Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi. This is the first time I have ever been on anything like this but I feel someone may understand.
My son was diagnosed with asperger's a few years ago and he struggles with a lot of anxiety. He needed a lot of emotional support when younger but it always fell to me to do most of the childcare and household management.
My husband is a lovely kind-hearted man but I think he has aspergers too and it explains a lot of our struggles. So here goes:
· He struggles with stress and can't hold a job down
· He has sensory issues and hates being touched, but willcuddle like a child. He has NEVER kissed me but can't say why.
·Everything has to be on his terms including any physical intimacy.
·He frequently argues with me and the children - he is always right!! He says hurtful things to them.
·He cannot help with any decisions and is unable to engage with my son's problems. And yet cries easily at things on tv.
·He is addicted to going to the gym/exercise. Our whole lives are based around his need to exercise daily. I know it's his coping mechanism but makes all family activities tricky.
·Cannot time keep so I have to make sure there is some sort of routine in the house.
·He struggles with inertia unless HE wants something doing.
·He feels I constantly criticise him even if I just ask him to make a cup of tea - totally defensive
·Lies constantly to avoid confrontation
· He has had 2 emotional affairs and now addicted to online game, sending EXTREMELY flirty messages to other women
·He looks at porn but will not talk about intimate things with me.
The last two are what I struggle the most with. I know he finds it easier to talk to these other women as he finds it too hard to talk to me. It makes me feel like a monster but other people say I am very empathetic and calm.
I am exhausted by trying to keep it together for years,and I want to separate. I have had counselling and although I feel very guilty, I can t carry on like this. I love him but these issues have left me with no self esteem, depression and exhaustion.
I have tried asking him for joint counselling but he is too apathetic. He won't entertain the idea of splitting, yet can't understand why his behaviour has upset me. He won't accept our son's diagnosis let alone seek one himself.
I feel really mean, but I don't know how to get him to move out or how to proceed. I could go but my son would not cope with a move.
Sorry to go on, and I want to repeat how nice my husband is, but I just don't think he copes with a wife/family - he needs a mum!!
Thanks and any help appreciated
Hi, i read your letter and just wanted to reply to it. I can see you are stuck against a rock and a hard place.
Nobody wants to think their partner looks at porn and flirts with other women. That must hurt so bad. My ex partner did those things quite openly which used to eat me up inside and i used to try to act grown up and mature about it which is how he used to put it. But quite honestly it made me feel worthless. And he had no excuse. I did indeed leave in the end wih 4 children in tow and not a penny in my purse. It was so horribly hard but just that alone i couldn't live with or his controlling abusive ways.
My ex never saw the wrong in himself but slandered me veyond words for my actions which were a direct result to tge way he treated me.
But leaving was the best thing I ever did. I have a child with Autism and i think he was relieved we went in the end as he no longer had to get told off for things that no one else saw as wrong.
Could you maybe go on a bit of respite without him knowing pehaps have a week at grandma's house see how he cooes and how your child copes then if your child copes ok think about leaving? Your child WILL adjust even if it takes time.
Its ashame your husband can't see his wrong doing and seek help but like its been said he mist likely just doesnt see it.
I hope you don't mind my reply. I am not much help but i could relate to your hurt.
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