Published on 12, July, 2020
About This Post
So here I have just tried to outline my journey, thoughts on my joint condition(s) and give you guys an insight into who I am.
This is not a short post. Not in a reading mood? Don't feel you have to read on...
Who I Am
My real name is James and I'm a joint Asperger's / ADD diagnosis. Rather: some of my behaviours are modified by these conditions, I prefer to think of myself as a 'person'.
I am 28 years old, 29 in January - I was privately and fomrally (medically) diagnosed with both conditions on the 19th of March 2013. Getting an adult diagnosis was very difficult and costly, but was certainly one of my better choices in life. Since that time I have been placed on light medication for my ADD and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for my Asperger's / autism.
I come from the era when all these traits and conditions were separated out and do not identify as ASD (though that is the containing umbrella for these terms): I do identify as joint ADD and Asperger's syndrome.
Oh yeah... I've been here before
I came to this forum 6 months ago and left my first post which was non-introductory to help people who share my conditions (or one of them) be more work-confident, you can find that post here if interested (it's a bit of an essay):
How My Conditions Manifest
In me, the conditions of Asperger's (linear and deep thinking) and ADD (impulsive, semi-incendiary velocity of thought) do not average out. I expereince the extremes of both conditions and bounce between them.
This can be particularly troublesome as the frustations of autism are snatched up by ADD which 'does something' with them. Sometimes that's something constructive, other times... not so much.
There are benefits however, one facet of ADD is a little known phenomenon called 'hyper focus'. When I'm really interested in something just try tearing me away from it. When my ADD's hyperfocus aligns with my Asperger's deep, linear thought patterns - not many can work in as much detail as I can (as fast). There are benefits, there are drawbacks - I'm sure all of you know this.
What I Do
I am a successful digital-space (web design, development, data analysis, information harvesting, web benchmarking and digital marketing) employee as well as someone who is taking their first steps into becoming a Sole Trader.
I love my job and would never leave it, this is just my way of branding myself to earn some tasty 'weekend money' which of course (by the time I finish setting it all up) will be fully HMRC compliant. I am an innovator with a semi-entrepenurial mindset whom is also strangely a stickler for processes and methodology (there's my Asperger's side!)
My Journey and What I Have Found to be Successful
I am someone who has found 'real' (private sector, one on one - with a psychiatrist) CBT to be immensely effective. Initially I wasn't a fan as I had some free CBT sessions with a counsellor in a group - totally the wrong setting for CBT. If you're gonna' go that route, do it right!
Although cognitive behavioural therapy has really helped me to progress (despite being immensely uncomfortable, as it also tends to be for neurotypical folk) - I still have issues, traits and (on occasion) outbursts. I'm lucky in that I have a very supportive team at work who are quite happy to put up with my mental-moments (we laugh about them afterwards, which I heavily encourage) as long as I keep producing the goods.
The lesson for me there was that 'work is work' and it's much easier for me to sell myself on my multiple skills and intelligence, than it is to try and 'fake' a charming, charismatic personality. I leave that to the sales guys now - it's what they do!
The Dark Side of CBT
Whilst CBT has many benefits and up-sides, there is a dark side to the treatment which requires rigerous emotional stamina to get through. Before I started CBT, I acted out a lot and misinterpreted the actions of others near-constantly. This ended many relationships (not just romantic ones) as (in fear) I sought to erroneously control and dominate my environment. Sometimes my misenterpretations led to ... hmm how can I put this ... "near cataclysmic" events unfolding. Oh boy.
Once I fully commited to CBT and began changing my habbits, forcing myself to really think things through before exploding - I began to realise that the way I had been acting before was wrong. I had be amoral. I hadn't realised that my actions (or words) were morally wrong as I felt that I was the one who had been attacked, wronged - or slighted. Once this 'veil' was lifted from my eyes, I suddenly felt (and carried) a colossal burden of guilt.
In getting better - we are often given new rocks to drag, frequently appended via wrought iron chain to our ankles. Ankles attacked to legs which (emotionally) are just learning to walk. This is a hard time for anyone, realising the amount of atonement to friends and family which is due. Most often the fact that these people we learn to value dearly don't (want) expect this karmic re-balancing is also pretty tough. What's worse than knowing you have a lot to make up for? being denied the chance to do so (trust me on that one).
Summary: CBT is awesome, but know that your very mind and soul will be tested.
How I Deal with Guilt (New and Old)
My negative moments have dramatically decreased since the 'early days', but I can still be prodded into volatility unde certain circumstances. Let me tell you a little story.
Earlier this week my Dad was badgering me about certain finance related issues. He was honestly like a dog with a bone and couldn't (for some reason) see that my ADD was 'on' and that the infinite layers of detail in which he was speaking - to be blunt, were not being 'absorbed' by my slightly anarchic psyche.
