Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi.
Let's start with the fact that I am not formally diagnosed and at this stage have no intention to be.
If that is an issue to people in this community, please say so.
On to my reason for being here...
I have wondered for a long time if I may be on the spectrum. However, I've honestly seen all labels as negative and so I never really acted on what I wondered. I recently labelled myself (with certainty) in another aspect of my life, and I've discovered what a benefit a supportive community of people with something in common can be. So I've been led to revisit this potential part of me. I know that it isn't possible for me to say that I am on the spectrum without formal diagnosis, so I'm not looking to claim this as a part of me, but I thought it might help me to join a community where people share some of my experiences, even if I don't have autism.
If that's ok?
My main reasons for thinking that I might, and I hope not to offend with these assumptions:
- I need routine. Anything that breaks my routine upsets me.
- I need my own space. A room for my belongings, cupboards and freezer drawers in the kitchen that are specifically mine. I can't share storage space with my husband without feeling stressed and uncomfortable.
- I need to plan. Spontaneous decisions cause me extreme stress. I need to prepare in detail fo everything, including attempting to plan social interaction to the word (not that life works out like that!). Phone conversations are particularly difficult, as are meetings, as they often put me on the spot too much.
- I have always found social situations extremely difficult. I didn't socialise at school and was known for being silent (and as a result was bullied). As well as needing to 'plan' social situations in my head, I find that when I'm communicating I repeat myself frequently and also jump in at inappropriate times and cut people off. I do recognise that I'm doing this as I notice the facial expressions of those that I'm talking to, so I'm not completely unaware, but I can't control this and I do often only become properly aware after the fact, when I replay the conversation in my head. Also, related to this, I tend to talk about myself too much and forget to ask questions of others/let them talk about themselves, even though I genuinely do care!
- A lot of saying the wrong thing and not understanding why it's the wrong thing, or realising after the fact.
Final info about me:
Married mum of one. Late 20s. Businessperson. Lover of photography.
EDITS:
Something else that may or may not be linked is that I have a very 'bouncy' walk. I didn't realise that this might be something to do with it, but I've now been browsing the forums a bit and this has come up a couple of times. I've always been embarrassed by my walking gait and people sometimes comment on it, but I didn't even think of this as linked.
Ditto, if it's linked, the feeling of being overwhelmed by tasks. I strive for perfection with things like cleaning, but I get overwhelmed trying to work out how to get there and I don't see a middleground, so I end up being unable to do anything. Again, something I've found on a thread or two.
Also how I can't deal with eye contact very well. Particularly in intense conversations where I need to look elsewhere - usually at a screen or, at my worst, hiding under a blanket.
Another addition...how I am unable to socialise for more than an hour or two without becoming uncomfortable. If I visit a friend's house, I tend to start to feel a twitchy need to leave after a couple of hours even if I'm technically 'having a good time'.
You're welcome.
The inheritance of autism is a hard one to get one's mind around sometimes. My situation is the mirror image of yours, in that since revealing my diagnosis to family, I am learning that many of my traits seem to have been present across a few generations. My Mum, in particular, has been very open with me, and we're astonished to find how much we have in common, but never knew before because of our 'normal camouflage'. My Dad, I'm less sure, I didn't get on with him too well - but I'm beginning to wonder if he had a slightly different sub-set of autistic traits. I see more of him in me as I age, especially his stubborness!
My understanding of the recent science is that autism occurs due to mant different combinations of multiple genes - it's not an on/off single gene thing; e.g. Downs syndrome. Those genes are all around us, coding for a little bit of trait here, a bit of another there. The huge number of combinations gives rise to the huge variety in human personality.
So, within a family, there could be a genetic disposition to enjoying categorising things, or introversion, or a wandering attention. Once in a while, there's a person born who gets a combination of genes from their ancestors that gives them the particular mix of qualities that we call autism. And the diversity of autistic people is vast too!
So just like any child, your daughter could inherit any mix of you, your partner's, or your ancestor's traits - and that includes, of course, the traits that have allowed you to be a successful business person, wife and mother.
My Mum grew up with a younger brother - he was easily my favourite uncle. Which is rather odd, because he was a reclusive guy like me - and not prone to saying very much on the rare occasions that I saw him. All through my life, when my Mum was in a rush, she'd call me by his name - and we are incredibly similar both physically and in personality. I'm starting to realise, I think, that my autistic traits didn't seem too out of place for my Mum when I was a child. She always understood my need for "me" time to keep me from burning out, and reassured me that my special interests were OK as long as they weren't interfering with my school work.
If your daughter does take after you, she couldn't have a better ally than a Mum who really does "get it" at those times when the rest of the world seems not to.
It's strange to think of all those people in the past who must have lived lives with autism without anyone knowing what it was, or having anyone to share it with.