Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi.
Let's start with the fact that I am not formally diagnosed and at this stage have no intention to be.
If that is an issue to people in this community, please say so.
On to my reason for being here...
I have wondered for a long time if I may be on the spectrum. However, I've honestly seen all labels as negative and so I never really acted on what I wondered. I recently labelled myself (with certainty) in another aspect of my life, and I've discovered what a benefit a supportive community of people with something in common can be. So I've been led to revisit this potential part of me. I know that it isn't possible for me to say that I am on the spectrum without formal diagnosis, so I'm not looking to claim this as a part of me, but I thought it might help me to join a community where people share some of my experiences, even if I don't have autism.
If that's ok?
My main reasons for thinking that I might, and I hope not to offend with these assumptions:
- I need routine. Anything that breaks my routine upsets me.
- I need my own space. A room for my belongings, cupboards and freezer drawers in the kitchen that are specifically mine. I can't share storage space with my husband without feeling stressed and uncomfortable.
- I need to plan. Spontaneous decisions cause me extreme stress. I need to prepare in detail fo everything, including attempting to plan social interaction to the word (not that life works out like that!). Phone conversations are particularly difficult, as are meetings, as they often put me on the spot too much.
- I have always found social situations extremely difficult. I didn't socialise at school and was known for being silent (and as a result was bullied). As well as needing to 'plan' social situations in my head, I find that when I'm communicating I repeat myself frequently and also jump in at inappropriate times and cut people off. I do recognise that I'm doing this as I notice the facial expressions of those that I'm talking to, so I'm not completely unaware, but I can't control this and I do often only become properly aware after the fact, when I replay the conversation in my head. Also, related to this, I tend to talk about myself too much and forget to ask questions of others/let them talk about themselves, even though I genuinely do care!
- A lot of saying the wrong thing and not understanding why it's the wrong thing, or realising after the fact.
Final info about me:
Married mum of one. Late 20s. Businessperson. Lover of photography.
EDITS:
Something else that may or may not be linked is that I have a very 'bouncy' walk. I didn't realise that this might be something to do with it, but I've now been browsing the forums a bit and this has come up a couple of times. I've always been embarrassed by my walking gait and people sometimes comment on it, but I didn't even think of this as linked.
Ditto, if it's linked, the feeling of being overwhelmed by tasks. I strive for perfection with things like cleaning, but I get overwhelmed trying to work out how to get there and I don't see a middleground, so I end up being unable to do anything. Again, something I've found on a thread or two.
Also how I can't deal with eye contact very well. Particularly in intense conversations where I need to look elsewhere - usually at a screen or, at my worst, hiding under a blanket.
Another addition...how I am unable to socialise for more than an hour or two without becoming uncomfortable. If I visit a friend's house, I tend to start to feel a twitchy need to leave after a couple of hours even if I'm technically 'having a good time'.
Ah - another one who dislikes telephones! I'm astounded by how common that seems to be among people on the spectrum.
If you are secure in your career, and can manage your autistic traits well, then I think you're right - having a formal diagnosis could be a lot to go through for very little reward. Even though I am diagnosed, I very rarely disclose autism per se to anyone except closest friends and family. It was only other, more pressing, difficulties that made getting formal confirmation appropriate for me.
Most problems that autism can cause relate only to a small sub-set of the traits at any one time, so I reveal only as much as is needed by stuation in hand, on a need-to-know basis. Unfortunately, many people have a limited awareness of what autism is. Even if they have the kindest of hearts, you don't know what misconceptions about autism they will have if you mention in directly. They can easily make lots of assumptions about you, and you won't know which ones. Pulling out my evaluation report would be a desperate last resort, that's for sure!