We got into the car to drive to the station having agreed to draw a line under the conversation until i was fully compus-mentus. Although we had made that agreement, once I was strapped in and the car was moving (what a convenient portable jail-cell!) I was again, bombarded. I have spoken with my father about this since and we're on good terms again - yet at the time, my reaction was... what's the verbal-emotive form of nitroglycerin? Well that's what happened, anyway.
I got out of the car and began walking to the ticket machines (on the pedestrian sidewalk) - this is when disaster actually struck. Some "Fool of a Took!" (thanks Tolkien) cycled across a pedestrian crossing to the station (uncoll in and of itself) and straight into moi.
He apologised, but I may have (in no uncertain terms) pushed him agressively away from myself (no balled fists thank you, I am a pacifist) and told him to "F" - off. Okay, I'm with you - not a golden shining moment of mine, but I'm not here to impress you I'm here to be honest and tell a story... Or introduce myself. I forget. Moving on.
Days later I felt very guilty as whilst the man was evidently a cycle-law flouting moron with scant regard for pedestrians who could have killed a baby in a pram - he hadn't known the reasons for my tense mood. He hadn't cycled into me intentionally. He may now be upset due to my explosive reaction. He may no longer cycle to work. If so - I did that, through anger and negativity. This would not do.
I quickly resolved to apolagise to the man - though this was only a half-hearted measure. In all likelihood I will never see this man again. Even if I do, I have issues with facial recognition (I fond it hard to remember names and faces! How unlucky). Unless he were riding the same bike and wearing the same coat, with exactly the same hairstlye, I likely wouldn;t recognise him.
How then to get past this? The answer was strikingly simple:
Stop trying to do what I feel people (or society) want me to do. It's not always possible, and people-pleasing impresses no one.
Instead, separate myself from the individual instance of harm / outburst and recognise that once words are said, they cannot be taken back. Instead - focus on putting good into the world. Maybe I can't make up to this person, what I have said or done - fine.
Try not to do it in the future, but also seek out people who need help and help them. Where the goodness goes in life is not really all that relevant, it doesn't have to be a band-aid to patch up something I damaged or broke. Instead I can try to give, help and mend in life to positively impact the lives of others.
In short: stop trying to focus on amending all the wrongs. Start building some rights.
That is what has brought me here today.
The End
Hopefully you found some parts of this labryntian essay useful.
Oh yes, and...
Succinct is NOT my middle name
Hey Laddie,
Whatever you suffer from, just know that all of us have our flaws (whether they be related to autism or not). Many people suffer from a bit of an emotional black hole, mine pulses on and off which is half the trouble. I have some friends who are much older than myself, some of them claim that their age inhibits their flexibility slightly whilst others seem completely unaffected.
Yes, private CBT has helped me tremendously. That being said, I also wanted to point out in my post that it can be a bit of an emotional struggle and that it may not be for everyone. Certainly though, it's worth a try for most people. I have relatives in the states and over there (in the USA), seeing a 'shrink' isn't even considered weird. It's only here in the UK where we're a bit (emotionally) prude that we struggle with such things.
I'm glad that you seem to be getting psychiatric help already which I personally value highly, talk with your psychiatrist about CBT. See if it could be helpful for you.
Your interpretation is almost correct, but slightly off! I just believe that putting goodness into life and helping others will help me to feel fulfilled and to 'evolve' further. Whether or not those people are more 'disadvantaged' than myself is not relevant, even millionaires have problems! (heck they're some of the least happy people you'll ever meet)
Firstly I wanted to take the time to respond to people on here and help them with their problems. Those people may even be ahead of me in terms of treating, but struggling with one little node of reasoning which I happen to have some answers to (or at least some 'thoughts on'). I'm not looking to 'shed' my autism as it gives me many advanced skills which I could not have succeeded career wise without. Without my Asperger's I probably wouldn't earn half of what I earn now. That being said, if I can round out the edges a little... so much the better!
My personal approach is just going to be every-day life emotional support for those around me. In a situation where someone at work were suffering with a personal problem, instead of thinking "Whoah what a minefield I'm staying out of that, hope they get over it soon so it's not awkward for everyone any-more" - I'll be pushing myself to really listen, engage and provide any insights I can to help the person.
Sometimes our greatest moments of ignorance are in the micro, bot the macro. Sometimes a co-worker being abused by their partner at home or someone suffering from apathetic-depression may be over-looked. There are bigger problems in the world, and you know what? They all get a red carpet and a fan-fare. There are billions invested in solving such things every year. What about everyone else? What about the overlooked?
They are who I want to concentrate on. They also deserve help, even though others may have it work.
No fanfare. No re carpet. Just every-day life charity. It's not exciting but it's needed!