Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello there,
I'm a 19yr-old London girl, and I always knew I'm not like other kids. Just didn't know in what way…
But after a whirlwind of depression, pathetic NHS Mental Health Services and even suicide attempts, I clung onto a hobby of buses which helped me to meet new friends, also autistic (albeit diagnosed - lucky sods!!), which brought me much closer to the answer of this life-long inquiry.
I never looked into people's eyes. Just never had the reflex. Forcing myself to do it is always so unnerving and uncomfortable. I also sucked socially, being predominantly avoidant, and always having few, albeit trusted friends who could stand my madness.
Course I've been bullied and misunderstood. Once in Year 7, I took a seat in a classroom, then out of the blue a boy punches me in the back, growling why am I seating in "his" seat. That made me proper flip out, cry and everything, I lost my will for anything, I dropped some useless papers I held in hand only for the head of the year who arrived to snap at me to pick them up immediately, and so on… My meltdowns got worse since then, but at least that incident made me 'referred' to see the school counsellor from that point. Wonderful woman. She had no formal qualifications in the field of psychology, but She totally beats all those incompetent idiots I got to see ever since. Too bad I'm no longer in secondary school… Even though I know how cruel children can be and that whenever I cried, they found it funny, insensitive little brats.
College (sixth form) was meant to be a fresh start for me, I even insisted not to see the new counsellor they had, which perhaps was a big mistake. But having blurted out that I'm mentally ill, also in Year 7, which alienated most kids from me, I feared the same would happen at the new place, and I tried to act as sane as I could.
Except my trouble overcame all I've been through before when I fell in love with a teacher soon after my 17th birthday. Previously perceiving myself as an insensitive witch incapable of warm feelings, that was a surprise to me. Only I clung on so hard it could've never ended well…
Don't want to go into too much detail, as it's still painful to me. But now, almost 3 years layer, my feelings haven't changed. I love Her and cannot stop it. Yes, my love is a lady teacher, as I happen to be bisexual in case you wondered.
Where are my Parents in all this, you may ask? Well, their favourite thing to do is argue. Usually with each other, but occasionally taking it out on me, too. They also played many unfair, disgusting tricks on me - such as faking cancer or killing my pet fish. It took me years to accept the realisation that they're never going to change - no matter how many times they promise. I always used to be very naive (also very prone to take jokes seriously, a fun fact here), but all this pain I've been through made me harden up. But not before all the hospital visits and self-harm incidents.
Unfortunately my meltdowns, albeit nowadays quite rare, are quite fierce and violent. Punching myself on the head is a classic. Sometimes headbanging the wall or whatever I have in my way. Screaming, slagging myself off and pulling hair can also come in. In those moments all I want to do is to punish myself for what a useless, incompetent fool I am - cause I know I am just that. Sometimes I just can't hold it all within and flip out. Especially if somebody insults or annoys me. I'd say vast majority of meltdowns are caused by my Parents, really. Being accused of something I didn't do, of not being good enough, of doing something wrong - I just explode. And my Parents can't understand this. My Father always called me either mental or spoiled. My Mother always begged me to stop, and often tried to get hold of me, which only got her injured in the process.
Luckily I managed to get a grip with myself to an extent that I found a place to live and moved out. So it's so much more damn peaceful nowadays. Nobody to moan about everything I do, you know?
Still, now that I shared my suspicions with Parents about my likely ASD, they are in complete denial. My Mum tried to tell me it doesn't change anything and if I find the force in myself, I can still do anything. Ugh, does She really think getting a grip is ALL I need to do? However, my Auntie had been much better with all this and even told me my Mum later complained to her that I've made up yet another condition for myself!! Nice stuff to say behind my back!! ):< Yes I've come up for various stuff for myself in the past, but that's just because I was trying to get down to what it is with me! My Father meanwhile smiled and said I must have what he has. Pfft, pathetic - most he has is ADHD and he is very SOCIAL, so totally not. And he later proved he wasn't even listening, as when I repeated in front of both Parents that I have ASD, he said “But you don't have autism”.
Either way, my Parents' blatant ignorance and avoidance of the problem absolutely unnerves me and no wonder no moves were ever made to find out what's up with me.
Oh, and how did I get down to the fact I got ASD, not anything else? Well, I did lot of reading and accused myself of being mental forever, some classics being schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, Asperger's… But I think as I've grown up, I got to analyse this a bit more closely. Plus meeting actual aspies definitely helped big time. Their Mum was one person to suggest I might have autism also, but before I found that out, two other befriended aspies told me I tripped over their “asperadar”. And I only started to observe myself purely under that angle, and must've had an eureka moment eventually, as nothing before matched as closely as this.
