parent of a 21 year old with Asperges and ADHD

Thanks Longman and Recombinantsocks , really interesting points. I also felt that ToM might offer some areas of consideration but was quickly dissuaded due to his levels of empathy. His caring and consideration is one of his lovely qualities but on the surface could be at odds with his condition. However, it is only when he wants to and generally when there is someone other than his parents around. He has over the last 3 - 4 years started letting other close (to him) family members see flashes of his temper, self centredness and laziness but to the majority is he a charming, confidant, chatty and knowlegable lad, my sister-in-law (until he stole the DVD's) says he is like a well behaved child. Once diagnosed I did a lot of reading and asking questions about Aspergers and we did try to moderate our more laid back stance on life and offer H some firmer guidelaines and bounderies, (teeth cleaning, bathing etc.) this was absolutely disasterous. A further chat (cry for help) with Aspergus EA was where PDA was mentioned. If you have read that then you will, mostly, have a handle on my son after all the reading I have done over the years I can't believe that there actualy is a definition that fits him. Not that it helps, I tried turning all requests into a format that would make it to his benefit but for daily routines like general hygiene he wasn't having any of it. He does not clean his teeth, he has really bad gum disease now, his teeth often bleed when he talks, amazingly he doesn't have toothache, subsequently he has really bad breath. He does not bath or shower without one of us stadning guard outside the bathroom door, and even then the bath and floor might be wet but he hasn't been near the water. I think I probably find this one of the hardest aspects, he looks and smells a mess, people have to look away when he speaks of move apart from him and it doesn't seem to bother him. We make a point of complimenting him when his hair is washed, he has cleaned his teeth or he smells nice. This is normally when he has a gig and I rock his hair up (very 80's) and he dresses up.

Sorry this is not answering your questions. He is on benefit, not job seekers but a work related one, and gets £200 a fortnight. We take 25%, supposedly as food and accomodation but which we hold in a seperate account and has paid for his driving lessons, car and insurance so far. The rest is his, so the roaming charges came out of his bank account and as that left him with no money he told us that he had not been paid his benefit. He stayed with this story to the point of phoning the benefits office twice until we spoke to them (with him beside us) and they said he had been paid and to contact his bank. He then said he might as well tell the truth and told us about the romaining charge, which was our fault as we have restricted Wi-Fi access in the house until evenings.

Computer games, I wish, they would at least be interactive and make his brain work. H's current telly addiction is Top gear, the same one over and over and over, and the reason for his roaming charge. Previously it has been Red Dwarf and Mrs Brown's boys. He has a PS3, Wii and another games console that I can't remember the name of, which we have encouraged the use of but apart from Wrestling games and the occasional game of darts he isn't interested, he will watch the car ones ie Need for Speed, and when on line with the PS3 he would watch others games play but not play himself. He has mates, school, college and Princes Trust but makes no effort to contact them or meet up. My husband and I are both active, he is a musician, I cycle long distance and we both Bell Ring and we have encouraged H to have hobbies and to excersise but he gets the kit and gives up, apart from playing Bass he does like that, he is interested if in the right band but Top Gear takes presidence over practise. Oh the stolen DVD's was really tricky, I didn't know how to handle it or if I did right but I made him take them back and apologise to both his cousins and his Aunt, we restricted access to screens of all sorts made him purchase a new DVD for them and had a lengthy talk. I asked him what he would have done if his (another) cousin had done this to him, setting the scene exactly as he had done, and his reply was that his cousin would not do that as he loves him!

Finacially we are in an okay place, we can afford to pay for help if the right kind of help was available but it is his future that terrifies me as I said we adopted so I am an older parent, 57 and while I am very fit and healthy I am assuming he will outlive me by a lot of years and call me selfish but I would like to have time with my husband in my retirement without the constant worry of what he is doing. I believe he should have an independant life at some point but how do I move him along that way?

Sorry I know this is all very long and tedious but I appreciate the listening and ideas.

