New here

Hi

My names jon. I'm 30 and I'm seeking answers to my never ending questions. You probably won't be able to answer them for me, but at least I hope this place might give me guidance. I am thinking I might have aspergers. In fact I'm very close to self-diagnosing myself tbh. But since I have difficulties making concrete decisions, I'm reluctant to. I have been wrong before (on pretty much everything) and I'll probably be wrong again knowing my luck.

The reasons I think I have aspergers are as follows;

I struggle with eye contact. Its not something I've always been aware of until someone mentioned it a while ago. And now I'm constantly conscious of this.

I'm not very socially intelligent. I think that's the best word to describe it. I stumble with words, get them mixed up when I'm very anxious. I don't often understand what people are actually saying - in both ways as in I sometimes cant hear their words properly (there's nothing wrong with my hearing) or I just can't simply make sense of the words themselves, even though they'll be of very simple basic English. More often than not I'm accused of not listening or paying attention, but fact is that I'm still trying to process the first few words of their sentence.

I don't do small talk. I don't understand it. People attempt small talk with me and get nothing back because I'm struggling with a response. 

I don't know if this is in any way an autistic trait but I struggle heavily with attention and memory. I wish I could change this for the better, I really do. This combined with procrastination (of which I also can't seem to help) causes major issues with bills and important documents that need sending off and deadlines. This causes me massive financial issues.

I'm sensitive to smells (mainly other people's natural bodily smells like their breath) and this often puts me off food if I'm eating any and also intimacy.

I'm very visual. When I'm processing what people are saying their every word is a picture in my head. I think this is what slows me down when trying to pay attention, but this fact only I would never change for the world! I love my imagination. I also think this is why I struggle to say what I want or how I feel because my thoughts and feelings are all in imigary, and I struggle with processing these images into actual words.

I suffer from anxieties, especially from the insecurities of my relationship. Any tiny little thing sets me off. Does he love me? Where's he gone? Why did he say that? What does it mean? And I get sweaty palms and short breath and I hyper focus on trying to find answers on the internet and then I don't find anything to console me and I just explode in a mountain of emotions and I lash out, I scream or shout, I punch the wall, slam doors and can't seem to calm down. I hate these 'outburts'. They don't happen often (about 3-4 times a year) but I would still love to live without these. They're stressful, distressing and horrible to experience.

There are many more issues I face. I doubt i can list them all, id be here all day. I know I can be a total tool and I feel like people laugh at me when I don't really know why. I can't remember a time when I haven't felt all these but most of these points above have never been an issue until I moved out from my parents and I just feel like I've gotten progressively worse because of the weight of responsibility and adulthood. I feel like its broken my spirit in a way because of the amount of stress I face on a day to day basis.

I'm looking for help with this. I want to turn my life around and get back on track. I want to earn qualifications and get myself a decent job. I want to sort my finances out and be free of debt. Most of all, I want to be able to communicate properly with my partner and understand his body language so we can improve our relationship.

I hope this post hasn't been too long. And I apologize in advance if I only ever appear to reply to my own threads. I find it very difficult to engage in other people. I try, but I really dont want to come across as self-centered. If that's what I am, its not something i want to be.