Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I am newly diagnosed with mild ASD at 43. I'm especially sad at being childless - and this is a difficult time for me trying to understand what went wrong and how I can try and build a meaningful life for myself. Sometimes I wonder if it still can be fixed and I might still meet the ideal partner and still be a parent. But on the other hand, I've never had a relationship, so it is kind of unlikely. I'm not sure it would work anyway. I am curious if there are other people here who are childless by circumstance and suffer and feel sad about it.
I'm still coming to grips with the diagnosis because on the one hand it does explain a lot about how difficult school, social stuff and jobs were. On the other hand I don't completely recognize myself in the ASD "stereotype" as I believe myself to be overly empathetic, absorbing other people's emotions wherever I go. I am also more an extrovert and come across warm and outgoing (so people say). I tend to be the person all people come to with their problems. I am also not good at meticulous work (definitely not a computer geek, have adhd (original diagnosis) and find planning and organizing challenging). I had a burn-out at work, now I understand more that it was too taxing for me.
I don't fully believe it is only the ASD though, which causes my energy problems and chronic issues with tendon, muscle and joint pains (they say it is all due to the stress of overcompensating with ASD) but I sometimes wonder if it is also due to something physical (I tested positive for lyme disease).
Interested to meet others with similar experiences.
Hi Procrastinator (me too - I can procrastinate at Olympic medal level!)
The comment about feeling 20 years behind schedule really twanged something for me. I was diagnosed a few weeks ago at 45 (about a year after it was first seriously suggested). Throughout adult life I would joke that I was "30 going on 13", "40 going on 14"... Now that I've completed the assessment, it does somehow feel like a part of "growing up" never happened for me.
Those moments of jigsaw pieces falling into place since diagnosis have been wonderful, but at the same time it can throw into stark contrast any differences between us and our peers that we're anxious about. It's hard sometimes not to dwell on the things that the folks around us seem to achieve so much more easily, even now we know that there was always a good reason for the difference.
You may be surprised how much of your tiredness etc. are cause by ASD. I've had two total burn-outs in the past that each led to me having give up work. Being autistic in a world where most people aren't really is very tiring - we're having to do stuff the long way around all the time, whereas most other people have instincts that give them a shortcut through so many social situations. It's a bit like being in a foreign country where you are the only bi-lingual person - so the effort of 'translation' always falls on your shoulders.
To reach our 40's without a diagnosis, we will probably have suppressed many of our autistic traits, and that can become a source of stress and anxiety so pervasive that we don't even realise it's happening (not knowing we're autistic forces us to treat this extra burden as "normal"). In turn, that can manifest as physical problems, especially as we get older. I realised for the first time during evaluation that my muscles are very often much more tensed than they need to be - but years of 'practice' had trained me to not notice myself doing it, nor to notice the discomfort that it caused for hours at a time.
Having said all that, sometimes the reverse can be true. It is common for autistic people to have a different kind of awareness of their own body - which can sometimes mask physical symptoms that others might routinely report to their doctor. There's no harm in getting a check-up just for peace of minf, especially if you've tested positively for Lyme disease already.
The whole "geek" thing is is just one of many, many stereotypes and misconceptions about Asperger's and autism. The spectrum is way, way more diverse than most people realise. Even if you are a computer programming nerd like me, people will just find something else to get wrong (why do they they always assume I must also like super-hero movies and online gaming? - yuk!).