Thanks Longman and Recombinantsocks , really interesting points. I also felt that ToM might offer some areas of consideration but was quickly dissuaded due to his levels of empathy. His caring and consideration is one of his lovely qualities but on the surface could be at odds with his condition. However, it is only when he wants to and generally when there is someone other than his parents around. He has over the last 3 - 4 years started letting other close (to him) family members see flashes of his temper, self centredness and laziness but to the majority is he a charming, confidant, chatty and knowlegable lad, my sister-in-law (until he stole the DVD's) says he is like a well behaved child. Once diagnosed I did a lot of reading and asking questions about Aspergers and we did try to moderate our more laid back stance on life and offer H some firmer guidelaines and bounderies, (teeth cleaning, bathing etc.) this was absolutely disasterous. A further chat (cry for help) with Aspergus EA was where PDA was mentioned. If you have read that then you will, mostly, have a handle on my son after all the reading I have done over the years I can't believe that there actualy is a definition that fits him. Not that it helps, I tried turning all requests into a format that would make it to his benefit but for daily routines like general hygiene he wasn't having any of it. He does not clean his teeth, he has really bad gum disease now, his teeth often bleed when he talks, amazingly he doesn't have toothache, subsequently he has really bad breath. He does not bath or shower without one of us stadning guard outside the bathroom door, and even then the bath and floor might be wet but he hasn't been near the water. I think I probably find this one of the hardest aspects, he looks and smells a mess, people have to look away when he speaks of move apart from him and it doesn't seem to bother him. We make a point of complimenting him when his hair is washed, he has cleaned his teeth or he smells nice. This is normally when he has a gig and I rock his hair up (very 80's) and he dresses up.

Sorry this is not answering your questions. He is on benefit, not job seekers but a work related one, and gets £200 a fortnight. We take 25%, supposedly as food and accomodation but which we hold in a seperate account and has paid for his driving lessons, car and insurance so far. The rest is his, so the roaming charges came out of his bank account and as that left him with no money he told us that he had not been paid his benefit. He stayed with this story to the point of phoning the benefits office twice until we spoke to them (with him beside us) and they said he had been paid and to contact his bank. He then said he might as well tell the truth and told us about the romaining charge, which was our fault as we have restricted Wi-Fi access in the house until evenings.

Computer games, I wish, they would at least be interactive and make his brain work. H's current telly addiction is Top gear, the same one over and over and over, and the reason for his roaming charge. Previously it has been Red Dwarf and Mrs Brown's boys. He has a PS3, Wii and another games console that I can't remember the name of, which we have encouraged the use of but apart from Wrestling games and the occasional game of darts he isn't interested, he will watch the car ones ie Need for Speed, and when on line with the PS3 he would watch others games play but not play himself. He has mates, school, college and Princes Trust but makes no effort to contact them or meet up. My husband and I are both active, he is a musician, I cycle long distance and we both Bell Ring and we have encouraged H to have hobbies and to excersise but he gets the kit and gives up, apart from playing Bass he does like that, he is interested if in the right band but Top Gear takes presidence over practise. Oh the stolen DVD's was really tricky, I didn't know how to handle it or if I did right but I made him take them back and apologise to both his cousins and his Aunt, we restricted access to screens of all sorts made him purchase a new DVD for them and had a lengthy talk. I asked him what he would have done if his (another) cousin had done this to him, setting the scene exactly as he had done, and his reply was that his cousin would not do that as he loves him!

Finacially we are in an okay place, we can afford to pay for help if the right kind of help was available but it is his future that terrifies me as I said we adopted so I am an older parent, 57 and while I am very fit and healthy I am assuming he will outlive me by a lot of years and call me selfish but I would like to have time with my husband in my retirement without the constant worry of what he is doing. I believe he should have an independant life at some point but how do I move him along that way?

Sorry I know this is all very long and tedious but I appreciate the listening and ideas.