Hi

I am a 34yo male and have been concerned for a few years that I may have autism, but have been avoiding the subject until now.

I decided to put the following together to summarise some of my concerns (Edited slightly from the original):

Self Esteem:

I have very low self-esteem. Even when my opinion is based on facts that I have 100% belief in, I still have no confidence in my own opinion.

I always felt I had some kind of aura about me that would disrupt the organization of anything I was involved in. I think this may be because nobody can tell if I am certain about doing anything. I may be 100% convinced in my own head about something but to anyone else, the signals I give off are probably woolly at best because I am too scared to show desire for anything.

I often feel that I am intruding when wanting to start a conversation. This usually leaves me unable to even approach, let alone start said conversation, so I end up hanging around a bit like a lemon, then wandering off knowing that, if I didn’t before, I certainly look like a weirdo now.

I want to be involved in social occasions but don’t know how to deal with them. I go to the local pub for jam nights, but I’m often so anxious about speaking to the house band that I forget all the songs I know. I know the regulars but I go with my parents because I’m too worried about intruding in the ‘proper musicians’ social circle.

When someone treats me badly, I assume I deserve to be treated badly. I get depressed about it and feel I deserve that too. I haven’t sought help before for that reason.

Talking to myself:

I catch me swearing at myself with alarming regularity. This usually happens when I am alone but has happened in company. This usually happens as an outburst, almost akin to Tourettes and is always directed at myself usually after working myself into a state over something stupid I have done in the past.

Eye Contact:

In Britain, eye contact is pretty much a no-no when out in public, and this is fine. I walk around staring at my phone. Ok, nothing new there then! The problem is in close quarters, people expect eye contact when you’re talking to them one-to-one at work for example, instead of staring out of the window, but I can’t manage it. If there’s no windows around or items of interest, I will tend to watch the speaker’s mouth, which leads me to…

Associated:

When speaking to ladies, I live in constant fear the downward movement of my gaze is toward her breasts. This usually leads to me frantically moving my gaze in several directions, and probably making things worse, before settling somewhere over one of her shoulders.

Emotional Responses:

I am quite proficient at confusion and embarrassment but other emotions I feel are more a learned response than an instinctive reaction. I have trouble determining what emotion I am supposed to be feeling and how I am supposed to display that in different situations and get extremely anxious when I know I have got it wrong.

Phone Calls:

It used to be a bit of a joke amongst my friends that I would call people but wouldn’t speak until after they did. They would deliberately wait for me to talk before saying anything. This made for a really uncomfortable gap while I attempted to formulate a start to a conversation. It seems a bit of a bad move that I used to work on a call centre, but I never felt brave enough to determine my own path and just wanted to do whatever job was put my way (I am now working in my element, coding for a living).

Processing incoming information:

My mind occasionally goes blank as if I’ve gone into autopilot while my brain disconnects. At the lower end of the scale it is as if I have forgotten English. I hear all the words, but I don’t manage to translate it into anything meaningful, or when reading a book I realise I have reached the end of a paragraph without taking any of it in. It then takes several attempts at re-reading and analysing each word individually to get my mind back on track.

I am aware that outwardly I show no sign of this when being given instructions for example, as the autopilot seems to have mastered ‘nod and agree’. I then have the awkward decision to make whether I ask the speaker to repeat what they have just said as if I wasn’t listening or attempt to repeat what they just said in my head until it starts making sense again. This can work as long as they don’t carry with new instructions while I work out the last bit.

On a similar thread, sometimes I can take in all the instructions and have a clear idea what it is I need to do, but if one tiny insignificant thing falls out of place that clarity instantly disintegrates into chaos.

Explanations:

I can’t explain anything in the way I mean to. I often lose the words I am trying to say or even the meaning and entire context of what I am saying mid-sentence. I usually know what I mean but can’t find a way to express it when I do.

Everything you have read here is the best I can manage to describe what goes on in my head. There is more, I just don’t know how to explain it.

I have got an appointment with my GP next week hoping to get a referral to speak to someone who specialises in autism, in the hope of getting a diagnosis…

I'm hoping to find out if my experiences correlate with autism/aspergers or whether I'm just paranoid