You might remember I've mentioned NHS mental health services (those useless twits). I've intially been referred to CAHMS by my college (after certain incidents), but the man who saw me bored me to death, really. Then I turned 18 and was meant to be referred to adult services - guess how long that took them? 360 days, counting from my birthday!!!
Just pathetic, as I could've killed myself 513 times over during that timespan. I dunno how I survived really, either something kept me there or my incompetence in truly hurting myself. Worst I did was drink vanish at that time, or when I punched myself in the face for 1.5h non-stop.
You'd think it got better when I finally got assigned someone in the adult dept? Hahaha no. Out the frying pan into fire: the woman I got judged me by my appearance (I wear lot of black these days) and asked me to be less dramatic (err, that's just the way I talk??). Either way, how could she be so harsh on someone who's barely alive? I quickly became terrified of her and skipped every meeting after the 3rd one, cause I couldn't bear it anymore. The only good thing out of that farce was that I was recommended to a place nearby where a psychiatrist authorised to prescribe antidepressants saw me, and finally receiving them really made a change. After all, I almost demanded them because I knew they could be one of very few things that could help me. Other being the circumstances of my life changing, which is nearly impossible……
Oh, and I've been “diagnosed” with bunch of random personality disorders there. They did write about suspecting autistic spectrum, but that was just one sentence and it was made to look like some secondary, alternative thing. Whether histrionic disorder I *could* agree with, narcissistic was just a pure insult in my face. Seriously, whole my life I've been giving up so much in order to make others happy, I was practically being ‘selfless’ there, and somebody tries to chuck such crap onto me? People who know me would never ever label me as narcissist. I hate myself and think I'm rubbish and never good enough really, so how could I be described as self-absorbed?? Just pathetic man. And it's all government's fault they made mental health services drop down to third country levels! ):< It doesn't matter awareness is currently raised online and in the media if NOTHING's being actually done, eh?
But yeah, I've been one of the system's casualties. They are seriously lucky I've somehow lived till this day. And even though some stuff has stabilised, I got a strange feeling it's only temporary, as wind screen, which will drop eventually and I'll lose all my strength to fight and will fall one day. Cause I know I will.
Blah, I guess my tone throughout hasn't been too optimistic. Sorry guys. Oh, and it's a bit ironic given I keep my autistic (and very impatient) Friend happy by my optimism, rather bizzarely. It's like putting in all the good for others and leaving none for myself. But that's how I am. And I try to be realistic.
What else should you know? I fare best when somebody leaves me a detailed instruction of things to do, step-by-step; best written otherwise I will forget and get lost. I sometimes drift off and lose contact with reality. My memory is interesting - I can remember random crap from 10yrs ago but not be able to recall what I did 3mins ago. I learned to read when I was almost 5, at 5.5 I could read anything. My Mum, encouraged by others, took me to some place where they deemed me smart enough to go to school a year early (that was back in my native Poland) - only I didn't want to xD At first year of college, teachers reported my way of communication is different to other students and that I can't really tell if a conversation is coming to an end or if what I say is even relevant. Yah; I often find myself, when talking to other people - well first thing I hate talking to people I don't know, and that I am guilty of prosody (using more words than necessary) and often speak in metaphors even. I am a perfectist, quite obsessed with symmetry, and tiniest details. Either it's perfect or I can't go on. I always hated homework and coursework. Second year of college was so bad I started to bunk off a lot, even if I was only running late - I just couldn't dare to show my face. I think I ended up with overall attendance below 50%. Did A-Levels, English Lit&Lang, Biology and Creative Writing - I always was good both in science and humanities subjects, so such combo was spot-on for me. But thanks to stress, hatred of the place and falling behind with work and coursework, I ended up with BCC even though I am an A student. I don't care what people tell me - my final result is utterly shambles and I should be embarrassed because these poor grades don't define my ability. But the school system just wasn't right for someone like me.
Now what?
I got to live on my own, got Friends (we are all strongly involved in the bus scene, perfect hobby for aspies, eh), but still feel very lonely. To be fair having a second half would probably solve most of my sorrows, except with the Love of my Life being out or reach, this will never be possible…
Either way, currently I really really want to be diagnosed, and called a bunch of places. Been told I'm on some waiting list - Lord, again?!? I don't have time to wait 2 years or something!!! At the GP they told me they can't do much and that it's the mental health services that will deal with this. At the second visit my normal Doc made some phonecalls, then those people promised to call me back, but never did of course. I later rung them on my own accord, and one place said they can't do anything, other were the ones to talk about the waiting list which I can somewhat recall I've been placed on sometimes in Feb-Mar 2016. Really? And I don't even know how much more they want me to wait!! Plus I don't even think this was for an autism specialist, but someone else. It's going to take centuries this way! This is just unacceptable man! They pretty much flipped the bird at me, that's all. Anyone know any way to get referred sooner? Please, it would matter a lot to me