New and looking for help

Hi, I'm the mother of a 9-year-old girl who was finally (after a 3-year battle) diagnosed as high-functioning autistic back in May. The school SENCO was supposed to be sending off the paperwork for the EHC plan back in May but didn't; the new SENCO was supposed to be sending it off last week - let's wait and see if he's any more pro-active than the last SENCO was.

My daughter has a number of behavioural issues that (I believe) stem from a combination of sensory overload and anxiety. I liken it to a jug that fills with water; each additional bit of stress is another top up of water until finally the jug overflows and we reach meltdown - and it seems issues with school mean that at the moment the jug starts out half-full every day. :-/ The start of this new school year (year 5) has been particularly hard for her - three girls (previously good friends with her) suddenly started ostracising her from the start of term, then her pet hamster was killed by her cat, the start of term always has her anxiety levels peaking anyway and so the end of the first week back resulted in a massive meltdown and I was called in at the end of the school day to talk to the headmistress who said she'd raised the possibility of exclusion to my daughter (without ever discussing it with me first, I might add). She asked if I'd considered homeschooling (which isn't really an option, as I have chronic health issues).

Things have gone from bad to worse; we now have a real fight to get her out of bed, much less to school, in the morning - to the point that my husband and I dread Monday mornings. He can't handle her at all; it takes me about 20 minutes of coaxing (with the help of a toy pteradactyl) to get her up and come downstairs for breakfast. The closer we get to going to school, the more she protests that she doesn't want to go, she's sad about the hamster or (the latest mishap) one of my pet rats dying of old age, and then just as we're about to go out the door she protests of a stomach ache. By the time we get to school there's crying, protesting that she doesn't want to do maths and literacy, and this morning the TA had to almost pick her up and carry her in. I'm anticipating getting called in for another chat with the headmistress at the end of the school day.

Her father and I are exhausted; he has no idea how to handle her, and I'm the one left trying to manage the meltdowns through deflection and distraction, and it makes me feel very isolated and as if I'm alone in coping with this. My daughter is a very unhappy little girl and I'm not sure how best to help her; letting her stay off school obviously isn't the answer.