scraping through to my final honours year of study. I took another meltdown in December and withdrew halfway through. And early last month I spoke to my GP about a referral.
Please excuse my rambling paragraphs. I felt that all of this is important in setting out what brought me here. Also, that it is cathartic to finally write all of this to people who may understand.
I'm clumsy, an avid reader that has always lost herself in fictional worlds to escape reality. I enjoy creative writing, though, I struggle writing some body language and dialogue cues. My friends and acquaintances consider me eccentric. I've obsessed over the Romans, Bakumatsu era Japan, Poland and anime shows. I prefer subtitles with everything I watch.
Years ago, I used to do 'science' experiments with various shampoos and toiletries as a child. I once flooded our bathroom in an attempt to make a Cinderella-esque bubbles. Filled up a drawer with water and put flowers 'being a florist'. They rotted and it wasn't pretty. Ah! I have no sense of direction! I talk over people by accident, misjudge if they've stopped. I walk to the side no matter what.
Woops! I've went on far too much and I'm really sorry about that.
Nice to meet you all!
- I, ah, forgot my visible user handle
Welcome! Your story sounds not too dissimilar to mine - I was in and out of services as a kid but nobody wanted to burden me with a label at the time. I was re-referred at 22 and diagnosed at 23, and find accepting the time between suspicions first being raised and finally being diagnosed quite difficult to come to terms with.
For what it's worth, I don't think it's presumptive to join without an official diagnosis. You're looking to share your story and get support for something, and there's no reason why a diagnosis should be necessary for that. After all, even if it happened that you weren't diagnosed (and agreed with that), you have found things difficult enough to want answers for and help with them. And on the other hand, if you are diagnosed later on, you don't suddenly 'become' autistic at the point of diagnosis. (I used to call it schroedinger's developmental disorder, to make sense of the fact I was in a position of not knowing whether I was or wasn't autistic).
Anyway, I hope you find it helpful to share and participate here :)