Published on 12, July, 2020
I became mentally ill last year and lost my job. My psychiatrist diagnosed Asperger's spectrum disorder with co-morbid OCD. A more recent diagnosis from an autism specialist suggests that I am high-functioning, mildly Aspergic with bipolar disorder type 2.
I have always known that I was a bit different. I have had huge difficulty forming intimate relationships (and have become very ill and depressed when attempts to form them went wrong) and have very few friends of my own but it never occured to me that there might be anything diagnosable.
I am very fortunate however in having a very supportive wife and two wonderful children, although given the inheritable nature of autism and bipolar disorder I have some concerns for them. They are showing no obvious outward signs, but then neither did I at their age.
I was able to function sufficiently well over the years to do well at school and hold down reasonably well-paid jobs but I have now lost the confidence to re-enter the workplace. This may not be too bad as I can just about afford to retire. It may even be a blessing in disguise as I can now focus of doing what I enjoy rather than what I need to do to earn a living.
Hi Pheon, and welcome
Please can I start by assuring you that only AS people understand AS. There are still relatively few professionals who truly 'get it', and you'll find us quite disparaging about the rest of them, they're meddling tinkerers with no idea of the harm they cause with their grand pronouncements.
This sort of thing makes us very angry. Any professional who uses the term Asperger's is behind the times in so many ways...
Most of us take exception to everything you've been told. As a description, Asperger's is bunk, we reject 'high functioning', and 'bipolar' is a common misdiagnosis. There is no such thing as 'mild' ASD, and no such description as Aspergic. OCD is a poor way to describe the fact that we like things to be the same, every time. It's part of the condition, you could get talked into thinking there's something wrong with you, the way some of them go on!
Remember, we AS people will believe what people tell us. You come on here to find out if it's true, but mostly it isn't, trust me. As you know yourself, truth and honesty aren't just something we aim for, they're part of the condition! That's why it all goes wrong if you try to tell fibs, even to yourself *chuckle, been there*.
Your 'psychiatrist's' words clearly say to me, 'I don't know what I'm talking about, so I'll use lots of language instead, even though I got it out of an outdated book'.
Everything you report from the 'psychiatrist' tells me that they are neither up to date nor particularly qualified to pronounce on the subject, but wanted to show how clever they are with words. You need to cut through the crap here.
You know in yourself that you have always been different, every AS person says the same. You say that your depressions have been as a result of not being able to sustain relationships, every AS person has the same thing. Depression is most firmly not Bipolar, it's the result of not being able to work out why it always goes wrong, and the ensuing obsession of trying to think through the whys and wherefores...
I was 'diagnosed' as Bipolar by a thoroughly ignorant sorry highly knowledgable 'psychiatrist' many years ago. That person put my true diagnosis back by 30 years, because after his 'professional' diagnosis, and despite the fact that I always rejected it (i.e 'refused to co-operate with my treatment') no-one wanted to challenge it. Cue my latest GP who sat there and astonished me when she said 'I agree with you', refered me for a new assessment, and now I know the truth. It has been revelatory for me, not always in a good way, but at least and at last I finally know who I am. Bipolar? PAH!
You may change now you're on here and talking with your own kind at last, you are no longer alone with what goes on inside you (yes, we DO know) and as you spend time with us learning about yourself, you'll change. There's no point going into that now, it has to take its' time to become clear for you, and it will. Your truth is your truth.
You are still the person you've always been, and your family love you for the person you've always been. You should not concern yourself about your family. ASD isn't a contagious disease. There might, as you learn together about the condition, have some family 'lightbulb' moments, and that's great - you'll probably share some laughs about it! You all sound like nice people, so I congratulate you on your success there.
I totally agree with your last paragraph, and wish you all the best. For the rest, we're here with you all the way - get your family to talk to us too - there are plenty of people with an AS person in the family who are here too, so you'll all learn a lot!
In all probability, you are Type 1 ASD. The rest of it is overlayers that happen to undiagnosed AS people. I doubt if you suddenly 'became' mentaly ill, I doubt if you're mentaly ill at all, but if your experience is like mine (diagnosed at 59) your world just seemed to go into a major collapse ( i.e 3,2 - an expression meaning breasts uppermost) leaving you in all sorts of states. Might be summat to do with age and no longer being able to tolerate repetetive events, no-one knows so we're discussing that amongst us.
Don't worry about it, your new you starts here. It ain't plain sailing, but we'll try to help you understand yourself, and you're amongst friends. Promise.
Welcome, the Pheon family